Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - PerformanceI don’t understand my kind, and by “my kind” I mean women. We tend to be very critical of one another, will talk shit the minute we feel intimidated, yet the amount of posts I’ve seen from ladies actually excited about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show tonight has truly stunned me. Like why? What is so exciting about it? Men … I totally get it. Trust. But ladies … whaa?

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good fashion show. It gives me the chills just thinking about them, in fact. But a fashion show of glamazons wearing angel wings in lingerie that is completely unobtainable … with Taylor Swift serenading in the background!? Umm no. Just for funsies I want to walk into a Victoria’s Secret and ask to try on a pair of their wings and watch the sales associates start to drool. Because literally nothing from the show exists in the stores. If you want yoga pants with PINK across the ass? Hell yes, you’re in luck. But these insane costumes that are strutted down the runway tonight will sure as hell not be present.

The worst is the complainers. The ones that watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just to have an excuse to bitch about how fat and ugly they are. Okay … seriously, before you start, STOP. These women go to extreme lengths to look that thin and fierce for this show. EXTREME. That is their job. If you got paid millions of dollars to do that, you would, too. So unless you want to literally go on an oxygen only diet, stop complaining and comparing yourself to models. It just isn’t fair to anyone involved. You are beautiful, too … in your own way, I’m sure of it.

So as much as I would LOVE to see what kind of jewel encrusted bras I should cover my knockers with this season, and what kind of angel wings I should wear in the bedroom, there are some very important things I would much rather do than watch this show tonight. Such as …

1. Sleep … eight plus hours, it’s called beauty sleep, durrh

2. Go through my overflowing bin of black stockings and figure out which ones have holes … you know, because that is so easy

3. Talk to my cat in a British accent … We’ll pour some tea, discuss politics, it will be grand

4. Get on the phone with Comcast and make sure they aren’t robbing me blind, because that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against the wall or anything

5. Take the time to thoroughly shave my legs … ankle to upper calf, ladies, ankle to upper calf

6. Drink an entire bottle of wine and have my OWN runway show … :::puts on four in heels and starts strutting::: “Come on Vogu … aahhhhh :::Falls face down and just lays there:::

7. See how many marshmallows I can stuff in my mouth before I vomit for funsies

8. Work on my rapping skills … “Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is HOV … H to the OV … what … UH”

9. Eat an entire roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as I can

10. Count how many calories I ate today and smile about it … mmm carbs

 

Why I Would Be the Worst Victoria’s Secret Model

Ah the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The only night where any straight man would rather watch a fashion show than do anything else as women sit there all across the country vowing to never eat ever again while calling said “angels” bitchy freaks of nature. And in light of the fashion show being filmed tomorrow, one of my favorite blogs out there, The Cut on NYMag.com, gave some insight into what Adriana Lima’s diet consists of in order to prepare herself for the show.

After reading this article and thinking about past Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows that I have watched (which I do not watch anymore because I don’t support the way they fit their bras with fit models instead of actual sizing), I’ve come to the conclusion that in no way, shape or form could I EVER be a Victoria’s Secret Model, and here is why:

Reason Number 1: 

Adriana Lima: Cuts out almost all fats and carbs from her diet.

Me: I could probably tolerate this for MAYBE a week, and that is being generous. Where is the fun in life without carbs and fats? After a week I would probably turn into Ursula from the Little Mermaid, you know that wretched, fat, ugly, mean-spirited hag who, with her rage, shrinks men to like slimy little creatures and keeps in glass jars. Yep, me off carbs in a nutshell.

Reason Number 2: 

Adriana Lima: Works out two times a day, for three days a week, which consists of jumping rope, boxing and lifting weights with a personal trainer.

Me: Sure, so okay I’ll wake up at 4 a.m., get a two-hour workout in before I go to work. Work from 9-5:30 plus some, go to the gym from 7-9 p.m., then worry about finding something to eat with no carbs or fat, take a shower, write for a couple of hours … that will leave me with like, what … four or five hours of sleep? No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl. No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl. No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl … … …

Reason Number 3: 

Adriana Lima: Drinks a gallon of water A DAY

Me: Okay, I drink a healthy amount of water a day … and let me tell you all I do is run back and forth to the bathroom to pee. So I can only imagine if I were to increase my water intake to a GALLON a day, a good portion of it would consist of me peeing. Home girl must have a bladder made of steel, but I personally cannot rationalize spending this much time peeing throughout the day. It is no way to waste precious moments … life is too short.

Reason Number 4:

Adriana Lima: Only drinks protein shakes nine days before the show … NO SOLIDS.

Me: At this point, I would absolutely have tried to stab someone by now. 1. How is this healthy, 2. How do protein shakes satisfy any cravings … I mean is this chick really a chick? Every girl gets cravings so badly that she breaks down and runs to McDonald’s to get those salty fries or something. I get it, if I were getting paid MILLIONS of dollars to strut down a runway in front of the whole world wearing only floss, I would get down with some protein shakes, but as a regular lady … I would punt that protein shake and go get myself some “solids,” a.k.a. normal human food.

Reason Number 5: 

Adriana Lima: Two days before the show she will stop drinking the gallon of water per day and will “drink normally.”

Me: My first question would be, “does drinking normally mean vodka?”

Reason Number 6: 

Adriana Lima: 12 hours before the show she stops drinking completely, because apparently you can lose eight pounds this way.

Me: The loss of eight pounds is enticing, sure, but what about the thirst issue? She has to get cotton mouth. Honestly, how is that sexy? I wouldn’t want to strut down a runway in a bra and panties with cotton mouth, praying to jesus I’m not foaming at the mouth. I mean is sucking on a peppermint allowed? Or is that too solidified? Christ.

So if you are one of those girls who likes to hang pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on your fridge or snack drawer so you don’t eat, rip them off immediately. Unless you are willing to take on this guerilla warfare-esque diet … know that a silly picture will not make you put down the Cheez-Its.

Obtaining a figure like that is their full-time gig. But even so, if I had all the money in the world and could afford a personal trainer and a cook and someone to force me to have a sick body, I would still have my chef make me a grilled cheese and chase it down with a vodka martini.

***This blog post was written as I snacked on left over Halloween candy. I bet Adriana Lima has cotton mouth right about now … mmm.