Own Your Shit

200_sIf you’re as worried as I am that it is the end of times, don’t worry, we can lay in the fetal position and hold each other whilst eating soft pretzels and chugging wine. 

I feel like every single morning my alarm goes off, I learn something new and awful that happened while I was sleeping. From horrifying terror attacks, to people just being stupidly mean to one another, to the more meaningless and ridiculous acts of Kim Kardashian posting footage of Taylor Swift approving “I made that bitch famous.” It’s always something. 

Everything just feels … off right now, right? All we can do is try to make this world a somewhat decent place to coexist. And I believe that starts with a little thing known as owning your shit. Yeah, I said it. I don’t care if you’ve sold 14 bazillion records, or are Sally Sunshine from Mississippi who eats rainbows and sparkles for dinner. Say it with me now … own your shit. 


Oh you pretended like you were so offended by being called a “bitch” in a song, and then footage came out showing you originally approved it? Own it. A simple statement like, “yeah I’m an ass, I approved it. But to be honest, when it came out I changed my mind because you know what? It isn’t okay to be called a bitch. Sorry, guys,” would have stopped a lot of useless, dumbass drama. Here’s a little life secret I’ll share between me and you … ready? It’s totally okay to laugh at yourself. I do it daily. Shh don’t tell anyone. 

So you ate your co-workers sandwich and then denied it? Stop being a moron. “I ate your sandwich, coworker, because I was starving and thought it was mine even though I knew deep down it wasn’t. I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow to make it up to you.” Now people won’t stand around the water cooler talking about what a psychopath you are.

My favorite and yours, you plagiarized a speech from the first lady and then denied it. There is no getting around plagiarism kids, because you can’t deny words. Look, see below? Can’t deny that shit. But alas … the sky is green, not blue in the wonderful world of the Trumps. 

Screen Shot 2016-07-19 at 4.50.09 PM

Photo credit: CNN.com

Plagiarism scares the shit out of me. Since I was old enough to write a paper I was told if I stole material from another human, I would basically become the scum of the Earth with no future, and it would follow me around for the rest of my life (thanks, public school). 

Here’s what you do: Fire your entire team. Like every single person who touched the speech, looked at the speech, wrote the speech, breathed near the speech, was in the same room as the speech. Fuck it, fire the people who made the paper the speech was written on. Fire. Them. They are all idiots. 

THEN … apologize. Publicly. Especially to Michelle Obama, because you stole from her. Jewelry, words, souls, stealing is stealing. Suck it up, say you made a huge ridiculous mistake, and deal with the consequences. People will have more respect for you. 

I realize owning your shit seems easier than it looks. The embarrassment, remorse, and being put in the spotlight as the biggest ass to ever walk this Earth isn’t fun, I get it. But by saying you screwed up and apologizing, you can then shut the story down and start taking control of it. 

Look, I’m not perfect. I’m far from it, in fact. Like REALLY far from it. But when I mess up in my professional life, I own up to it. Because I’ve learned that all mistakes I’ve made have just forced me to become better at what I do. Instead of pointing fingers and throwing other innocent people under the bus, embrace that huge, ugly mistake, learn a lesson from it, and move on with your life. Same goes with my personal life. 

The world is a strange place right now, that’s an undeniable fact. So let’s stop acting like 5-year-olds, pulling one another’s hair and then screaming “SHE DID IT” on the playground. We’re adults, for the love of God. And not to sound like a rabid real housewife who is about to flip the God damn kitchen table but, OWN YOUR SHIT!

Republicans, democrats, Taylor Swift … I’m looking at all of you specifically.


10 Things To Not Give A Shit About

Screen Shot 2016-03-31 at 12.16.24 PMI’ve come to realize I spend a lot of time worrying, thinking, and analyzing things that really don’t matter. Like ridiculous amounts of time. For example last night on my way home, I couldn’t decide if I should go to Rite Aid and THEN take an Uber home, or go to Rite Aid and hopefully still have time to make my second train. Or … do I even need to go to Rite Aid at all (I needed tampons … yes, self, you needed to go to Rite Aid). 

It’s not healthy. And I’m about to turn 30. Bitch … I cannot afford stress lines, wrinkles, and grey hair (well, more than I already have). 

So after reading a super inspiring article from a writer at the Huffington Post who wrote a list of stuff she will no longer give a shit about in 2016 … I decided to do the same.

Feel free to get inspired, roll your eyes, or even add to it. I don’t care. But just like my closet, my brain needs a good spring cleaning.

So behold, the things I’m going to try my hardest to not give a shit about:

1. Caring about how many times I wear an outfit in a 2-week span (yep, because my coworkers totally keep a journal of my daily outfits)


2. Worrying about not having plans over the weekend (because there is NOTHING wrong with going to bed at 9pm on a Friday evening once in a blue moon, even though the paparazzi outside my house will absolutely write about it and make me look like SUCH a loser)


3. Trying to make sense of people who are selfish, think they are the only ones who have stress in their lives, and make you work on their schedule (unfortunately you can’t fix shitty humans just like you can’t fix stupid ones … byeeeee)


4. Being concerned that I left my hair straightener on (you didn’t … and it’s 2016, you have a hair straightener that automatically shuts off after a while … simmer)


5. Focusing on the fact that my face is broken out when I’m having a conversation with someone and all I can think while their talking is, “you’re staring at my pimple, you’re staring at my pimple.” (Hi … I’m human, nice to meet you)


6. Stressing that my life isn’t progressing like the people I follow on social media who are getting engaged, celebrating promotions, or attending awesome events (because, you know, everyone loves posting when their dog dies, how much they hate their job, or that they are having problems with their significant other)


7. Pondering if I should have a glass of wine after work even though it’s a Tuesday, and I’m trying to lose weight, but I REALLY want one… (Jesus Christ, HAVE THE GLASS OF WINE … I refuse to say “yolo” but for the love …)


8. Gaining wrinkles over the fact that I could potentially be single for the rest of my existence (or I could stay with/decide to date a complete and utter scumbag just for the sake of NOT being single … hmm decisions…)


9. Being paranoid that people think I’m a bitch. Guess what? Sometimes I am. And sometimes so are you. It happens. But overall, I like to think I’m a decent person with morals and manners (don’t let the all black wardrobe fool you). But sometimes, the bitch pants get thrown the fuck on. (Hi, again, I’m human, nice to meet you) 


10. Worrying about the plans I make and situations I have no control over. Should I go? Shouldn’t I? Why can’t it be like this? Would it be bad to cancel? Wonder if it’s super awkward? Can’t I just go to Rite Aid and buy tampons later? (SHUSH, self … JUST GO … #mantra)