Carbs and Candy and Cocktails … OH MY!

I’m in no way, shape or form model material. I may be the right height, but if I had to not eat carbs, chocolate and refrain from cocktails I would probably start foaming at the mouth and viscously attacking innocent civilians on the street. Real talk. For example, to be a model you need to have self-control whilst walking through the Halloween candy aisle at the grocery store. Me … well I find myself purchasing extra-large Reese’s in Pumpkin form because I A. love chocolate and B. love peanut butter and C. love Halloween … duh.

But I just read a very disturbing article on Refinery29.com about the crazytown things models do or get talked into doing to stay thin. Starving yourself is apparently soooo early 2000’s. Instead, this is what is en vogue … ugh:

Modeling Agents Pushing Girls to do Cocaine and Speed: What? How do these agents live with themselves? Not only are you telling girls it’s okay to do drugs for the sake of their careers, that … let’s be honest, won’t last for more than five years, unless you are the born again Kate Moss, only to turn them into washed up drug addicts. People need to understand that modeling isn’t a forever thing, but a drug problem or dying due to drugs is. #NotWorthIt

500 Calorie Plans: I know hoagies that have more than 500 calories! I really can’t comprehend, my brain just doesn’t understand. I would need to basically choose between the beer I drink and a sandwich as my “food/drink” of choice for the day … and that is it. No piece of candy to make me feel better when I’m having a shit day, no large pizza all to myself when I’m PMS. Nothing. And this is where I would go on my murderous rampage.

Eating Cotton Balls: Do people hear themselves when they say, “yeah I eat cotton balls to curb my appetite”? Is the fashion world so diluted that a statement like that actually sounds normal like, “yeah … I jogged two miles before work yesterday.” I literally would be vomming cotton everywhere. Is cotton calorie-free? I do believe sticks of gum are calorie-free too … just sayin’ … you have other options, ladies.

Getting Injections: IN-JECT-IONS! Girls, unless a man or woman who has a distinguished medical school degree is holding a needle in order to give me some sort of shot to cure me of something and or give me some sort of vaccination … then eff off. In what world is getting a shot in your THYROID to speed up your metabolism a good idea? The answer is in no world, not even in fake, made up worlds. So next time you feel the need to do this, I want you to do the following: Smack the needle out of the “doctors” hand (and I’m using quotes because it is hard to believe any respectable doctor would ACTUALLY give models shots in their thyroid to speed up their metabolisms … but that’s just me), smack the “doctor” across the face, scream, “NOT UP IN HERE!” then catwalk out of that bitch.

Everyone wants to be thin and everyone wants designer clothes …myself included. I’m one of those girls who is always asking friends and family if I look skinny. Sad but true fact about yours truly. But being able to see your bones isn’t chic. Getting shots, doing drugs and eating things that shouldn’t be eaten … isn’t chic.

You know what is chic? Being at a healthy weight. Enjoying everything in moderation. Having a little junk in your trunk. I loathe her for numerous reasons, but look at Kim Kardashian. Definitely not a stick figure, but she models and is GORG … I’ll give her that much. And if you hate Kim Kardashian and don’t want to hear this nonsense, well how about this: Marilyn Monroe. She was a size 12. Not 2. 12. Chew on that, models of America.