Confession: My Straight Hair Isn’t Real

Yep. It is true ladies and gents. I realize most of you personally do not know me, so this may not be earth shattering news and you might be thinking to yourselves right now, ” … and crazy lady?” Well, I’m going to say 99.9 percent of the time my hair is poker straight … all the time. That .1 percent is for the half hour I spend letting it air dry when I get out of the shower.

I’m going to blame it on puberty and hormones but from the moment I turned 13 my hair became this thick, kinky, tight curly conundrum to deal with. I’m also going to blame it on Jennifer Aniston and her stupid perfect hair in the early 2000’s, because I insisted upon rocking her short, layered hair style, which then lead me to have this “side-show Bob” look.¬†And then I would have these random people telling me how lucky I was for my “beautiful curls,” and how they would give anything for a little “wave” in their hair. Well folks … I had more than a little wave, I had a god damn tsunami effect going on.

All it took was meeting the right hair dresser who changed my life when I was 13. I remember him cutting my hair and then asking me if I wanted it “asian straight.” Without even knowing what that was I said yes because I was so over those hack hair dressers I’ve had in the past who would try to blow my hair out, get lazy and tired and leave me with this out of control, still wet puffy afro that random items could get lost in, like pens.

“Asian straight” involved two hairdressers that were extremely trendy men dressed in all black both violently blowing my hair out for two hours. And if I didn’t think my hair was already super straight, I then was introduced to a piece of machinery that I would later name “Jesus.” The FHI Stik, a flat-iron that got up to 450 degrees that turned me into a whole new person. It was pure magic. I couldn’t stop touching it, flipping it around, I felt like God damn Britney Spears. Glor-I-ous.

So from that day on, I practiced blowing my own hair out like the trendy frizz fighters did, which took me nearly two hours. They would give me pointers and I would experiment with different flat irons throughout the years. Con Air (fail), Hot Tools (one of my favorite past times) … until I finally got my hands on a “Jesus” of my own … for $120.

11 years later and here I am. My curly hair never sees the light of day. Why? Because I get rage blackouts when it’s curly for some reason. I never related to it, I never understood it, it was NEVER me. So I bet you are wondering why I never got it chemically straightened. Well, by the time my mom was going to allow me to do it, I already picked up the hair dying addiction, going from red to brown to black to dark brown to reddish purple, back to brown, and I didn’t feel the best thing for me was more chemical treatments on my hair.

So what used to take me two hours to straighten now takes me 1/2 hour, and I, at this point in time in my life, can absolutely call myself a hair straightening aficionado. So a couple of pointers from me to you:

1. The longer your hair the better. Especially if you have thick hair, the length of your hair will weigh it down and, believe it or not, will reduce your straightening time.

2. Condition. Condition and Condition some more. When you get your hair cut, which you SHOULD do every six months, but if not don’t sweat it, ask for a conditioning treatment. When you get out of the shower, use a conditioning straightening serum and use it every time you take a flat-iron to it. I use Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum and it is genius. My hair doesn’t even look damaged (even though it most definitely is).

3. If you have shorter hair, don’t indulge in layers. They are lovely in theory, but for us girls with thick, curly hair who want it straight … it is not conducive. Tell your hair dresser to cut it like is it straight, which will then make it easier for you to straighten. Know that the first day you straighten your hair will not be your best hair day. Give it a day or so to adjust. The second day is always the best, so keep this in mind if you have an event.

4. Invest in Jesus. Yes, it may seem like a lot of money to spend on a hair straighter, but it will last you three or four years. I’m personally not a fan of the Chi, so I recommend the FHI Stik, as it gets up to 450 degrees and gets the job done quickly.

5. If you have thick and ridiculously curly hair and are dedicated to keeping it straight, know it is okay to only wash it one or two times a week. It may seem really gross, but as long as your hair doesn’t get greasy easily, which it really only will do if it is super long, then you should be fine. Feel it out, but if you are spending over an hour straightening your hair, then you should be good for a couple of days … at least. So therefore, it is not gross, I promise. But shower everyday, that is just common sense ladies.