Heat On The Street Is Making Me Delusional

heatwave

Photo credit: http://www.unbrelievable.com/little-fille

I feel like I end up writing about this every summer, but I can’t help it. The heat is too much. And I know, I know … I was the queen of bitching about the polar vortex this past winter, but my lesson has been learned. At least I don’t want to pass out trekking through a blizzard, am I right? But you know how it goes, the grass is always greener … blah blah blah.

With that being said, I’ve found myself wanting to do/doing some really awkward things due to the heat. Call it heat stroke, call it not giving an eff … who knows. But I felt the need to share as I’m sure we are all in the same boat if you are suffering through this heatwave in the city like me … ahem:

1. Dressing like Kim Kardashian: Seriously. I was on the train this morning and I looked down at my outfit and thought to myself, “OMG I’ve watched so many Kardashian’s marathons that I’m turning in to them.” Well that isn’t exactly the case (at least I hope not). But I am rocking a high waisted pencil skirt and tank, much like this … but less skin (don’t want to become the office ho), of course … and not in Paris … on Patco. And not in couture … in discount. And proud of it!

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2. Sweating all over my tote: Do I need to go into more detail here? I just would rather not. But my tote … my poor, poor tote.

3. Pencil dive: I would love nothing more than to dive into a pool in all of my clothes and then continue on with my day. Black eye liner running down my face and all.

4. Get naked: Not really … I’ll never be THAT hot. But I’ve been trying the extremely hard task of dressing by wearing the least amount of clothing possible. And FYI, maxi skirts don’t breathe.

5. Take a breather: In the subway station. And yes, there are no chairs, but the idea of sliding on the disgusting, disease ridden, yet cool walls all the way down to the disgusting, disease ridden ground sounds glorious.

6. Walk slow, homie: I’m a notoriously fast walker. I want to get from A to B as quickly as possibly and if you get in my way, I will call you a “douche clown” in my head. But in this head, honey I stroll. Which sucks because I have to leave my house earlier than usually to make my train.

7. Try really hard not to stink: I started to notice around 1pm that I stink. I’m that guy stinkin’ up the joint. Some deodorant brands claim they last all day … well no. When it is hot as hell and you’re a commuter, it sadly does not. So hell yes I have “desk deodorant”. Every woman needs one. Don’t be the stinky employee in the building. Don’t be that guy.

8. Not drinking my Starbucks: I’m obsessed with the lemonade black tea combo not sweetened. It’s insanely refreshing. But lately, I’ve just wanted to pour it over my head rather than drink it. Sure flys would attack me, and I would be a hot mess for the rest of the day, but it just seems so delightful, doesn’t it?

9. Get hooked up to an IV: Of water that is. Why isn’t this a thing? How much quicker would it be to get hydrated if you could just get hooked up to an IV of water and call it a day. Running to the water cooler, and the bathroom, gets exhausting. #LazyAndDehydrated #SmallBladder

10. Buy a Parasol: I’ve seen these women walking around the city with umbrellas open when it is perfectly sunny. Secretly I was like, “What up Michael Jackson,” but then I realized they were genius. Umbrellas block out the sun, dumbass. Seriously, the top of my head feels like it is on fire when I’m in the sun. Not good for the hair coloring business, let me tell you.

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All joking aside, be safe in this heat! Take your time, wear light and breezy clothes … and for the LOVE of GOD … hydrate!

True Story: We Don’t Glisten, We Sweat

55e61724cfcf31dbb7e8e9ec8f4308f2So this is my 3rd year in a row writing about how to survive a heat wave and look chic doing so. And honestly … this year is by far the worst. In fact I was looking back at previous heat wave-related blog posts that I’ve written, laughed, and called myself a wuss.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what you do … unless you are blessed enough to go from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place … you are inevitably going to look a hot mess during a heat wave, especially one like this.

And because of that fact, I really … REALLY want to kick the girls I see on the train who look refreshed, composed, and put together, because there I am: Sweaty, disheveled, trying to cover up the fact that I’m so out of breath I could die, casually wiping the sweat from my brow, and making sure my hair hasn’t turned into an afro … and then realizing it has and desperately trying to flatten it out. I swear I’m a TRIP to sit next to on the train.

So instead of telling you, “O-M-G LADIES … there is this FAB anti-humidity hairspray that will make your hair not move and you will look INSANELY AMAZEBALLS all day,” I’m going to be real with you. Because when it is 100 plus degrees outside, the only thing I want to know is that there are ladies dealing with the same awful shit that I am, and are not indeed calm, cool, crisp, and collected.

So behold, things I loathe due to heatwaves:

Doing my hair: Why? Humidity is going to make my hair its bitch the minute I step outside to walk to the train, so why should I take the time to put product in it, straight it, and smooth it out. Honestly, I leave my house saying, ” oh yeah, I look good,” only to get to work crying, “why, lord, why” … as I try to make sense of my newly acquired frizz disaster area.

Wearing pants: To hell with them. They are so restrictive and uncomfortable. A pair of jeans hasn’t touched my ass since early June, and I don’t fore see that changing any time soon. By the time I’m walking home from the train I just want to rip them off and run home in my skivvies. Some call that cray … I call it freedom.

Applying makeup: I literally just went to Nordstrom, went up to the Bobbi Brown, my all time fav, counter and said, “make me less shiny.” She then went on to tell me I have rosacea, to which I said, “no no, sweetheart, I’m sweating because I was just shopping in Forever 21 for the past hour.” She apologized immediately. So she gave me some great products, but when you sweat you sweat … and sometimes nothing can take the shine away. I consistently feel sweaty, sticky … like my pores are about to walk themselves to go get a facial. Hell … I might apply my makeup perfectly and go sit in an air-conditioned room, just for funsies.

Running out of dresses: And when you don’t want to wear pants, you turn to dresses … and a dress supply only runs so deep. So I’ve been tasked with getting creative … and literally I’ve gotten to the point where I’m questioning if I look like a skank when I go to work. But it’s too hot to even care. I’m just assuming people will be suffering from heat exhaustion and won’t care.

Accessorizing: I love me some statement necklaces, bangles, cuffs, etc. I love mixing and matching them with different outfits. I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT! But today, for example, the outfit I’m wearing is crying out to be accessorized, but I literally bid my jewels adieu today and went for the all-natural look. Yep. Can’t do it. When I started to sweat under my cuff is when I threw in the towel. Woof.

So there you have it! I’m not going to be one of those people and say, “GOD I can’t wait for winter,” but I REALLY want to. So if you find yourself sweating your face off, miserable next to a girl who is perfectly perfect … know you aren’t alone, sister … and sometimes mister.

Too Hot To Trot … Seriously.

Yeah … no, your eyes aren’t fooling you. I am totally repurposing a post from last summer during another heat wave … but quite frankly this one is MUCH worse so I only found it appropriate to re-emphasize some tips on how to survive said heat wave. I mean according to my car thermostat, it was 102 degrees at noon … NOON!

So I’m kicking it indoors all day with sweet, sweet air conditioning … and a fan … and a cool, refreshing beverage (non-alcoholic … for now), in a maxi dress with my long hair in a ridiculous bun on the top of my head. I suggest you all do the same. Be safe, stay cool … keep your pets indoors, for the love … and honestly, the people I see being active outdoors today well, I want to trip. What are you trying to prove … seriously? We get it … you’re fit, but my God … no need to kill yourself in the heat trying to show it off.

And now for the classic tips on how to stay chic and cool during an insane heat wave:

Who Wears Short Shorts?: A lot of dress codes aren’t down with shorts, but hopefully your dress code melts a little along with everything else in this heat. Shorts on me personally do not work because I am 5’9 and everything tends to look shorter on me than they actually are, so I would be bordering Hookerville if I wore these in my office. And I would most certainly avoid jean shorts for fear of a “Britney” moment … wait … not THAT kind of “Britney” moment … but a “Britney” moment when she was married to K-Fed and only wore beaters, jean shorts with the pockets hanging out, and trucker hats … ick. City shorts are fantastic as they are office friendly, a bit on the longer side, and completely flattering and chic paired with a the right tank. Jazz it up with some statement jewelry and a pair of fierce wedges and you, my friend, will most definitely not be sent home with a dress code violation.

Maxi Everything: I never thought I could love something more than my maxi dress, until I met the maxi skirt. Both are MUST HAVE staples, especially in a heat wave. They are simple, they breathe, they are ultimately chic, and did I mention they literally take no thought, because they don’t … and who really wants to think in this heat. People say not to wear black when it is hot out, but I refuse to retire the black parts of my wardrobe for any kind of natural disaster or weather warning, so a great maxi skirt can be transformed into several different looks. And even if you are on the shorter side, there is nothing more charming than walking around having to pick up your skirt elegantly so it doesn’t graze the floor. I don’t have that problem, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel fancy.

Do The No Pants Dance: Minds out of the gutters people, seriously, who wants to wear pants when its a bazillion degrees outside? Welcome to suffocation station … supplement the pants with flowing dresses and skirts. Without a doubt, Zara has some of the most interesting and classic dresses out there. They truly have something for EVERYONE … and a lot of their stuff is work appropriate, so much that you don’t even need to throw a cardigan over it.

Hydrate For The Love of God: I know this might seem like common knowledge and you might be wanting to exit out of this blog post, pointing at your screen calling me “Captain Obvious,” but wait … wait … wait for it. Looking fashion forward instead of a hot, sweaty, disgusting, makeup melting mess … starts with water. Being properly hydrated allows your skin to naturally glow, which is the base camp for style. So make sure you carry as many water bottles as you can in that fashionable purse of yours … which can also double as a work out if you carry several. Hello killing two birds with one stone!

 

Holy Heat Wave!

Leaving work today, the inside of my car said it was 107 degrees … and what it says usually goes. In the winter, when it gets below 20 degrees … it will say something like “ice warning.” I wonder why it didn’t say something like, “holy shit your car is about to burst into flames … RUN,” today. Anyways after burning my legs on my fiery hot leather seats (I know, I know poooooor me), and listened to the weather, it was brought to my attention that most of the U.S. is in heat wave mode, 13 plus have already died, and, sigh, it is only going to get hotter throughout the week.

So for those of us who have to look like decent human beings while in our workplace, here are some suggestions on how to stay classy, chic and cool. For those of you who don’t have to go to work, I envy you … and by envy I mean hate … and really the only suggestion I have for you is to: A. Either find a bathing suit, a pool, some SPF and work on your tan, or B. Walk around naked … wanna know why? Because you can!

Who Wears Short Shorts?: A lot of dress codes aren’t down with shorts, but hopefully your dress code melts a little along with everything else in this heat. Shorts on me personally do not work because I am 5’9 and everything tends to look shorter on me than they actually are, so I would be bordering Hookerville if I wore these in my office. And I would most certainly avoid jean shorts for fear of a “Britney” moment … wait … not THAT kind of “Britney” moment … but a “Britney” moment when she was married to K-Fed and only wore beaters, jean shorts with the pockets hanging out, and trucker hats … ick. City shorts are fantastic as they are office friendly, a bit on the longer side, and completely flattering and chic paired with a the right tank. Jazz it up with some statement jewelry and a pair of fierce wedges and you, my friend, will most definitely not be sent home with a dress code violation.

Maxi Everything: I never thought I could love something more than my maxi dress, until I met the maxi skirt. Both are MUST HAVE staples, especially in a heat wave. They are simple, they breathe, they are ultimately chic, and did I mention they literally take no thought, because they don’t … and who really wants to think in this heat. People say not to wear black when it is hot out, but I refuse to retire the black parts of my wardrobe for any kind of natural disaster or weather warning, so a great maxi skirt like this one from TOPSHOP can be transformed into several different looks. And even if you are on the shorter side, there is nothing more charming than walking around having to pick up your skirt elegantly so it doesn’t graze the floor. I don’t have that problem, but I do it anyway because it makes me feel fancy.

Do The No Pants Dance: Minds out of the gutters people, seriously, who wants to wear pants when its a bazillion degrees outside? Welcome to suffocation station … supplement the pants with flowing dresses and skirts. Without a doubt, Zara has some of the most interesting and classic dresses out there (and they are having a MASSIVE SALE right now … eeeeee!) The pleated dress would be a great example of a classic look with a little bit of an edge. It’s kind of a blessing that Zara doesn’t have an e-commerce section to their website, otherwise I would be the girl who lived in her million pretty little Zara dresses. They truly have something for EVERYONE … and a lot of their stuff is work appropriate, so much that you don’t even need to throw a cardigan over it.

Hydrate For The Love of God: I know this might seem like common knowledge and you might be wanting to exit out of this blog post, pointing at your screen calling me “Captain Obvious,” but wait … wait … wait for it. Looking fashion forward instead of a hot, sweaty, disgusting, makeup melting mess … starts with water. Being properly hydrated allows your skin to naturally glow, which is the base camp for style. So make sure you carry as many water bottles as you can in that fashionable purse of yours … which can also double as a work out if you carry several. Hello killing two birds with one stone!

So everyone be mindful in this heat and take care of yourself, loved ones, pets, and the elderly. And for those of you, again, who get to kick it by a pool and work on your tan whilst sipping margaritas and other frothy drinks … I hate you, but pour some out for me.