Things That Make Me Stabby

e27063982844ada2fc69d512b4c4668eA lot of people wonder why the knife emoji is always in my emoji top 8. In fact, I get a little bummed out when I notice the knife emoji has dipped out of my top 8 (what, you guys don’t have an emoji top 8?).

Having a bad day? Knife emoji.

People suck? Knife emoji.

When your fave Chinese food restaurant refuses to deliver? Knife emoji.

Hell, sometimes I just text my sister the knife emoji and it’s like, “enough said. She’s stabby. Leave it alone.”

Which made me think about all of the things that have made me stabby recently. Because there are OH so many. For starters, writer’s block. FUCK writer’s block, man. Hence why I haven’t posted in over a month. Sigh. Because I had a whole lot of nothin’ goin’ on up in this piece. 

So here I am, feeling stabby, and wanting to share it with the world. 

Oh, and to be clear, I would never ACTUALLY stab someone. Only a little bit in the thigh, IF NECESSARY (kidding … kind of)

1. Unicorn everything: Why. Like I get it for little kids. But there’s something that just makes me incredibly sad to see grown ass adults walking, drinking, eating, and covered in unicorn shit. Right?

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2. Jeans covered in mud for $425: Da fuq? That’s all I have to say about that. 

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3. Coachella and everything Coachella-related: Does anyone else find Coachella fashion nauseating? Cut off short shorts with my with ass cheeks hanging out and crocheted crop tops paired with a unicorn-style flower crown, and enough glitter to make a drag queen jealous just doesn’t get my rocks off. Sorry.  

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4. Anything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth: I mean, do I need to elaborate?

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5. Off the shoulder tops: I kind of wanted to one until I realized, A. Sarah Palin rocked one in the White House and immediately all of them needed to be burned and B. wearing one requires a strapless bra, and we all know how I feel about them. Ladies with big taas need to wear a bra, fortunately and unfortunately all at the same time.

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6. Cramps: I’m currently suffering and just want to have an intimate spooning session with my heating pad. 

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8. What Dakota Johnson or any other star looks like without makeup on: Makeup makes everything better. Who doesn’t feel like a million bucks after going into Sephora for eyeliner and walking out with $200 worth of crap you didn’t need? Also bitch was TOTALLY wearing makeup at the Oscars. Give me a break.

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9. Showing your ass while posing in front of beautiful landscapes: According to Facebook, this is a thing? And it makes me want to leave civilization forever.

10. Slow walkers: Yes, I am that asshole walking way to close behind you so you MOVE THE FUCK ALONG. 

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11. People who email me and refer to me as “LifeSucksInAStraplessBra” then hates on my SEO practices and everything else I have going on in the backend of my blog: How hard is it to look at my bio and be like, “oh her name is Kate,” and then say, “Hey Kate, your SEO practices and all of your other web skills suck and you have MAJOR problems.” Also, stop emailing me because I don’t care. 

12. Sweating/sweating through my bra: Murderous rage. I daydream about whipping that thing off the minute I get home. Sick, right? 

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13. In the same breath, humidity: It’s like yay springtime, outside, frothy drinks, and then the oversized, fat and sweaty palm of the humidity monster bitch slaps me across the face. Nope. Solid nope.

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Self Care

parks-and-recreation-meditation-ron-swansonThe world is a God damn dumpster fire. That’s really all I can say. I literally walked upstairs to pee the other night, and by the time I came back to my couch, the acting Attorney General had been fired for not swallowing a fist full of Trump’s crazy pills. Uhhh…  

Logging on to social media is like immersing yourself in an angry crowd of towns folk trying to bring to justice a bunch of witches. That is the world right now. So many people (myself included) are so angry, sad, outraged, in shock, and God damn rightly so since we are all fucked, unless you are a privileged white dude. 

I realize “self care” has become such a buzzword as of late. And for a while I thought it was just an excuse to slack off and schedule a massage for no reason. I didn’t realize what it meant or how important it was until I found myself in the middle of a good ol’ fashioned breakdown. 

My anxiety was through the roof, my eyes were leaking, I was FEELING things (what the eff!?). I just wasn’t me, and that’s a scary thing to realize. I’m not saying it was all Donald Trumps’ fault, but his dumb ass DEFINITELY had something to do with it (#thanksDonald). Because when you immerse yourself in that much negative shit, there is really no other outcome. 

While in no way, shape, or form would I consider myself even CLOSE to a “self help guru” (hi, I’m a hot fucking mess sprinkled with anxiety and self loathing), I am figuratively stepping outside of the insane, angry crowd of people to “get some fresh air.” Because sometimes it’s too much. 

One person can’t save the world, unfortunately. What you CAN focus on saving is your sanity. Because we need sane people to help fight this madness going down in our country. 

Henceforth where this “self care” comes in. Listen to your body. If you want to punt your television every time you watch the news, then stop for a bit. If you can’t take the crazy loons screaming on social media about how everything is awful and underlining another horrific thing Trump has done, log off.

For example I’ve been keeping my phone in my purse for a few hours after I get home from work. It’s torture, and I can only imagine it is like what a drug addict goes through when they can’t get a fix, but I’m trying, dammit. 

After hour two I like run to my phone thinking 50 people texted me, when in reality only a food delivery service texted me a coupon code for my next order. Awesome. 

I’m back on Pinterest, because pinning shit soothes my soul. I watch the Food Network because I find it relaxes me (unless Guy Fieri is on or some kids baking bullshit). I have like 45 books that need reading, so I’m going to do that this weekend. Binge watching TV is cool. Like right now I’m on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (it’s so good, but I wish they would stop singing … it makes me uncomfortable).

I mean, we are all different weird birds, so I can’t tell you how to define your “self care.” Just don’t feel like an asshole because you’ve treated yourself to a bottle of wine and you’re soaking in a juicy Us Weekly instead of joining your fellow people and protesting for our rights. 

Just don’t tune out completely … because that would be dumb and I’m pretty sure if we all tune out, we are for sure going to die. Kay, thanks. 

Everything in moderation, right? Fake self help guru OUT :::drops mic:::