Don’t Wear Um If You Can’t Rock Um

photo-1Yep … :::sigh::: that little girl to the left? That’s me. Let me tell you that I’ve tried numerous times to burn this picture. My family has been obsessed with it … so much that my brother thought it would be funny to blow it up and put it on the side of my house during my high school graduation party … so he did. Good times …

But after watching the Golden Globes last night and having to witness Lena Dunham awkwardly stumble to the stage to accept her awards, I decided I had to share this photo with you and tell you a little story called … I’ve been walking in heels since I was 3 … literally, as you can see. And not because my mom was a crazytown stage mom. Nope … this was self-inflicted. ¬†I literally lived in heels until like age 5.

Right, so Lena, darling … just because you have a fab TV show that everyone is obsessed with (myself not included) and have become God’s gift to hipsters all over the world and you probably were and are worth a million bazillion dollars … DOESN’T mean you have to rock 6 inch Louboutin’s. Seriously. Sure, they are fun, pretty, and a “symbol of status.” But what is the point if you can’t strut your stuff properly?

I realize everyone is crying like, “waaa leave poor Lena alone, she was wearing beastly Loubs … you try walking in them waaaa!” But seriously, why didn’t her “people” hire her someone to teach her how to strut in these bad ass shoes? Because if you are going to rock Loubs … you ROCK Loubs, for the love of God.

At the end of the day, wearing high heels and walking in them … not an easy task. But we as ladies do it because they are fun, gorgeous, sexy, and a staple in every woman’s closet. But if you can’t walk in them, pick a different pair. I think Christian Louboutin makes a smaller heel size than 6 inches, right? There is nothing more uncomfortable in life than witnessing a woman wearing a fantastic pair of heels and disgracing them by walking like an idiot.

And for ladies … and Lena … that have a hard time walking in heels, here is my shoe strutting advice:

1. Take your time, there is never a fire whilst walking in heels … never

2. Picture Naomi Campbell or your favorite super model when you walk

3. Heel, toe, heel, toe … it is not a myth

4. Know the difference between “sitting shoes” and “walking shoes” … if you don’t know the difference, you should probably nix the heels completely

5. When you buy new heels, wear them around your house, rock them when you cook, clean … break. them. in. (Lena Dunham should have been doing this for weeks before the Golden Globes)

6. Practice makes perfect. If you have an event to go to and you never wear heels … and decide to indulge in your dream pair of heels to rock … don’t, unless you are willing to put the hours of walking practice in. Otherwise … guaranteed, you will make an ass of yourself.

So there ya have it. I still walk like an asshole in high heels when they aren’t broken in ¬†properly … we all do. But I’m sorry, there just is no excuse when you are at the Golden Globes. None. Like not even a little. I’m glad you have your hipster army defending you but … for shame.

Could You Do Without High Heels?

Okay, so when I was little, I’m talking like three or four, all I did was wear high heels … well, my mom’s high heels, my sister’s, my aunt’s, my cousin’s, etc. They were 15 sizes too big, but I loved them and called the my “sippy shoes.” Why? Well, I have no idea. I would just shuffle to and fro where ever I went. I remember this fabulous pair of sparkly silver sling backs that I think my great aunt gave me, who was once a Rockette. I would kill to still have them, but I think I wore them down to the core. Of course my mom got me those Disney plastic pink heels for little girls, but I was more fascinated with the real thing. I’ve been told that when we would go visit people, no matter who it was, I would immediately ask for a pair of high heels to wear. This is one of the few stories from my childhood that I don’t cringe at.

And then up until, oh I don’t know, three years ago, I never wore heels. I loved them, I freaking coveted them. But I let my insecurities and height issues get in the way. Now I have an obsessive love affair with high heels. I’m living out my “sippy shoe” fantasy that I had when I was four. I’m now to the point that if I’m not wearing heels, I feel weird and short … something I never thought I would EVER feel. Wearing flats makes me feel dumpy or boring, a strange sensation since I lived in flats most of my adolescent life. I find myself shuffling along in flats but when I wear heels I rock this insane sense of confidence.

But I hear all of these horror stories from mature women who have walked a mile or two in thousands of pairs of heels that have told me how mangled their feet are from them. Even my own mother, who would kill to rock four-inch stilettos, just can’t do it anymore because of the damage she has done to her tootsies. This made me think that yes, living in the moment and slipping on my four-inch stiletto over the knee leather boots day after day means nothing to me now … but what will it mean in 40 years if I keep up this behavior?

I just read a report from the New York Times that basically said women who wear heels are more susceptible to injury and strain than woman who rock flats. Well, duh. We are also more susceptible to bunions and calluses and gargoyle feet … but try telling yourself that when a pair of gorgeous Loubs are starring you straight in the face. Wearing five-inch stilettos absolutely is not the smartest thing to do, I don’t care if you are 5 foot nothing. They are insanely difficult to walk in and absolutely cause you to strain in certain areas which may cause injury. Hell, I wear three and four-inch heels and find myself straining … not to mention falling and God only knows what else.

I’m going to throw it out there. After rocking stilettos all day, every woman knows that throbbing feeling your feet get when you take them off … and if that isn’t a sign that you are doing some major damage to your feet, then well, you are a freaking idiot and deserve to wear ugly flats for the rest of your life. I’ll give it to these researchers though, they are no fools. They know women will NEVER stop wearing heels … ever. As long as Louboutin and Jimmy Choo still exist … they will strain the shit out of their feet. But they do say to try and relax your feet as much as you can, perhaps while driving and or sitting at your desk. I could absolutely keep a pair of slippers underneath my desk to “relax.” This is the best idea ever.

I recently purchased the highest pair of shoes I’ve ever owned, like four and 1/2 inches with a sick platform (they are to die for), and literally walked from my car to the office and had to remove them because my feet couldn’t take it. I’ve been actively rocking heels for the past three years, I’m 25, and unfortunately I can already see my feet changing … for the worst. But apart of me is still that four-year old girl who is fascinated by my “sippy shoes.”

But like the Times article said, heels will look just as fabulous sitting next to you as you rest your feet. But then again, women are women … and after decades and decades of high heels, I don’t care what kind of study comes out, we ain’t givin’ up on them.