Cursed With Pointy ‘Bows, Much?

Screen shot 2012-12-02 at 8.46.18 PMYou can file this under #FirstWorldProblems all you want, but as of now it is effecting my wardrobe, which is therefore effecting my bank account, which is therefore effecting my future life plans, which is probably, in some way, shape or form, effecting the future of the United States economy … and so on and so forth.

What is this dreadful problem, you ask? Slowly but surely, every single one of my long-sleeved T-shirts has a hole in the elbow region. :::Sigh::: The reason why this type of hole is so troublesome is because you literally can do nothing but throw the sweater, shirt or cardigan away because the more you bend your arm, the bigger the hole gets. And you know … quite frankly I just don’t like giving up that easily.

Not to mention, it is a “covert op” hole. It’s not like when you put on a pair of stockings and notice a run immediately because it is starring you right in the face. Oh no … and honestly, who checks out their elbows before leaving the house. Makeup? Check. Right shoe? Check. Left shoe? Check. Deodorant? Check. [Awkwardly put your elbows to the side like you are about to get down with the chicken dance] Holes in the elbow region? Nope … all is well! DAY … LET’S DO THIS :::jumps in mid-air:::

I mean for the love of Jesus … I barely have time to take a second look to make sure I don’t have a piece of hair sticking up like Alfalfa let alone do a full body scan to check for holes in clothing. In my world, especially in the morning, if I can’t see it, it therefore doesn’t exist.

But unfortunately, these embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions are noticeable. To my dismay, they don’t wear a cloak of invisibility. In fact, sometimes it feels like the minute I step outside of my house, the universe highlights them in electric pink so every overly observant person can make it their distinct mission in life to make me aware of said malfunction. “Good morni …” “OOOH HONEY … LOOK AT THAT HOLE! YIKES …” Really? Seriously? Thanks for pointing it out and all, first and foremost, but honestly … what would you like me to do? I have legit two options. Number 1. I can acknowledge the hole. Wish it well. Become one with it. Accept it … and move the hell on with my day. OR number 2 … I can take the hole-ridden shirt off and just rock my skivvies all day. Hmmm … decisions, decisions.

These people, the overly observant ones, think they are doing a good deed by making the wardrobe malfunction known … which sometimes, yes … you are. But before making it your job to potentially put a downer on someones day by alerting them of something they have been desperately trying to ignore … ask yourself the following questions:

1. Can said malfunction be fixed? Meaning, can a Tide Stick, dab of club soda, quick stitch … etc. heal the situation? If not … zip thy lip.

2. Are any inappropriate body parts being exposed? Nip slips, ass cracks … sure, these things need to be quietly dealt with ASAP. But if not … for example if a shoulder is overly exposed  … www.zipit.com/org.

3. Is the person you are about to alert look like they are having a bad day? If so, (and I mean this in the most polite way possible) Back. the. fuck. off. Chances are they know of said malfunction, aren’t happy about it, and the last thing they need is you bringing it up.

One day … to prove a point …when someone annoyingly tells me about something I have no control over, like a hole on the elbow part of my shirt, I’m going to kindly say, “Oh my word … thank you SO much … how embarrassing!” rip my shirt off and call it a day. #Winning …