Abominable Snowman Chic

So it is finally starting to get cold. Kinda. Sorta. Well, I mean if you think 50 degrees is terribly cold, which I do not. But like I said in an earlier post, I will be wearing my winter coat with pride because global warming will not dictate my fashion choices, only Karl Lagerfeld does that. Word.

Anywho, quite frankly the thought of putting on a mini skirt, tights and some sort of top and having ol’ man winters frigid breath torture me all night makes me want to dive head first back into my sweats, into my bed and underneath my comforter to watch a marathon of the Real Housewives (yes, my guilty pleasure). But, as females, we have the urge to hit the town. You know, let our hair down, throw our ambitions to the wind, bring all the boys to the said “yard” with our drunken dance moves and numerous other cliché things groups of girls do whilst out in the city. We’ll say things to each other like, “we don’t need guys, we just want to DANCE.” and “OMG, you are SO effing skinny,” and as the night comes to a close, my favorite and yours, “WHAAA DIS THA BISCH JUSSS SAY TO ME?!” You get the gist …

So here are just some of the reasons why it is dreadful to be a girl dressed to the nines and out of the town during the coldest months of the year, ahem:

1. The Fear Of Losing Your Coat: When you are trying to get your groove on, or even just mingle by the bar, the last thing you want to be doing is lugging around a huge coat over your arms. But the chances of you throwing it over a chair and having some drunk girl pick it up thinking your black coat is her black coat makes me not want to wear my said coat.

2. Skank Factor: Ah the summer months, times when showing some skin is such an easy thing. You throw on a cute sun dress, some strappy sandals and call it a day. When it is zero degrees out, though, it is a but more tricky. When staying warm takes over, it is then all about finding ways to show some skin without getting hypothermia and, you know … dying. The skin gets covered and the clothes get tighter.

3. Cold Weather Accessories: Just another pain in my ass. When it is brutally cold, gloves and a scarf are absolutely necessary. But when you are carrying a match stick size purse and your coat doesn’t have big enough pockets, what the hell do you do with them? You know what you do with them, you end up not wearing them and getting hypothermia. Don’t get me wrong, I live for a cute pair of gloves and a scarf, but they just aren’t made for a hot night out on the town.

4. The Rare and Allusive Long Sleeved Dress: Tell me something, any time of the year, I could go out to pretty much any store and find a really cut strapless dress, spaghetti strap dress, even a maxi dress. But why in blazing hell can I only find long-sleeved dresses that school marms from the 1800’s would wear. And the other extreme are these Kim Kardashian, sarin wrap dresses that leave NOTHING to the imagination. I don’t need everyone seeing all of my jiggly bits, thanks. Happy medium please, happy … medium. They are the perfect solution to looking sexy in the winter months … work it out, designers.

5. I Swear I’m Not an Abominable Snowman: I hate to admit this, but when I was in college and we would go out in the city, we sometimes wouldn’t wear coats and literally run from the cab to the bar in like a halter top, jeans and heels. If I had a nickel for every time some said, “Put a coat on you crazy bitch!” I would, you know … have some nickels. But regardless, we did it because A. we didn’t want to carry around our coats, B. we didn’t want the coat taking away from the outfit. Wearing out a puffy coat with a fur hood takes away from any look you are trying to create for that night. My solution: Go to a Forever 21 type store, buy a cheap, cheap coat and call it your “going out coat.” So if you lose it, stain it, light it on fire … it won’t mean anything.

The list goes on and on. Apparently we have another two months worth of looking like abdominal snowmen, ladies. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for fashions sake … I kind of can’t wait for warmer weather.