Heat On The Street Is Making Me Delusional

heatwave

Photo credit: http://www.unbrelievable.com/little-fille

I feel like I end up writing about this every summer, but I can’t help it. The heat is too much. And I know, I know … I was the queen of bitching about the polar vortex this past winter, but my lesson has been learned. At least I don’t want to pass out trekking through a blizzard, am I right? But you know how it goes, the grass is always greener … blah blah blah.

With that being said, I’ve found myself wanting to do/doing some really awkward things due to the heat. Call it heat stroke, call it not giving an eff … who knows. But I felt the need to share as I’m sure we are all in the same boat if you are suffering through this heatwave in the city like me … ahem:

1. Dressing like Kim Kardashian: Seriously. I was on the train this morning and I looked down at my outfit and thought to myself, “OMG I’ve watched so many Kardashian’s marathons that I’m turning in to them.” Well that isn’t exactly the case (at least I hope not). But I am rocking a high waisted pencil skirt and tank, much like this … but less skin (don’t want to become the office ho), of course … and not in Paris … on Patco. And not in couture … in discount. And proud of it!

kim-kardashian-wedding-hairstyle-w540

2. Sweating all over my tote: Do I need to go into more detail here? I just would rather not. But my tote … my poor, poor tote.

3. Pencil dive: I would love nothing more than to dive into a pool in all of my clothes and then continue on with my day. Black eye liner running down my face and all.

4. Get naked: Not really … I’ll never be THAT hot. But I’ve been trying the extremely hard task of dressing by wearing the least amount of clothing possible. And FYI, maxi skirts don’t breathe.

5. Take a breather: In the subway station. And yes, there are no chairs, but the idea of sliding on the disgusting, disease ridden, yet cool walls all the way down to the disgusting, disease ridden ground sounds glorious.

6. Walk slow, homie: I’m a notoriously fast walker. I want to get from A to B as quickly as possibly and if you get in my way, I will call you a “douche clown” in my head. But in this head, honey I stroll. Which sucks because I have to leave my house earlier than usually to make my train.

7. Try really hard not to stink: I started to notice around 1pm that I stink. I’m that guy stinkin’ up the joint. Some deodorant brands claim they last all day … well no. When it is hot as hell and you’re a commuter, it sadly does not. So hell yes I have “desk deodorant”. Every woman needs one. Don’t be the stinky employee in the building. Don’t be that guy.

8. Not drinking my Starbucks: I’m obsessed with the lemonade black tea combo not sweetened. It’s insanely refreshing. But lately, I’ve just wanted to pour it over my head rather than drink it. Sure flys would attack me, and I would be a hot mess for the rest of the day, but it just seems so delightful, doesn’t it?

9. Get hooked up to an IV: Of water that is. Why isn’t this a thing? How much quicker would it be to get hydrated if you could just get hooked up to an IV of water and call it a day. Running to the water cooler, and the bathroom, gets exhausting. #LazyAndDehydrated #SmallBladder

10. Buy a Parasol: I’ve seen these women walking around the city with umbrellas open when it is perfectly sunny. Secretly I was like, “What up Michael Jackson,” but then I realized they were genius. Umbrellas block out the sun, dumbass. Seriously, the top of my head feels like it is on fire when I’m in the sun. Not good for the hair coloring business, let me tell you.

Mary-Poppins-mary-poppins-16367363-1280-948

All joking aside, be safe in this heat! Take your time, wear light and breezy clothes … and for the LOVE of GOD … hydrate!

True Story: We Don’t Glisten, We Sweat

55e61724cfcf31dbb7e8e9ec8f4308f2So this is my 3rd year in a row writing about how to survive a heat wave¬†and look chic doing so. And honestly … this year is by far the worst. In fact I was looking back at previous heat wave-related blog posts that I’ve written, laughed, and called myself a wuss.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what you do … unless you are blessed enough to go from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place … you are inevitably going to look a hot mess during a heat wave, especially one like this.

And because of that fact, I really … REALLY want to kick the girls I see on the train who look refreshed, composed, and put together, because there I am: Sweaty, disheveled, trying to cover up the fact that I’m so out of breath I could die, casually wiping the sweat from my brow, and making sure my hair hasn’t turned into an afro … and then realizing it has and desperately trying to flatten it out. I swear I’m a TRIP to sit next to on the train.

So instead of telling you, “O-M-G LADIES … there is this FAB anti-humidity hairspray that will make your hair not move and you will look INSANELY AMAZEBALLS all day,” I’m going to be real with you. Because when it is 100 plus degrees outside, the only thing I want to know is that there are ladies dealing with the same awful shit that I am, and are not indeed calm, cool, crisp, and collected.

So behold, things I loathe due to heatwaves:

Doing my hair: Why? Humidity is going to make my hair its bitch the minute I step outside to walk to the train, so why should I take the time to put product in it, straight it, and smooth it out. Honestly, I leave my house saying, ” oh yeah, I look good,” only to get to work crying, “why, lord, why” … as I try to make sense of my newly acquired frizz disaster area.

Wearing pants: To hell with them. They are so restrictive and uncomfortable. A pair of jeans hasn’t touched my ass since early June, and I don’t fore see that changing any time soon. By the time I’m walking home from the train I just want to rip them off and run home in my skivvies. Some call that cray … I call it freedom.

Applying makeup: I literally just went to Nordstrom, went up to the Bobbi Brown, my all time fav,¬†counter and said, “make me less shiny.” She then went on to tell me I have rosacea, to which I said, “no no, sweetheart, I’m sweating because I was just shopping in Forever 21 for the past hour.” She apologized immediately. So she gave me some great products, but when you sweat you sweat … and sometimes nothing can take the shine away. I consistently feel sweaty, sticky … like my pores are about to walk themselves to go get a facial. Hell … I might apply my makeup perfectly and go sit in an air-conditioned room, just for funsies.

Running out of dresses: And when you don’t want to wear pants, you turn to dresses … and a dress supply only runs so deep. So I’ve been tasked with getting creative … and literally I’ve gotten to the point where I’m questioning if I look like a skank when I go to work. But it’s too hot to even care. I’m just assuming people will be suffering from heat exhaustion and won’t care.

Accessorizing: I love me some statement necklaces, bangles, cuffs, etc. I love mixing and matching them with different outfits. I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT! But today, for example, the outfit I’m wearing is crying out to be accessorized, but I literally bid my jewels adieu today and went for the all-natural look. Yep. Can’t do it. When I started to sweat under my cuff is when I threw in the towel. Woof.

So there you have it! I’m not going to be one of those people and say, “GOD I can’t wait for winter,” but I REALLY want to. So if you find yourself sweating your face off, miserable next to a girl who is perfectly perfect … know you aren’t alone, sister … and sometimes mister.