File Under Heinous: Water Shoes

My exercise regimen of choice is yoga. I can warrior 1, 2, 3 and even 4 (bet you didn’t know there was a warrior 4) and downward dog it until the cows come home. I don’t believe in treadmills, lifting weights, and I really only run unless there is a spider in my presence.

But this weekend I will forge the Delaware River at my first attempt at tubing. Now I know I am making it seem like I am going to rip through currents and rapids with sharp rocks jutting to and fro, fighting to stay afloat … but in all honestly I’ll probably be kicking it in a tube, bobbing down the river getting my tan … well in my case … burn on, hopefully with a drink in my hand, if all goes according to plan.

I’m beyond excited … BUT I have one complaint. After doing some research and talking to some people, apparently it is absolutely imperative to wear “water shoes” while tubing. And the most disturbing thing of all … NO FLIP FLOPS ALLOWED. What?! I’m sorry, I thought this was the Delaware River, and I thought it was summer, and I thought I signed a waiver saying that if God forbid I cut my foot open on a sharp something or other that it is MY fault and I won’t sue you? Right?

But against all of my kicking, bitching and wanting to start a revolution to forge the river like a barefoot freak … here is the list of footwear one can wear whilst tubing:

Sneakers: I mean for the love of God, really? Did you not hear me say I only do yoga, so I own like maybe one or two pairs of sneakers. One of them happens to be a pair of hot pink Reebok’s that I’ve had since high school and adore. So no, “tubing officials,” I will not wear a bikini and hot pink sneakers into the murky river. Jesus, I can hear the squishing sound already, ick, I don’t even fancy the word. Maybe that is why so many random shoes end up on the side of the river and random roads … from people going tubing and being so uncomfortable and disgusted that they fling their soggy sneaks to the wind.

Water Shoes: Ugh, where the eff do I begin. God said let their be ugly, and boom, water shoes were created. Just because, Walmart and Target, you make them in really pretty, poppy colors, doesn’t make it okay. You might fool some, but not this girl. These might be the most unflattering things to wear … especially when in a bikini! Could you imagine what innocent strangers might think, like, “oh look at that nice girl floating in the river, her bikini is so cute, I’m so jeal … EW LOOK AT HER WEIRDO SHOES.” I don’t care if they are between $5-$10 … want to know what productive things I COULD do with that money … ahem: Buy a lottery ticket (even though I despise the lottery), buy a fierce piece of jewelry at Forever 21, get like five miles worth of gas in my car, give the $5-$10 to a random stranger on the street … all things I would MUCH rather invest my hard-earned funds in rather than these eye sores.

Crocs: I can’t even. Just no. Stop … don’t … no. Sigh … if you HAVE to, pray a strong current comes and washes them away for a better day. It’s so weird, when I see them on people, I get the strong urge to tackle the person, rip them off their feet, chuck them to freedom and then do a ritual happy dance. They make me sad for shoes in general … in fact my neck hurts from shaking my head so much over these.

FiveFinger Shoes: Disturbing. Shocking, the shoes human beings have worn for decades and decades aren’t good for us … weird, didn’t see that one coming. It’s funny, because my mom, my nana, my great-grandmother, her mother and probably her mother and her mother all wore atrociously uncomfortable heels, sneakers, flip-flops … you name it … and lived to tell the tale. And I suppose these would be fine to rock while tubing, but honestly, tell me something “Mr. Tubing Official,” I can wear a shoe that resembles a foot, yet I STILL cannot just wear flip-flops on my ACTUAL feet, or go barefoot? I get it, there is high-tech fabric protecting my feet from harm … blah blah blah … listen, that five seconds of pain I’ll feel from getting scraped, cut, stung, shot and pinched will be less painful than having to wear these God awful beasts.

I’m aware that I’ve completely jinxed my karmic status with dissing all appropriate footwear for the practice of tubing, and will probably walk away from the river with like a crab pinching my toe or something. I’m clearly not sporty spice, and will probably have to sacrifice my $15 pair of sandals from Forever 21 that cover my entire foot … but I would rather do that then fall down the rabbit hole of ugly.