Bathing Suits And Laying On Rocks

Gisele-Bündchen-HM-2014I am absolutely a realist. Give it to me real. Give it to me straight. So you can imagine how taken back I was when I saw H&M’s new commercial with Gisele Bundchen singing “Heart of Glass” in a string bikini, right?

I heard rumors that she was staring in their new campaign. I even heard she recorded her own version of Blondie’s renowned “Heart of Glass.” And you know what? I tipped my cap to her. I most definitely would NEVER have the balls to make my own version of such an epic song … and that takes BALLS. We are talkin’ Blondie here. It was something courageous and admirable, especially coming from an international super model.

:::Sigh::: and then I see the commercial. What the HELL, people? Her voice isn’t bad … auto tuned to death … but overall not bad. Definitely better than any reality star that has dropped a single, I’ll give her that (hello “Money can’t buy you class”). But what is with the fashion industry thinking women will buy bathing suits if they see stick figure super models with sick bodies just straight chillin’ on a rock with splashing waves behind them.

Seriously … no real woman wants to see that shit. None. Ever. Never ever. When was the last time you were at the beach and said, “hmm … you know what? I’m going to go sunbath on that rock over there with the rough surf surrounding it. I’ll catch you guys in a few.” WHAT?! Seriously. First of all, how uncomfortable could you be? Rocks aren’t comfortable last time I checked. Rocks bruise humans and leave scratches and weird marks. And knowing my luck, I would probably end up with a rock up my ass or some sea creature crawling on me, leading me to freak out, make some quick awkward motions and leaving me with a chipped tooth or unconscious on said rock, or something.

You know what else, when was the last time you were sunbathing, in a string bikini mind you, and said … “hmm, I’m going to lay on my side.” MOST. UNFLATTERING. POSITION. EVER. See below … have you ever done this, hmm? Does this look comfortable and relaxing to you? It looks like something that would induce an anxiety attack to me, personally … because everything just … you know … rolls to the side. Everything. Just sayin’ …
You know what I’m doing when I’m wearing a bikini? Sucking in my stomach slash thinking about my fat rolls … what they are doing, if they are visible, and when and if I should put my mumu back on. Yep. That’s what’s up. I realize if you aren’t comfortable with your body, you should maybe find a suit you are more comfortable in, yeah yeah … blah blah blah … but bathing suits are awkward. They leave little or nothing to the imagination. You mine as well be walking down Broad Street in your bra and panties. For the life of me I have no idea why the sight of “water” makes it all of a suddenly okay to be half naked in front of total strangers. It’s weird, right? Listen, the only way you could get me in a position like the one above on a beach is if Photoshop glasses existed and everyone was wearing them.

So my point is whilst selling bathing suits … keep it real, for the love of God. Because when I’m sitting on my couch eating party mix, sucking down a Diet Coke wearing ratty ol’ PJs with my cat and all of a sudden Gisele in a bikini straight chillin’ on some rocks appears on my TV … yeah that doesn’t exactly make me want to hop in my car and head straight to H&M. It makes me eat more party mix … and maybe invest in another mumu or two … or five.

Versace For H&M Tomorrow … Now GET OOOUUUTTT!

Sigh. Versace for H&M tomorrow. Woo hoo? Sorry, I forgot to purchase my champagne to pop and streamers for the joyous event. I apologize if I seem less than excited for the unveiling of the collection in all H&M stores tomorrow. I really wish I could get excited enough to take a PTO day to wait outside of H&M and jump up and down as I see the overwhelmed store manager come to the door to unlock my Versace dreams, but I just can’t get behind it.

I love Versace, I love Donatella … and I might just love Maya Rudolph’s impression of her even more, “you bitch.” I was in Miami when Gianni got murdered, I may have been like eight years old, but I was there dammit. I feel a connection to the brand, in fact our love recently got re-ignited when Gaga rocked it in her video for Edge of Glory.

Here’s what it is. I’m obsessed with the advertising for Versace at H&M. It is so innovative and actually gets me excited to see the collection up close and personal. From the creepy doll house music and Donatella-esque models roaming about as the real Donatella controls them to the styling. Genius, pure genius. Even the website … I’m obsessed.

But here is what bothers me. Everything I want, including this FANTASTIC belt that defines Versace and is very reminiscent of what Gaga rocked, is listed on the website as being in “select stores,” with no price. What does that mean? I thought Versace was doing a line for H&M so it could be obtainable for the entire general population who cannot afford to make a reservation at an actual Versace boutique, no? And there it is, the one thing I would consider purchasing and it probably is extremely expensive, for H&M that is, and quite limited apparently. Why don’t I just throw in the towel and go find myself a REAL Versace belt, because I bet I can find it in any high-end boutique or department store WITH a price listed. Oh that’s right, I’m not bleeding money.

I’ve just become completely anti-designers doing collections for stores like H&M, Target, Macy’s and so on. Like I said with the Missoni line for Target, a piece from Versace, real Versace, should be a thing you work your ass off to get. Something you strive for, not something you have to smack a bitch to get in an H&M aisle. It is sweet that these designers want everyone to be able to indulge in their fashions, it really is and I commend them for that.

Call me crazy but when I get my first piece of Versace, I don’t want to purchase it with crazy town women fighting over sizes and running around H&M while rioting like it is the end of the world, only to hike the price up ridiculously high and sell it on Ebay, gross. I don’t want to have to wear battle gear and be prepared to elbow women to get exactly what I was looking for. I don’t want to potentially walk out of H&M with claw marks up and down my person as I hold my H&M back as tight as I can, praying to Jesus I don’t get mugged by a Versace thirsty fashion fiend.

What I want is to make a reservation at a Versace boutique and have an extremely snobby Versace bitch serve me champagne and strawberries as she judges me under her breath. I want said snobby Versace bitch to bring out each piece from the collection one by one as I sit in a gold studded white leather chair, observing quietly, considering what I should try on. Call me crazy, but this is what I imagine a proper Versace experience to be like. A girl can dream, can’t she?

If you are going to H&M tomorrow, God speed, I would probably arm yourself with pepper spray or something. I have a feeling that scene isn’t going to be pretty.