Makeup Is My Spirit Animal

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Photo credit: http://www.eonline.com/news/595518/jennifer-aniston-not-wearing-makeup-in-cake-was-so-dreamy-and-empowering-and-liberating

When I look at someone like Kim Kardashian, her look makes me want to take a nap. Not because it bores me or because I think it sucks, but simply because of how many man hours and people it must take to remain that perfectly flawless at all times. Jesus. Going to the gym, walking down the street, pumping her damn gas … the woman looks immaculate. Me? Well, chances are if you see me in a Wawa at any given time, I probably look like an untamed gargoyle with her hair in a bad bun (another thing I cannot do well).

I personally adore makeup. Going into Sephora is synonymous to Charlie entering that room where everything is eatable in Willy Wonka. The colors, the textures, the shiny things … it is all delicious to me. Can I apply it like a boss? Absolutely not. I have not the slightest idea of what to do with makeup, but God damn it I give it my best try every day.

Saturday Night Live

So when Jennifer Aniston comes out and makes a statement that, not wearing makeup in her new movie Cake was, “so fabulous, and so dreamy and empowering and liberating la-de-da,” I gotta say, HOGWASH, sir, HOGWASH!

Sure, not wearing makeup must be amazing for a person who has a team of people making sure your skin is as moisturized as possible and every pore is perfectly opened and cleansed. I’m sure getting facials once a week or so could make anyone not need or want to wear makeup.

For me, makeup empowers me. Of course there are days where I just throw on a foundation and Erase Paste from Benefit (literally never leave home without it, it is my makeup spirit animal) when I’m feeling lazy. But the days that I’m feeling down or not like myself, the right lipstick and the right black winged eye liner can do wonders for the soul. I’m telling you, and I know it is cliche to say, but the right dark red lip can take you from a timid mouse to a straight up street strutter.

I wouldn’t say I hide behind makeup, I would say I feel better and more confident with it on. When I wake up my face is a little too red in certain places, and I may or may not have some ridic dark circles under my eyes, and perhaps I have a drool stain traveling from the corner of my mouth all the way down to my neck (impressive right?). So yeah, jazzing myself up with a little makeup, not Kardashian-style airbrushed to perfection makeup, but a little bronzer here and a little blush there to make myself look less like the hard sleeper I am, then so be it.

So while I appreciate Jennifer Aniston trying to make it okay for women to go au natural, because it is important to love the true you, I kind of want to hear from someone who doesn’t have endless amounts of money and teams of people making sure your skin is as flawless as possible without a drop of makeup. Because even without makeup on (which, come on, bitch DEFINITELY has some primer on or something), she looks amazing. If I woke up looking like that, I would hands down let the public see my face sans makeup. But alas I do not have a team of skincare professionals watching every inch of my epidermis.

Makeup is there to accent the amazing features you already have, and personally I think it has the ability to help women find their inner warrior queen. I’m not saying you need to wear it every second of the day, a la Kim K. Because the minute I get home it is OFF. Again, running to Wawa equals me looking like a proud hot mess and I ALWAYS end up running into someone I know. “Oh hey … YOU! Yeah, I’m not feeling great, that’s why … I look … like this … and have 10 bags of Doritos in my hand. Gotta go BYE! :::runs away frantically:::”

Wear makeup to give yourself that extra pep in your step. And if you don’t know what that is, there are some talented folks that work at numerous makeup counters (I personally fancy the ones at Nordstrom the best … just a little tip from me to you), that can help.

Sigh … I’m A Makeup Snob.

Chanel-Makeup It’s true.

I was running late, per usual, rummaging through my makeup drawer, desperately looking for my MAC bronzer, about to throw a fit when I realized, holy hell, everything in my makeup drawer, besides one awful Revlon Very Red lipstick mistake, was all designer makeup. What had become of me?!

We may be living in a material world, but I am certainly NOT a material girl. I’m more of a whatever looks good and makes me feel good, kind of gal, no matter if it comes from Walmart of Barneys. I don’t discriminate. I was brought up to embrace and run wild with personal style and not bow down to all-mighty labels … even though you may find me drooling over them here and there. I get more excited over a good deal then exercising my credit card, but hey, that’s just me. Okay maybe I have a few designer pieces in my closet, but all of them I covet simply because I scored them for a ridiculous deal.

So realizing my makeup drawer was swimming in designer makeup was a bit unnerving to me. Like why? It was only :::mumbles::: year’s ago that I was a broke college student digging through the clearance makeup section at Target praying that I could find a decent foundation that, somewhat, matches my skin tone. And now I like ball out at Sephora.

Yes, I have a big girl job, and I have HAD a big girl job for :::mumbles::: years now, but I also have big girl bills. And clearly grown into big girl tastes for makeup. But my question is, why? I think it is because some glamazon who works behind a makeup counter knows the right tricks to make me look and feel fantastic. It puts me in a trance and then all of a sudden I’m out $100.

Sephora, Ulta, and department stores are the modern day woman’s candy store. The pops of branding, the colors, the deliciousness of the packaging. Just as I once ran to the candy store to lift my mood, I now wander through the aisles of Sephora until something shiny catches my eye. Do I need it? Absolutely not. But my bad mood CRAVES it.

“Generic” brands like Rimmel, Revlon and Covergirl spend MILLIONS getting these actresses to sponsor their makeup. But I always wonder, does Kate Moss REALLY get the London look. Is Katy Perry REALLY easy and breezy? My gut is telling me no because why would they buy makeup that is sometimes next to BenGay, Advil and Cheetos when you can frolic in the land of pure beauty with people who can put the right kinds of makeup on their skin so they can look their part. And let’s be honest, they can afford it.

The only time I buy makeup at the drug store is if I’m desperate, sick and indulging in impulse shopping as I wait for my prescription to be ready, or if I read online that something got an amazing review. But a part of me wonders if I’m just getting blinded by fancy names, beauteous colors and shiny packaging, when I could be saving some cash and getting the same bang for my buck at the drug store.

Ponder THAT, my friends … ponder THAT.

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Things I Don’t Have The Balls To Do

Screen shot 2013-01-10 at 10.09.32 PMIt has taken me a long time to turn into the person I am today. There was a time where I barely spoke, let alone have the nerve to write a blog post with the word “balls” in it (sorry family). I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m like kind of okay with pushing boundaries … kind of. But there is one thing I still just CANNOT do …

… and that is walk out of my house without a drop of makeup on. 

I know, I know … what the HELL is wrong with me, right? I thought, maybe I should go to a therapist, figure out what the core of this issue is. Perhaps I secretly hate myself? Maybe it stems from years of repressed teenage rage? Or is it that I’ve come to find makeup as the mask I use to hide behind society and all of its pure evils!

Nope … here is what’s up. A. I love makeup. I love the way it looks, feels, smells … I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT :::kicks legs up in the air::: And B. I look a hot mess without it. For serious. I’m not one of those girls that walks out of the shower all dewy (ps. I loathe that word, why did I just use it) and fresh, ready to take on the world. Oh hell no. Those Neutrogena commercials are bullshit. My skin, pre-airbrushed, ain’t perfect, to say the least. Blotchy spots, blemishes, and dry skin for days. Woof.

Yes, moisturizer is my bestie. But even if I lather on the cream, it still doesn’t make me instantaneously human being-friendly. My skin may be hydrated, but the blotchy, blemish bullshit is still very much present. Only now my skin looks super glossy … ick … sick, not sexy.

But there are a few instances where you will see me leave my house sans makeup:

1. If I’m Legit Sick (like I was this week): I could care less if my face makes you want to run in a cave and hide for the rest of your life. I honestly feel bad for my doctor and the people I come across in his office, because that man only sees me when I’m like a stage 5 hot mess. I’m like the Queen of all hot messes out there. But you know what, I could care less. When I’m that sick, a parade of ex-boyfriends could strut through his office and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I’m lucky if I’m not drooling on myself at that point.

2. If I’m Super Glow-Fab Tan: Perfectly sun-kissed skin doesn’t need makeup. Maybe a pop of mascara, but besides that … I’m going to rock out with the free bronzer, yo.

3. If There Is An Emergency: If someone is in the hospital, if someone needs my help, if on the face scale of pain you say you are at a 10 where the smiley face doesn’t even look like a smiley face anymore because it is wincing so badly … yes, I will drop everything, including my makeup bag, and run to you.

4. From The Shower To My Makeup Table: I’ll be makeup-free in that like five-minute window, so if you are that desperate to see me without … try to catch me then.

5. When I Sleep: I don’t sleep with makeup on … soberly. I believe it speeds up the aging process and I’m trying to look like I’m in my 20’s forevah-evah. So I am very diligent about removing it before bedtime and applying expensive anti-aging (it’s best to start now) … unless I’m drunk. You have a better chance of seeing me make out with Justin Timberlake than me actually taking off my makeup before bed whilst under the influence of vodka. Either way, I’m waking up looking a hot mess.

So there you have it. I am confident enough to admit that makeup for me is a comfort blanket of some sort. Without it I absolutely feel naked, and even worse, I have less swagger, if you will.

At the end of the day, we want to give into trends and all this ridiculously expensive beauty nonsense to make our swagger that much stronger. A good bag of makeup that makes your feel beautiful has the power to change your whole day. And a good day can change your whole world … trust me, that’s all it takes.