I Know Why Melania Trump Looked So Miserable…

Screen Shot 2017-01-24 at 1.43.03 PMI’m seeing all of these articles about how miserable Melania Trump looked at the inauguration, and how people are concerned for her well being because of it. 

Umm I know why she was miserable (besides the obvious, but I won’t go there right now). Girlfriend was rocking pointy 4-5 inch stiletto suede heels. No platform. No support. Just straight up, painful ass 4-5 inch stilettos. They looked fantastic, but my GAWD. The pain.

She stood in them. She walked all the way down Pennsylvania Ave in them. She hauled herself up the White House steps in them. I mean … sweet mother of ouch. I was cringing just watching it. 

How she kept it together is beyond me. At the end of the night before the inaugural ball, I saw a man in the armed forces escorting her into the White House. Probably because all of her toes were numb and she was sucking back tears of pain.  

If I were her, it would have taken everything in my being not to whip off the shoes, punt them, and strut into the White House barefoot as First Lady for the first time (hence why I would be the world’s worst First Lady. Please, whomever I date, don’t be presidential). 

I don’t care who you are. First Lady. Queen Elizabeth. Shoes like that are not comfortable, nor will they ever be. I don’t care if they have a red sole… at the end of the day it means bupkis. Our feet just shouldn’t be confined and elevated like that. It’s weird when you think about it. 

And I don’t believe designers go, “oh, you’re rich and famous? Let me sprinkle some magical dust pheasants and poor people don’t know about in the shoes so you can hop, skip, and jump in them all the day long.” No. 

For the love of God, I wore 4 inch heels sans a platform to a party two weeks ago and danced my ass off and guess what? My big toe is STILL numb. STILL. That can’t be good, right? So I can only imagine the agony Melania must be feeling. Although, bitch probably has an army of people to massage them whenever she wants. But don’t mind me, I’ll be over here praying to Jesus I regain feeling back in my big toe, and secretly freaking out that it is going to fall off, no big deal. 

So for all of you sooooo very concerned over the well being of our First Lady, shimmah. I’m pretty sure her misery stemmed from poor shoe choices (weeeeeelllll and being mar … no. No, Kate, fight it, fight it).

We’ve all been there. I mean who hasn’t shot their partner a look of death through the agony of their feet being shoved into a tight, uncomfortable point, or who, through grinded teeth, exclaimed, “I’m going to fucking scream if I can’t take these damn shoes off right now.” 

So first lesson for the First Lady, pull a Michelle Obama and rock some flats when you’ve got a long day ahead of you. She had the right idea. True, flats aren’t as sexy as heels, I get it, but give yourself a damn break. Ain’t no shame in your game, girl. 

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Tomorrow Is Going To Suck… So Shoes

Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 12.39.58 PMIf you’re anything like me, tomorrow you will be sticking your fingers in your ears screaming, “LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” as you avoid all TV and Internet coverage of the inauguration. Sigh … this is a sick dream, right?

Anywho … shoes. Over the past few months I think everyone has lost their minds a bit, and for the sake of shoes, I think it is an amazing thing. 

Want lightning bolts all over your booties? Done. Want to look like a sparkle bomb vommed all over your feet? Sold. All of it is kind of genius.

I recently purchased these pink flowery booties with a lucite heel (because … lucite heel … see above). The pattern looks like a print you would find on a couch rotting away in a vintage store, but I couldn’t resist. 

I was fully prepared for them to look heinous in person, but I was pleasantly surprised. And the best part is they give me this sick amount of joy (even though my feet are still a little numb from dancing in them this past weekend … that’s normal, right?)

So, if you’re feeling like the world is probably going to end starting tomorrow and women are on the verge of losing all of their rights and everything is just fucking awful, buy yourself a pair of shoes you normally would just look at and say, “I LOVE those, but where would I wear them?” Because those are the shoes that will make you smile the most, even in the worst of times. 

Need some inspiration? Welp, ma babies … Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is here.

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