Men And Their Heinous Summer Style

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photo credit: http://noisey.vice.com/en_ca/blog/what-your-terrible-taste-in-music-says-about-you

While dudes countdown the minutes until the weather peaks above 60 degrees for ladies to start stripping off their Northface parkas and start indulging in tighter, shorter, more skin-exposed garments … us ladies, well, don’t have it so great in the warmer months.

While yes, nothing is more satisfying then the ease of a summer outfit … there is a downside. And no, it is not idiots on the street cat calling us because all of a sudden, holy shit, women have curves! Sigh … it is having to look at men’s summer style.

I was inspired this morning whilst reading a post written by one of my favorite radio personalities on Elvis Duran and the Morning, Carla Marie, who was outlining how heinous cargo shorts are and why men shouldn’t wear them.

Because I realize only two dudes read this blog and are probably drooling on themselves while they do so, I’ll speak to your girlfriends when I say, what in holy hell is up with men’s summer fashion? It’s like every dude on the street looks like they are headed to go drop some “Molly” at a techno festival. It truly makes me want to do a slow jump, fist flying in midair that I’m single this summer.

After witnessing a man on the train on the way home the other day dressed in a proper seersucker suit and straw hat, dressed to the nines … I felt it was my civil service to list out what men should avoid wearing this summer. You’re welcome men … and ladies that have to co-exist with them.

1. Neon: Literally stop it with the loud shirts and hats. It’s not 1995 or 85, for that matter. And no, you aren’t the Fresh Price of Belair, no matter how ironic you think it is. I don’t care if it is your “work out gear.” It’s tacky and I hate you. (If you know where that quote came from I adore you)

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2. Colorful/White Rimmed Sunglasses: Sigh … whenever I see a dude in white sunglasses or colorful rimmed sunglasses, I desperately want to take them off his face and smash them. While that may seem a little dramatic … and mean (I would never ACTUALLY do it … unless I knew you, of course) they are just that heinous. To make it easier for you to understand, if I saw Justin Timberlake wearing white/colorful rimmed sunglasses on the street … this would be my face:

aunt-linda3. Tank Tops: We get it, you have muscles … and a cool tribal tattoo on your bicep and you want the entire world to see. Seriously. I got the memo … I saved it for later, and I’ll think of it fondly. Really. I will. Now put on a proper shirt … for the love of Jesus.

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4. Graphic T-shirts: Thanks, Urban Outfitters, for allowing this shit to still stay relevant with dudes. Apparently it is 2003 if you have a penis. If you think wearing a shirt that has a picture of a greasy hamburger with “Health Nut” across it brings all the ladies to the yard, you are sorely mistaken. Get a guard dog to get those ladies out of your yard IMMEDIATELY because ain’t nothing good can come from that.

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5. Flip Flops: I know, I know, you’re all, “this bitch just crossed the line.” But so many dudes don’t believe in getting pedicures because they think it sucks out their “manliness.” I’m not asking you to get OPI’s Red Hot in Rio painted on with a sassy little palm tree on your big toe. I’m asking you to have someone shave off your dead skin, clip your nails properly, and give your feet some much needed TLC (sorry, writing all of that out just made me gag). I hate feet. They are DIS-GUSTING. So proper care and maintenance is key. If you think pedicures are “girly” and make you less of a man, than I don’t want to see any sort of flip flop on your foot … fool. Go to a salon, freak. IDIOT! (Sorry I’ll stop … gross feet in Rainbow flip flops make me irate)

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:::Takes a bow::: you’re welcome, ladies with idiot boyfriends who can’t dress themselves, you’re welcome.

Behold! A Bitch Who Doesn’t Brunch

Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 10.54.13 AMI hate making decisions. Especially, for some reason, right now. I’m blaming the explosion of allergies that is occurring. But I cannot make a decision to save my life. Do I want to organize my closet? Or do I want to watch a Will and Grace marathon? I’ll clean my closet :::gets to closet:::. Wait! This is a really good episode of Will and Grace (real life example) …back to the couch. Decisions are not currently my bag … baby (Austin Powers … still relevant). 

Hence why I loathe brunch. Now I know a bunch of city hipsters just threw their soy milk latte at their MacBook Pro screen … but it’s a fact. And it’s just a part of who I am. I am not a bitch who likes to brunch. There. I said it. I’m not a huge “Sunday Funday-er” and I hate the idea of breakfast and lunch merging into this beast of weird and overwhelming menu options. And here’s why:

7 a.m. – 12 p.m.: Breakfast 

12 p.m.-5 p.m.: Lunch

5 p.m. to 10 p.m.: Dinner

BRUNCH ISN’T REAL. 

Do I like the idea of day drinking? Umm it’s one of my most favorite things in the whole world. But why do I need to go to some snotty cafe or restaurant at noon on a weekend to have mimosas to do so? The answer is you do not. Day drinking can happen even if the word “brunch” isn’t in front of it. In fact, I think the word “brunch” was just invented for prude people who think day drinking was made up by the devil, and by simply adding a non-word to cover up their love for day drinking, they think they are better people than the ones who openly get their day drink on. 

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And there is a reason why I don’t fancy going to restaurants like the Cheesecake Factory. The menu is a fucking NOVEL. I literally start to make a pros and cons list of menu items. And when I finally pick something, I’m always let down. That shouldn’t happen at a restaurant. So why would I put myself in a situation where I had to choose between delicious, scrumptious and mouth watering pancakes or a big ol’ meaty burger with fries that make angels cry? It’s insanity, people, insanity! I want both. And now I’m fat. Thanks, brunch, thanks.  

Brunch has become the new black, I get it. I hear in New York City if you don’t do brunch, you literally aren’t a person … which reminds me even more why PHILLY RULES. But friends, if you ask me to brunch, I will politely decline. Ask me to breakfast! Seriously, I can’t remember the last time someone asked me to get breakfast on the weekend, probably because we are all too hungover to make it there. But hey, lunch is also an acceptable option, too. I adore lunch. Lunch rules. Sharing apps, having some cocktails, getting my carb on … it’s the best (man I’m getting hungry).

But when it comes to brunch, insert the biggest eye roll on the planet. What’s the next craze to hit the eating scene? Linner? “OMG you guys, let’s meet at 3:30 p.m. at Piere’s Sacred Bistro For Cool People and get our vodka and Red Bulls on with a Turkey Club Sandwich and a Steak!” No. Stop it. Maybe I’m old school, maybe I’m just a square, but brunch doesn’t fit into my vocab … at all. 

Some Thoughts On 2015…

thumbI usually save these types of posts for New Year’s Eve and shit, but I saw Man Repeller do a post reflecting on lessons learned in 2015, and since she is my blogging spirit animal I said, what the hell? And it’s important to “reflect” … ya know? 

This year … :::raises fists in the air and grits teeth::: THIS YEAR. ARGH. I mean … it has been splendid. It’s just darling. I can’t … honestly … think of one bad thing to say about it so far … :::blank stare:::

No matter what kind of year you are having, lessons are learned. Happy, sad, drunk, sober … we learn them. So please enjoy the lessons I have learned so far … although I’m warning you, some are sappy. Damn emotions … damn you to hell.

1. My goal of reading one book a month has not only helped in my relaxation efforts and made me want to stab people less (not that I would :::shifty eyes:::), it also has been really inspiring hearing other peoples words and stories.

2. Kylie Jenner’s lips give me nightmares, straight up. Even worse are the teens trying to obtain her lips by sucking on shot glasses. What?! Bitch, just say you got Botox so our youth can stop torturing themselves, kay?

3. If you have a couple of cocktails and then attempt to walk on ice, even in Hunter Boots, you WILL fall, and you WILL have a bruise on your ass the size of Texas (and no … nothing helps a bruise heal faster, I tried it all).

4. I can’t pull off 75% of the sandals that are en vogue this season because I’m in no way shape or form “norm-core” … and that bums me out significantly.

5. I’ve gotten considerably more goth and I’m 100% okay with that (my nails are red, does that count?).

6. Doing things by yourself (eating at restaurants, going to the movies) is super important and something I’m still trying to get comfortable with.

7. Everything, indeed, DOES happen for a reason. Roll your eyes all you want. I see you over there. Yeah I’m looking at you. That shit is true and I could give you like 400,000 examples of why that is so. Okay maybe not THAT many, but you know what I mean.

8. People who shame others for being single, fat, skinny, ugly, poor, rich, or for no reason at all, suck. Just be nice to one another, for the love of Jesus. Do you, and let the noise be what it is. Noise. Annoying, fucked up noise.

9. In that same breath, believing your own bullshit is insanely important. There’s a fine line between “cocky” and “believing your own bullshit,” I know … but if you feel like you did something well, or look extra fierce … tell ‘um … “I DON’T LOOK LIKE A GARGOYLE TODAY (in the tune of Beyonce’s “Flawless” if you couldn’t tell).

10. The people I loathe most on this Earth are the ones who tell me to “smile.” Still. I don’t think I will ever have an instance where some jagweed will tell me to “smile” and I’ll be all, “OKAY!” and skip along on my merry way. Nope. Not up in here. Just stop.

What have you picked up so far in 2015?