How Much My Face Costs

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.25.19 PMI hate to admit this. In fact, I’m typing with one hand and covering my face in shame with the other. But I’m slightly mystified with the Kardashians. I’m not proud of it. But after a long day, it’s something I can turn my brain off and be entertained by, much like staring at something shiny, ya know?

Therefore when I see an article that says something like, oh I don’t know … “This is How Much Kylie Jenner Spends On Her Face,” I click on it. (Oh shut it, you probably did, too) 

I was expecting thousands and thousands of dollars would be spent, between the lip fillers and her star-studded cast of hair stylists and makeup artists. But the youngest of the Kardashian clan spends around a little over $3,000 for the whole sha-bang. While for me, that price is shocking and a bit appalling, for her it’s kind of like, “really? That’s all?” 

Which made me want to evaluate my own beauty regiment, because I don’t know about you, but I wake up looking like a gargoyle. So I need a LOT of help de-gargoyling myself before I can show my face in public without scaring small children. 

While I was a little nervous, yet 110% positive I wouldn’t come close to Kylie’s over $3,000 beauty budget, I decided to crunch the numbers and see how much I actually spend to fake dance around people and be all, “I WOKE UP LIKE DIS,” but in reality I woke up super early and applied X amount of dollars worth of shit to my body so I didn’t frighten you. 

So here it is … 


Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Face Cleanser: $7.99

Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion: $11.99

Kiehls Facial Fuel Eye De-puffer: $20.00

Miss Spa Brightening Facial Sheet Mask: $3.99 (only once in a blue moon, though)

Rubbing Alcohol: $3.29 (this is my solution to all breakouts … it’s glorious)


Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation: $36 (I still don’t know if this shit ACTUALLY does anything)

Benefit Erase Paste: $26 (the cream of the Gods)

Laura Mercier Foundation: $48

Mac Bronzing Power: $26

Benefit Sugarbomb Box O’ Powder: $28 (I randomly found this stuffed in the back of my makeup drawer, and now I’m obsessed)

Benefit They’re Real Mascara: $24

Sephora Collection Long-lasting 12-hour liquid eyewear: $12

Sephora Collection Retractable Eyebrow Pencil: $13

Rimmel Lasting Finish By Kate Moss Lipstick: $5.79 (my current lip jam)


TRESeme Color Revitalize Protection Shampoo: $4.99

Conditioner from a hair dye box (depends): $6.99 (yes, I buy the box hair dye, and only use the conditioner because it rocks that hard)

Keratin shit from my salon: $20 (it has my salon’s logo on it, so I don’t know exactly where you could get it.  What up, Verde Salon)

Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak Dry Shampoo: $5.99 (only when I’m super lazy and don’t want to wash my hair, which is constantly)

Grand total to NOT look like a gargoyle: $304.02 

I mean it isn’t TERRIBLE, right? RIGHT?! GOOD GOD, TELL ME I DON’T HAVE ISSUES! Sigh. I blame Sephora. Damn you, Sephora and all of your shiny goodness, DAMN YOU! :::shakes fist::: (just kidding, love you, mean it)


Bunions. Bunions. Who’s Got The Bunions?

enhanced-buzz-3729-1367424652-18I’ll start this off by saying I hate feet. Really I do. It’s not like the sight of them make me gag or anything, I’m not that much of a freak … but I may or may not shield my eyes during toe fungus commercials (guuuhhhh)

I mean I think if you are born with a vagina, there is something in your DNA that just makes you adore shoes. But, unfortunately, the makers of these fierce shoes really don’t have “comfort” and “foot care” listed as their number one priority whilst making a shoe. It’s more about color, fabric, heel height, platforms, red soles … oooh the options, the sweet, sweet options. 

But the last time you bought a fierce pair of heels did you stop and be like, “hmm how will this shoe affect the health and wellbeing of my foot?” I’m sure you didn’t. If you are anything like me you’re just like, “SHINY THINGS … MINE,” and you’re done with it. But heels, at the end of the day, fuck up our feet. They just do. 

I never really thought about it nor gave a shit until I recently started seeing my shoes getting the same worn down circles where the side of my foot lives within them. I had no idea what it was all about or what it meant. I was just pissed that my shoes were looking more worn than they actually were. 

It wasn’t until my brother looked down at my bare foot and was like, “DEAR GOD … THAT BUNION!” Uhhh what? For some reason, my understanding of a “bunion” was that it was like a wort or some unsightly mass that would scare small children into the arms of their parents. Right? I mean even the word itself is absolutely cringeworthy. 

Never once did I think a bunion was simply your foot bones acting a fool due to poor, restricting footwear. Even worse, never once did I think it could happen to me (wow … I feel like I’m on a Lifetime special right now … tonight’s movie: the sad girl and her bunion)

All those years of wearing shoes that were too small for me because I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was a size 9, and then when I fell down the rabbit hole of wearing 4 inch heels. And now, I’m a commuter who refuses to be one of those women who rock sneakers on the train and switch into heels at work. Carrie Bradshaw never did it … now did she? But looking back, that bitch probably had INSANE bunions. 

So here I am, 28 years old … with bunions that are absolutely destroying the sides of my shoes. You would think I would care. That I would be like investing in orthopedic footwear. But alas … I’m not. Because I’m an idiot. And because I don’t want to let these bunions win, God dammit (also did I mention I’m an idiot, because if I keep up with this behavior, of course they are going to win). 

I’ve already accepted the fact that one day I will have to get that insanely painful surgery to remove said bunions and not be able to walk like a normal individual for a certain period of time. I’ve become one with it. I’ve owned it. I’m okay with it … kind of. 

These uncomfortable shoes we wear and that are the cause of bunions are the ones that make us connected to our femininity, and make us feel like rockstars. While I desperately wish Dr. Scholls looked like Loubs … they don’t, and probably never will. 

The things we do for fashion, right? Sigh. But hey, I did this to myself. I’ve own it and accepted it. But I have no regrets. Well … maybe pretending I was a size 8 when in reality I am a size 9. That was fucking stupid, self. But when it comes to all the amazing shoes I’ve put on my feet over the years… I regret nothing. NOTHING, I say. 

On a different note, a facility should be established, much like the “spas” where women go to get “refreshed,” where you can go have bunion surgery and recover in peace, whilst drinking wine, eating carbs, and lounging by a pool. I think I’m on to something, right? 


Men And Their Heinous Summer Style


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While dudes countdown the minutes until the weather peaks above 60 degrees for ladies to start stripping off their Northface parkas and start indulging in tighter, shorter, more skin-exposed garments … us ladies, well, don’t have it so great in the warmer months.

While yes, nothing is more satisfying then the ease of a summer outfit … there is a downside. And no, it is not idiots on the street cat calling us because all of a sudden, holy shit, women have curves! Sigh … it is having to look at men’s summer style.

I was inspired this morning whilst reading a post written by one of my favorite radio personalities on Elvis Duran and the Morning, Carla Marie, who was outlining how heinous cargo shorts are and why men shouldn’t wear them.

Because I realize only two dudes read this blog and are probably drooling on themselves while they do so, I’ll speak to your girlfriends when I say, what in holy hell is up with men’s summer fashion? It’s like every dude on the street looks like they are headed to go drop some “Molly” at a techno festival. It truly makes me want to do a slow jump, fist flying in midair that I’m single this summer.

After witnessing a man on the train on the way home the other day dressed in a proper seersucker suit and straw hat, dressed to the nines … I felt it was my civil service to list out what men should avoid wearing this summer. You’re welcome men … and ladies that have to co-exist with them.

1. Neon: Literally stop it with the loud shirts and hats. It’s not 1995 or 85, for that matter. And no, you aren’t the Fresh Price of Belair, no matter how ironic you think it is. I don’t care if it is your “work out gear.” It’s tacky and I hate you. (If you know where that quote came from I adore you)


2. Colorful/White Rimmed Sunglasses: Sigh … whenever I see a dude in white sunglasses or colorful rimmed sunglasses, I desperately want to take them off his face and smash them. While that may seem a little dramatic … and mean (I would never ACTUALLY do it … unless I knew you, of course) they are just that heinous. To make it easier for you to understand, if I saw Justin Timberlake wearing white/colorful rimmed sunglasses on the street … this would be my face:

aunt-linda3. Tank Tops: We get it, you have muscles … and a cool tribal tattoo on your bicep and you want the entire world to see. Seriously. I got the memo … I saved it for later, and I’ll think of it fondly. Really. I will. Now put on a proper shirt … for the love of Jesus.


4. Graphic T-shirts: Thanks, Urban Outfitters, for allowing this shit to still stay relevant with dudes. Apparently it is 2003 if you have a penis. If you think wearing a shirt that has a picture of a greasy hamburger with “Health Nut” across it brings all the ladies to the yard, you are sorely mistaken. Get a guard dog to get those ladies out of your yard IMMEDIATELY because ain’t nothing good can come from that.


5. Flip Flops: I know, I know, you’re all, “this bitch just crossed the line.” But so many dudes don’t believe in getting pedicures because they think it sucks out their “manliness.” I’m not asking you to get OPI’s Red Hot in Rio painted on with a sassy little palm tree on your big toe. I’m asking you to have someone shave off your dead skin, clip your nails properly, and give your feet some much needed TLC (sorry, writing all of that out just made me gag). I hate feet. They are DIS-GUSTING. So proper care and maintenance is key. If you think pedicures are “girly” and make you less of a man, than I don’t want to see any sort of flip flop on your foot … fool. Go to a salon, freak. IDIOT! (Sorry I’ll stop … gross feet in Rainbow flip flops make me irate)


:::Takes a bow::: you’re welcome, ladies with idiot boyfriends who can’t dress themselves, you’re welcome.