There Is No Crying In Spray Tanning!

Screen shot 2013-04-22 at 8.39.16 PMAs most of you know by now … I’m pale. Like really pale. Like pathetically pale. And lucky for me, some kind soul read my post about how pale I actually am and felt a need to aid in my search for a little sun kissed color. I woke up the next morning with a kind message from Adrienne, the owner of Baked Tanning in Philadelphia, offering to give me a spray tan … and when you look like Casper the Friendly Ghost’s twin like I do … you jump on a golden opportunity like this.

I had only been spray tanned once prior to this experience, and quite frankly it was pretty stressful. The exfoliating, the turning too dark after waiting too long to shower, the exfoliating again, and again, and again, and dealing with parts of your body that were darker than others. Luckily Adrienne gave me “spray tanning 101″ which I will share with you now so you can enjoy a painless, stress-free, almost relaxing tanning experience.

1. Exfoliate, Shave and Say Your Prayers: Don’t go insane, but get that dead skin off before the tan. You’ve been hiding your epidermis under bulky sweaters and tights for the past five months … start with a fresh layer of skin, ladies and gents. And yes … ev-er-y-where, all the good nooks and crannies. And the same goes for any unwanted hair. You may or may not be in the shower for a solid 45 minutes … I gave your fair warning.

2. Go All Natural: That means no makeup, moisturizer, or deodorant. Oh yeah … bet you didn’t know spray tanning turns deodorant green … cause it does. The Incredible Hulk look is so not hawt right now. So yeah, you may look like a hot mess going to and from the spray tan, but do what I did and pretend you are going to the gym … except … not. When people looked at me, I gave them a look back like, “oh yeah … don’t mind me … just going to pump some iron … in flip flops … yeaaaaahhh DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

3. Trust the Person Spraying You: If you don’t … walk the hell out. But usually … USUALLY … the person spraying you knows what shade of tan will look best on you. I trust Adrienne 110% because she gave me her background, told me how she trains her employees, etc. It’s okay to ask them those questions. And asking them their opinion is encouraged … they are the experts, for crying out loud. For example, if I told Adrienne that I wanted to look like I sat out in the sun below the equator for the past three months with no SPF, she would have told me I was absolutely cray and I would have respected that. Instead a natural, healthy glow was suggested.

4. Kim Kardashian Is An Idiot: If you’ve watched the entire season of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami with drool coming out of your mouth like me … then you’ve seen Kim and her blurred out nipples getting spray tanned every other day. Not just getting spray tanned … but getting layers and layers and layers of spray tanning. Turns out, there is no need to get layers of spray tan to make you darker. One layer of tan, with the right color suggested, will give you the perfect color … like I did. So Kim, maybe you should fire your fancy in-home spray tan specialist and hire Adrienne … just sayin’. I can’t image huffing spray tanning fumes is good for you either… organic smorganic.

5. Tans Don’t Just Fall Off: People think spray tans can melt off, slide off, run away without leaving a goodbye note. Nope. Let me bring it back to freshman year science class for a sec. Your skin is made up of cells. So in essence, you’re getting your cells spray tanned (ew … mental image). So when those cells die, they, along with their fierce spray tan, will fall off … making you pale once again. So you have to put effort into making those cells stay alive by moisturizing, for the love of God, with baby products. Powders, oils … yes … baby products. In my mind they may be cheaper, but I am in no way shape or form a momma, so who the hell knows.

6. No Fist Pumps or Hair Poofs: I didn’t leave Baked Jersey Shore-style … but God forbid you do … nail polish remover may be your best friend. Sometimes your ankles, knuckles, knee caps may get a little darker, and if that happens rub a little nail polisher remover over those areas and you’ll be good as gold. OR a lemon and sugar rinse will do the trick, if you’re an “all-natural” type of person.

I gotta say … this is by far the best spray tanning experience I’ve EVER had. I’m going on week two and I still have a nice, natural glow still (but I also made sure to keep my cells hydrated). And unfortunately, Kim Kardashian is a dirty liar … I did NOT feel 10 pounds lighter, but I did get a massive boost of confidence from it. I didn’t feel the need to wear as much makeup and I just felt healthier. A great self-esteem boost if you need a little pick-me-up.

And if you don’t live by Philly … I feel terrible for you, because I’m giving Adrienne and Baked Tanning my massive, shiny, unicorn sparkle stamp of approval for all fabulous ladies out there that need a pick-me-up. Not only is she a ridiculously talented spray tanner, but most importantly is no bullshit and will give you a service that will make you glow from inside and out.

So to Adrienne, I thank you so much for hooking me up so I don’t look like I’m an extra on the set of True Blood as well as taking the time to explain the fine art of how to get a beautiful and long lasting spray tan. Aaaaaaand I may be back in the next week … I’m starting to look like Casper again … ah!

My Deep Dark Fear Of Getting Spray Tanned Exposed

Instead of getting in the fetal position and rocking back and forth in a corner, I’ve decided to share with you all, dear readers, my deepest and darkest fears of getting spray tanned this Thursday.

Let’s get down to the reason why I’m actually allowing some stranger to paint my body in hopes that it makes me look tan. Well … I’m pale, really really pale. The older I get the less I give a shit about that fact though because I spent a good amount of my teenage years burning the crap out of my skin (wow I sound old) and now I’m worried about getting these crazy things called wrinkles … and that other crazy thing called cancer. Yeah, I said it. But when you have an event and or wedding, a nice little glow seals the whole deal, and by deal I mean makeup, hair, dress, accessories and beyond.

In the meantime as I wait for my appointment that is still a couple of days away … I find myself freaking out for numerous reasons.

1. I’m extremely nervous that I will be transformed into Snookie. Even though I’m going to over emphasize that all I want is a nice glow to take the edge off of my deathly looking pale skin, I’m in fear that they are going to make me look like I’ve been living in a tanning bed for the past six months. I. Will. Freak. Out. No fist pumping, no poofs, just a glow, dammit … a glow.

2. I’m extremely nervous that I will have some crazy reaction to the spray tan. Okay, perhaps this is the partial hypochondriac side of me speaking, but I have really bad luck with this kind of stuff. For example, before my senior prom I used that Nair-esque stuff … I forget what it was called, but it was foam you put on your legs and it just whipped away the hair (sick image, right?), leaving your legs smooth for days and days. So of course I used it thinking it was genius and ended up breaking out in ridiculously itchy hives. Could you imagine having a reaction to a spray tan!? I’m not sure if that is even possible, but I keep picturing myself as the Incredible Hulk, except not green … more like orangey-red covered in hives, having to take copious amounts of Benydryl to stay sane as I stand at the altar like a red, bumpy zombie freak. Hot, right? Uh … moving on …

3. I’m not really down with the whole let me get naked in front of a complete stranger as she paints my entire body so I look tan … thing. I’m not conservative in any sense of the word, but there is something weird to me about literally meeting someone and the next minute disrobing. I know, I know … these people are professionals and they see a million naked people a day, but it still makes me a bit uneasy. Standing there, in my birthday suit with a shower cap on and my arms all out and about … my God. Sure, I could wear a bra and panties that I don’t care about, but unfortunately I’m wearing a dress that leaves no room for tan lines, on the top at least … so therefore, I’m going to have to take it all off. Sigh. Perhaps I should do some shots before I go, yes? Yes, shots are a must.

4. I’m nervous it has a smell. Going to a tanning salon has a certain scent that to this day still makes me nauseous. It is like the scent of burnt skin and cancer … ick. So I’m curious to see if spray tanning has a scent. Could you imagine if they asked you what kind of spray tan fragrance you wanted, like at the dentist when they ask you what fluoride flavor you wanted for your treatment? As a child, I always chose the wacky flavors like marshmallow and watermelon for fluoride treatments when I KNEW I should have chosen mint like a normal person. Now anything watermelon flavored skeeves me out … serves me right I suppose. But I know if spray tanning had scents you could choose from, I would pick like the vanilla cupcake scent like an idiot instead of the beach, all-natural scent. What can I say … I like baked goods, mine as well smell like one.

5. Not being evenly sprayed is one of my worst fears. I’m going to do my best to exfoliate the best I can before going … but that still leaves room for error. There are some places I just can’t reach, okay. I’m worried my forehead will be orange and my cheeks will be a different color, while my chest has streaks and my shoulders are ghostly white still. AH. Dear God. I will be like the technicolor bridesmaid. They will call me “marble” as my nickname. I have nightmares of everyone pointing and laughing at me at the altar as I stand there like God damn multi-colored outcast. Okay maybe I don’t have actual nightmares but it is still quite unnerving.

So yeah, there is all is, friends, my tanning heart and soul on the table. Well, in all honesty, these are all legit things that could 100% happen okay … and they absolutely freaking terrify me. So why am I STILL doing it you ask? Well … because I can’t deal with how see through my skin is, and well … I’m ridiculously curious about all this jazz. Sure, curiosity may turn the cat orange in this case, but if anything it could be a funny experience, right? You know, getting naked in front of a stranger, have said stranger spraying foreign dye on my skin to make me look tan, potentially looking like an Oompa Loompa and or breaking out in hives … I mean mine as well be an episode straight out of Friends or something, right … well, perhaps a more dysfunctional version of Friends. My TV show would probably be on Showtime or something.

Oh the things we do to look glamorous.