Note To Self: Don’t Apply Crest White Strips While Driving

So if I haven’t mentioned 1,000 times already, I’m in a wedding in less than two weeks … not just a wedding, but my best friend’s wedding. It is kind of a big deal. So the last big wedding I was in was when I was my sister’s maid of honor at the young age of 14, and let’s just say those pictures, which are plastered everywhere, make me want to cringe. My sister, my mom, my brother … all look absolutely fabulous. And then there is me, braces and all, incredibly frail and thin, and insanely tall for a 14-year-old. Don’t get me wrong, my dress was amazing … I just looked, rather … oh what is the word … yeah, awkward. I mean I was like in the throes of puberty, give a girl a break.

But anyways … now as a 25-year-old lady and knowing that these photos will be with me until the day I die, I am doing everything in my power to look fabulous, including whitening my teeth. I would never go to a dentist and pay that ridiculous price to have my teeth professionally whitened. A. I’m really quite freaked out by dentists and do everything in my power to avoid them at all costs B. Not that I actually watch Friends, but I did see that one ridiculous episode when Ross gets his teeth bleached and they like glowed in the dark … and yeah, I’m a bit nervous that would happen to me. Damn you, Ross Geller! So Crest White Strips it is!

So I marched myself to CVS since I had $5 off my entire purchase to buy them. Go to the teeth aisle … and yeah, only CVS brand? What? Really? Wandered around the store looking uncomfortably for them in the beauty aisles, vitamin aisles, condom aisles and every other kind of awkward aisle. Finally went up to the counter only to find that the Crest White Strips are like locked in a safe so you have to point to the ones you want. No offense cashier, but I kind of don’t want to make a decision about what is going to whiten my teeth best with a line full of antsy and annoying moms behind me sighing and tapping their foot, kay thanks. Long story short, I got the Crest White Strips 3D … or something like that. For $44 God damn dollars. Yeah, luckily they were on sale for $10 off (halla CVS Care Card), but still … for Crest white strips?

Since you have to leave them on for 30 minutes each day for 14 days, I thought the perfect time would be whilst driving to work, since my commute is about 45 minutes or so. So this morning, I get in my car, get situated and applied the strips. Now excuse me Crest commercials, but you do show people wearing them at work, on dates, at the gym, right? You can wear them ANYWHERE and no one will even notice, right? ::: hair flip::: Wrong, sir, WRONG! I checked myself out in the mirror and legit looked like I had a disgusting film of something over my teeth, like a hill billy who was never introduced to a tooth-brush … it was awful.

So I started driving, thinking to myself the whole time “are my teeth whiter yet, are my teeth whiter yet?” After 30 minutes, while driving (I know, I’m an idiot, note to self: Pull over to take care of teeth issues next time) I tried to carefully lift them off my top teeth, but found it was like super glued to them. I started to freak out a little bit but had to remain in control since, well, I was controlling a vehicle. After a few deep breaths I finally got a grip underneath it and was able to rip them off. Good. Lord. The white strip like glued itself to my teeth and when I pulled it off … finally … it was God awful. I loathe certain textures. They skeeve me out to the core. And the Crest strip was the perfect example of textures that make me squirm. So there I am, finally pulled off this thing, freaking out because of the texture, looking at my teeth and noticing there was like a film of something that tasted awful on them, trying to remain in control (It is okay if you secretly wish to never share a road with me, I totally understand.) Then it got stuck to my fingers and I tried desperately to dispose of it in my trash bag while carrying on and freaking out. I mean, Christ, whomever was driving next to me REALLY got a show.

After all of that, do my teeth look whiter yet? I have no clue. Apparently after three days you can see results, and so help me God if I don’t. And yes, I fully intend to keep up this 14 days regiment, only because I spent so much money and I’m slightly cheap when it comes to things of this nature. Lesson learned: Take strips off once at work. Run in the building and run straight down to the bathroom so I don’t endanger myself or any fellow drivers with my fear of certain textures. At this point I hope my teeth are so white people will need to wear 3D glasses to get their full intense effect.

Disclaimer: This post was indeed NOT sponsored by Crest White Strips.