OMG … HE WENT TO JARED!

And there they are, the seven most horrifying words ever spoken … well … five if you are one of those fools who considers “OMG” a word.

Let me preface this by saying I’m obsessed with Christmas, in the words of Elf, “it’s my favorite.” But holiday jewelry commercials. Dear. God. It is almost as bad as when those  ”In the Arms of an Angel,” abused dog with one eye commercial comes on … I’m literally willing to hurt myself to get to my remote in time to change the channel. Yes, they are that bad. That awkward little girl with the braces texting being all like, “he TOTALLY went to Jared.” ICK, what the hell does a tween known about diamonds! “What’s a 13 letter word for proposal? He … went … to … JARED!” What’s a 13 letter word for, I would rather break my ankle in two places than listen to this nonsense any more?

The commercial that is bothering me the most right now, though is the one for Vera Wang’s LOVE collection for Zales. Let me break this down for you. Okay so this model looking girl who looks like she MAYBE just stepped out of her teenage years gets out of this vintage BMW convertible (I could be wrong, I know as much about cars as I do about sports … aka I think you should yell GOOOAAALLLL when a team gets a field goal). Anyways she runs to the doors of her ridiculously modern mansion (what?) as this guy, who looks like he fell out of GQ Magazine, opens the trunk of his vintage something or other convertible and pulls out this to die for rock from his leather Burberry luggage (I know Burberry luggage but I don’t know a touchdown from a home run, yep that is me).

The model-ly broad then opens the doors of the mansion to find rose petals sprinkled all through the house and acts like it is an everyday occurrence. She flutters along following them and onto the, oh that’s right, of course the mansion is beach front, duh which mansion isn’t, only to end with “Will You Marry Me?” written in the sand, as the hot model man and his chiseled facial features hands her this beautiful diamond whilst doing blue steel. At this point she just looks like, “oh, a proposal, for me? Cool.” in such a hipster-esque, model, lacking emotion way. Me, I would have been thinking, “Holy … shit ” in my head whilst losing control over not crying and blacking out … all at the same time. They then share the most disgustingly rehearsed, perfect, slow motion kiss as the sun is setting behind them.

Now for my real question … HOW IS THIS REALITY, VERA WANG?! No one can relate to this nonsense … no one. Okay maybe SOMEONE could, but seriously, no one in MY world could, and it really makes me not want your stupid diamonds. Not that I’m in the market for diamonds, but if I was … I wouldn’t want them. I don’t want to be sold a lie. Perhaps if you used a chick that wasn’t so vanilla and had a bit of “normal girl pizzazz” to her and replaced Zoolander model man with a normal, average joe and have them drive a 1992 Pontiac Sunbird (shout out to my 1st car). And when he got out of the car to open her door, like a gent, he got down on one knee instead and pulled a ring from his ripped jean pocket while his hand shook just a little. She then gasps and starts smiling, crying and laughing all at the same time like a hot, nervous mess as a line of mascara runs down her face while she says, “oh my God, yes,” clasping her hands over her mouth in excitement. Will she remember this moment? No! Absolutely not, I hear you black out during moments like these. So at the end when she is sitting in his lap in the middle of the dirty street she will ask, “Did I say yes?” BOOM. Welcome to real life Vera Wang. Maybe this would be the commercial if like Betsy Johnson made a line of diamonds …

Real life isn’t always cute little sun dresses and crisp white polo shirts and beautiful, flawless long flowing hair, and ridiculously modern beach front properties. It is not scripted, it is dirty, it is raw, it is unexpected, it is a hot mess at times, but all of those things are beautiful … and THAT my friend, even though it may not compliment a diamond … is the God honest truth.

I get it Vera, you are a females fantasy when it comes to weddings. You were kind enough to realize a lot of women who die for your dresses cannot afford them, so you made a line at David’s Bridal, sweet. You did a line at Kohl’s for the average Josephine, aw, you shouldn’t have. And now, a line of diamonds at Zales with a campaign around it that doesn’t relate to the “average Joe.” In fact you might be pissing him off. The sad thing is the LOVE collection at Zales is pretty affordable, but you would never know by that commercial.

I was going to discuss Jared a bit more, but I don’t think I have it in me …