The New Evil: Showering

1960-PSYCHO-001As if we don’t have enough problems in this life, war, inequality, terrorism, disease, now all of a sudden showering every day is harmful to our health? Which leads me to tilt my head and quietly exclaim, “what the fuck?!”

I’m more of a “shower the night before” type of gal. But I, for the most part, minus a few lazy moments, shower every day. And mostly because I want to. For the love of God, I take public transportation. Especially in the summer months, the first thing I crave when I get home is to wash the filth from the general population off my body. Nothing like mixing your sweat with the left over sweat from some stranger who sat in the same seat before you, am I right?!

Listen, just because some hot shot doc all of a sudden felt the need to tell the world that by showering every day we are losing important bacteria and drying out our skin doesn’t mean much to me. Why do you think Sephora sells $200 bottles of moisturizer in a thimble? Dry skin is curable, people. Very curable. There are about 1,001 solutions to dry skin. And good bacteria? Please. By “good bacteria” do you mean the strands of new viruses that are probably being organically bred on the seats, handles, and doors of all train cars? And let’s not forget the petri dish called your office.

Showering is relaxing to me. I get in, wash off the day, clear my head, get out, moisturize, and feel so fresh and so clean clean. Nothing is better. Well, not true, when I have to shave my legs, that showering experience isn’t so grand.

What is even more laughable is that the solution to only showering every three days, which apparently is the appropriate amount to shower, is wiping yourself down in areas that may start to “smell.” Umm, seriously? Am I high right now? Is this real life? Because the idea of giving myself a sponge bath in front of a perfectly fine working shower makes my head want to explode. Jesus … the effort alone.

Direct quote, dermotologists recommend you wash the “the grossest parts of your body” with a washcloth. Kindly define “grossest parts of my body,” please. Because I don’t find wiping down my lady parts, which I assume would fall under the “grossest parts” category, and most importantly during that lovely “time of the month,” with a washcloth pleasant in any sense of the word. Bring on the cleansing of “good bacteria” any day.

What I’m saying is, shame on this doctor for instilling this idiotic fear in people. We have enough shit to worry about then alone getting in our showers to remove the stank of the day. Am I right? Listen, I’m not a clean freak or a “germaphobe,” and yes I believe exposing yourself to bacteria is a good thing as it helps your immune system, but when it comes to showering … well … I’ll leave you with this:

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What I Take For Granted

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Photo credit: http://genius.com/Lupe-fiasco-philosophy-sunday-free-speech-annotated

Every night, I go to my laptop, login to my blogs “interface” (or whatever the hell you call it), and let my thoughts and opinions fly freely. I edit, hit post, and once I do that, the entire world has access to those thoughts and opinions. I doubt the whole world is reading (maybe I like to think that in my head :::hair flip:::), but still, it is there. President Obama could read it, Tina Fey could read it (OMG I would just DIE), your grandmother could read it, your dog walker could, and yeah, you get the point.

I’ve never really thought about how amazingly freeing it is to be a blogger. I don’t have a boss to turn to do rip my posts apart, I don’t have guidelines (well I do, but they are made up by yours truly, and quite frankly aren’t that rigid), and really, all I care about is staying true to my voice. I can say “fuck” as many times as I want without having to pay the FCC millions and bazillions of dollars (although my aunt does give me a harsh talking to about it, sorry Aunt Pat!). And really, the only negativity I receive are some angry emails over ripping apart topics like Ugg boots (I’m still not sorry).

I can literally say anything I want. And you know what? That fucking rules. And as a writer, a creative, a journalist in a sense, it hurts me deeply over the events that happened yesterday in Paris at Charlie Hebdo. Because those people were doing the same thing I do every day here on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, practicing their freedom of speech. Simply putting out into the world an opinion on something, and perhaps adding a little humor to a serious topic. And for that, innocent lives were taken.

I hate to get all serious and political on here, because it really isn’t my bag. But I felt it necessary to show some love for something I take for granted every single day of my life … freedom of speech. Because there are people out there that don’t have this luxury. There are people out there who spit on this luxury and want to hurt those who have it, as we saw yesterday. It’s heinous and unacceptable.

I want to give it up to all of the creatives, journalists, cartoonists, writers, designers, artists, and anyone else who fearlessly practices their right to freedom of speech every day, and I dedicate this post to you. And today, I want you all to think about how awesome it is, and how lucky we are to practice this every God damn day. I know I will.

My thoughts go out to the lovely people of Paris and the families of those who lost loved ones yesterday. And in the words of the great and powerful Tina Fey in an article with Time Magazine, ahem, “[We] cannot back down on free speech in any way. We all have to stand firm on the issue of free speech.”

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Things I Don’t Give A Shit About

big-carrie-love-mr-big-Favim.com-833741I don’t know why, but lately I feel like we (the general public), have been getting beaten with a stick filled with the same pop culture topics over and over again … that really no one should give a shit about. Every time I turn on the TV, scroll through Instagram, go on the interwebs, I’m once again beaten by the same facts over and over again which leads me to say … “I don’t give a shit! Why do you insist on telling me these meaningless things that I don’t care about. Honestly!”

I thought about it and said to myself, “self … I couldn’t possibly be the ONLY one feeling this, right?” I mean sure, breaking news Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend … fantastic. But five days later, do I REALLY still care? No. Did I ever REALLY care? Probably not. Things I don’t care about for $5,000, Alex.

Since I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed by this fact, lately, I decided to make a list of the topics I just don’t give a shit about in hopes that I will send them into the blogosphere for them to never come back. Psyche … who am I kidding, Mario Lopez is probably salivating right now waiting to blab about them tonight on EXTRA! EXTRA!

So here they are, in no particular order. Call me cynical, call me a bitch, call me rude … call me cranky (okay maybe I am, JUST a little) … but you know you KIND of want to add to this list, right? Come on. Come on. COME ON! Do it.

1. Lauren Conrad. Lauren Conrad’s wedding. Lauren Conrad’s wedding dress. Lauren Conrad’s wedding party. Unless it has to do with Lauren Conrad on the Hills not going to Paris … I don’t want to hear about it, kay?

2. George Clooney no longer being a bachelor. Get over it, no woman can even come CLOSE to competing with Amal Alamuddin. Throw in the towel gracefully, girls.

3. The iPhone 6 and the iPhone watch and everything related to the iPhone 6 and watch and all of their controversies. If I hear, “but it bends” one more time … I swear … :::shaking fist:::: iOS this.

4. Kendall Jenner getting bullied by other models at fashion week because of her “reality star status.” Really? Really? Isn’t there and Ebola epidemic happening? Just sayin’…

5. Taylor Swift trying to be a feminist. I just … no. Stop it.

6. Beyonce Photoshopping her Instagram pics and any other star Photoshopping their Instagram pics. I mean how much time DO you have on your hands to Photoshop your Instagram pics? Granted a minion is doing it for you, but still … someone has to art direct your thigh fat, am I right?

7. That freaking picture of Amal Alamuddin’s wedding dress with Oscar de la Renta in Vogue. Seriously. Byeeeeeeee.

8. Kate Middleton being preggo, yet again, and her preggo style. Nope. Yawn.

9. Any star having a wardrobe malfunction. Really? Selena Gomez’ zipper was down at the airport? Riveting, Guiliana Rancic … simply riveting.

10. Pumpkin flavored anything. My GAWD. Now it’s trendy to make fun of the “basic bitches” sipping on their pumpkin spice latte’s, but I guarantee the woman writing about these “basic bitches” and their pumpkin fetishes has a pumpkin spice candle burning next to their Mac Book Air. BOOM. I can’t wait for the first frost to kill off all this pumpkin bullshit.