Up Don’ts

T-minus six days until the wedding of all weddings that I’m in. Lots to do, lots to finish, and lots to think about. For example, I’m paying two women a ridiculous amount of money to make me look beautiful that day. And it got me thinking about the blind faith we give these stylists to make us look fantastic.

Think about it … that is A LOT of pressure. Say to get your hair done is around $70 and to get your makeup done is around $65 (I could be completely off on that by the way). So I’m handing that girl/guy over that money in blind faith that he/she will make me look absolutely breathtakingly stunning. And if not … well, then what? I’ve probably got my hair done a hand full of times … for proms and dances and such in high school. I’ve got to say, never once have I walked out of the salon and said to myself, “holy hell, I look like Princess Diana and feel like a rock star, let me start vogueing now!” It was more like, “well, maybe if I look at myself in the mirror for a couple more hours and try to fiddle with the style a bit … then I will come to terms with the fact that I have country music Dolly Parton hair.” Like seriously, when a hair stylist says to you, “don’t worry, give the curls a couple hours to fall out” … they most certainly won’t and this should be a red flag to know that you’re screwed.

My biggest fear is prom hair. Like when I say biggest fear I mean if I walk out of the salon with prom hair the day of this wedding I will pull a Teresa Guidice and call this poor stylist a prostitution whore and flip over her station out of sheer rage. It. Is. Awful. Awful. Yet, it is the go-to style. Why? I always try to avoid it by going for classic looks, or only get certain parts of my hair pulled back … but somehow, I always end up with the dreaded prom hair. It reminds me of awkward teenagers in ugly, burn-worthy prom dresses standing next to a guy that is even more awkward in an awful suit as annoying parents dripping in Talbots scream, “smile over here honey … stop slouching for the love of God!” As an adult, this is a horrifying vision to have whilst walking into a salon to get your hair did for a wedding. Seriously … like make it stop.

So back to this blind faith concept. Me … I’ve given up on it. I don’t truth them, I just can’t (I’m sorry if I’m offending any hair stylists, but after several times of being let down, a girl needs to come prepared.) So thank Jesus for a little site called Pinterest (halla at my Wall of Awesome if you haven’t already). So after thinking about my face shape, what I’m wearing and creative ways to guarantee that not a sign of prom hair will be on my head, I pin-pointed (no pun intended) what I wanted my hair style to look like. Not only that, but I have a picture of the front, a picture of what I want the back to look like, and a picture of what I want the waves to look like. Just to be clear, I in no way have OCD, I’m usually insanely and overly laid back and will tell people the gist of what I want and let them work their creative magic … but, well … not up in here on this day, so kids.

I mean there is always going to be a chance that you might not like what they are doing and what they have done. I’ve been there before. One time, back in the day, I asked my colorist to give my hair a tint of red and he ended up dying it like Debra Messing, Will & Grace red. What did I do? I sat there and said, “oh my God I love it!” and went home and cried my eyes out and kept the color for months and months. In fact, I’m notorious for doing this because I don’t have the balls to tell them that they missed the mark. But honestly, after being down this road of hair let down and shelling out an exorbitant amount of money only to not look my best, I’ve had just about enough. It is time we get our balls together, ladies because I know I’m not the only one with this issue.

It takes two to tango, and we have eyes. If we are watching them as they are doing an up-do and we see them going down a path of destruction, that is when we kindly and politely raise our hands and say something like, “I think it is looking really great, but could you change those corn rows you are putting down the center of my head and make it more clean-looking?” At the end of the day, they have the eye and know how to work magic … but you are the one paying them to make you look like a rock star. We absolutely have the right to say we don’t like something because it is our head we have to walk around with … and sometimes (at least I know I do) forget this fact to avoid hurting feelings. But it is also our du-diligence to say alert and watch every move they make with your hair. This is how we avoid prom nightmares.

Bottom line … I’m incredibly nervous for all of this to go down next Saturday. I mean is it rude to tell my stylist straight up to please not make me look like an 18-year-old going to prom or a country music super star … or even worse Shirley Temple :::cure music from Psycho:::: otherwise I will go Jersey housewives on your ass? All I can do is know I have a voice, watch this woman like a hawk and be on her about everything … and come armed with my specific pictures. Don’t I sound like the dream client … who wants to do my hair now!?