Spring Shoes: Woof

af557433c196b9a2aaf06140a5454486Has anyone noticed how fugly shoes are this spring? I feel like I jumped into some weird time machine and zoomed back to my days in the 90’s when I would have sold my mother to have a full wardrobe from Delias (RIP).

Usually I’m over-joyed with the articles outlining the “top 10 must-have shoes for spring” as I fill my virtual shopping cart. And as it gets fuller and fuller, I contemplate ways of how I could afford them all including selling my body (just kidding … kind of … sort of :::shifty eyes:::). 

Now I’m staring at my computer screen making a really ugly face (think of an ugly cry face but without the crying) and quietly exclaiming to myself, “WHY.” Seriously. I’m in no way shape or form running out to get a pedicure to expose my feet in all of these eye sores. I’ll keep my over-the-knee boots zippered up, a-thank you very much.

What happened to the days of Carrie Bradshaw when shoes were like candy, huh? The ones that were sparkling, colorful, sky-high, and made you feel like a model running around the city. Now I just feel like everyone is going to be walking around this spring recreating a failed Spice Girls video. GAWL POWAH! I don’t know who these fashion editors are kidding, thinking I will put my shower shoes from college back on (yes I wore platform sandals in the shower in college, we didn’t have a great drainage system), but I shant. I SHANT, I say.

So without further adieu, let me activate your gag reflex because, well, misery loves company, am I right? And don’t even bother clicking on them thinking I’ll send you to the link because why on God’s green Earth would I do that to anyone? You’re we,come.

No.

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Stop it.

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Insert Emoji Vom Face

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Dear GOD why?

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Seriously? My eyes.

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Please, no more.

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Oh, Em, Gee. Sandals.

Photo credit: http://www.dsw.com/shoe/fergalicious+ferocious+gladiator+sandal?prodId=296723&cm_mmc=CSE-_-Shopping-_-Fergalicious-_-296723&mr:referralID=b2f92be4-e6a1-11e3-8dbe-001b2166c2c0

Photo credit: http://www.dsw.com/shoe/fergalicious+ferocious+gladiator+sandal?prodId=296723&cm_mmc=CSE-_-Shopping-_-Fergalicious-_-296723&mr:referralID=b2f92be4-e6a1-11e3-8dbe-001b2166c2c0

Let our feet be free! It was a joy to kick my boots to the curb. An honest to God joy. Seeing for the first time my feet, which had only been randomly manicured by yours truly during the chilly months prior, well … that was a different story. Woof.

But once a pedicure was secured, I was ready to dive head first into sandal season. I literally wanted to do the back stroke in a sea of cute gladiators and thong flops. Nothing would have pleased me more. But where does a gal begin?

I’m pretty sure you could walk into one store, find a smashing pair of black gladiators for $150, say “bitch, please,” walk into a more “economically friendly” store and see the (almost) same pair for under $50, and say “that’s more like it.” Even though I swoon over delicious high-end brands, I just don’t see spending over $100 on sandals. (Unless someone wants to buy me a pair, then of course, OMG expensive sandals, you shouldn’t have!)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in investing in pieces. A sun dress? Absolutely, where do I swipe my credit card? Sandals just don’t happen to be something I see worth investing in unless they have a heel. Specifically because my favorite sandals come from the land of Forever 21. They are amazing and last. AND LAST. For example, I bought a pair around 2 years ago, wore them when I went tubing (I don’t do “water shoes”), washed them by hand afterward, and still got a full 2 summers worth of wear out of them. And they were under $20. Hello? You can’t beat that. I’m sorry.

In a world where we have 500 different versions of black sandals in different styles … where the hell do you start, am I right? Well … calm down, take a deep breath and let me outline for you the best sandal-styles to invest in for summer 2k14. And once you snag these … the sandal world is your oyster. Get all freaky with them if you please. Just don’t wear Birkenstocks with socks … or you will be dead to me. DEAD, I say, DEAD!

The simple black pair you can literally wear with anything and everything:

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Saucy brown pair you could (almost) wear with anything:

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A wedge (sandal … not salad):

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A sandal for those Xena Warrior Princess days:

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Ones with a pop of color/personality:

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Just promise you won’t rock these … promise?:

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My First Pair Of Kicks In 11 Years

Capture1I know what you’re thinking. Are those the beat up ol’ running shoes Jennay gave Forrest in Forrest Gump? Sadly … no. I assume they are probably in the Smithsonian or something. These pink gems happen to be the last pair of kicks I purchased … in 2003. Yes. 2003 was the last time I invested in a pair of sneakers. I bought these Reeboks on an annual NYC shopping trip that my mom and I used to take before every school year. Back then I rocked sneakers almost every day (I was in high school, heels weren’t really appropriate).

Fast forward 11 years later and here I am. The reason why sneakers haven’t graced my feet since 2003 is because I had absolutely no need for them. In college I pretty much wore Uggs or flats, or if I was heading out on the town, heels. Also I had absolutely no money to purchase things I didn’t 100% need. Once I got thrown into the “real world” I started my love affair with heels. Like big girl heels, not the kind I once upon a time purchased in Target in the sale bin. When it came down to it and I was faced with a pair of Sam Edelman stilettos or a pair of Nike kicks … who do you think won? Sam ALWAYS won. Still does. :::Swoon:::

I bet you’re wondering, do I work out? Am I active? Are you obsess? The answers to those questions would be sometimes, kind of, and absolutely not. I just found a way around purchasing sneakers by participating in physical activities that didn’t require any “active-wear” like yoga, for example. No shoes required, what so ever. Kind of genius, and my favorite way to break a sweat. Because I don’t run even if I’m being chased by a serial killer and gyms annoy me more than anything.

But after years of wearing seriously inappropriate footwear … stilettos, pointed stilettos, flats with absolutely no support, I realized I was doing a number on my feet. Let me say, I hate feet. Loathe feet. I will never ever understand people who have feet fetishes. But thanks to my poor footwear decisions, I started noticing that I’m developing bunions (ew), I have scars everywhere from blisters and cuts (ew), and my feet constantly ache. Cool.

As a commuter in the city, I walk EVERYWHERE. And when I gained the title as “public transportation user” and threw my car keys to the wind, I promised myself I would still wear cute shoes and not be one of those women who rock sneakers with a skirt suit. See below:

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And after almost a year of doing this, my feet are in worse shape than ever (don’t worry, I’ll spare you the imagery). So that’s when I decided to take to Twitter and have the general public help me find a great pair of sneakers that wouldn’t make me feel like a 1980’s working woman. Enter Reebok Women stage right.

I saw the commercials for Reebok Skyscape with Miranda Kerr strutting around and almost forgetting to take off her shoes before getting in the shower, but I was too fixated on how Miranda Kerr is the spokesperson for EV-ERY-THING to notice how rad these sneakers were. But I digress.

So after chatting with the great people over at Reebok Women, telling them my sob story about how I’ve been torturing my feet for years, they recommended the Reebok Skyscape … and not just recommended, but demanded that they send me a pair. Out of all the fun colors and styles, I, of course, chose the leopard print ones, as I felt I would have a better opportunity to style them up more. See below:

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And after 11 years, I FINALLY own a pair of ridiculously cool kicks that don’t make me feel like a “Sport Spice,” but just like me. A ridiculously big thanks to the great peeps over at Reebok Women … I’m in lerve. And no, I still refuse to part with my pink Reeboks. They are just too good to toss.

Oh also, I totes lay on my bed in my Skyscapes just like this … totes.

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