My First Pair Of Heels

CapturePreface: This was supposed to have been posted on Halloween, but due to technical difficulties … well … yeah … didn’t. So better late then never, right? (Damn you … technology :::shakes fist:::)

As I prepare for a Halloween filled with the lacking of tricks AND treats, it makes me think back to better Halloween days. When instead of preparing for a BOOzed-filled evening (see what I did there? Ehhh??! No … no … I’ll stop, I promise, continue reading), I was preparing for how much candy I was going to score.

I feel like I should be knitting something and rocking in a rocking chair on my porch when I write the next sentence, but I believe my favorite Halloween was when I was in the 4th grade. Travel back with me now, won’t you?

I was a freak of nature when it came to growth spurts. While the boys were still shopping in the kids section at retailers, I was making my way up to the women’s section, fitting into a size zero jeans, not for the size, but because my legs were freakishly long. It was really cool. Psyche. When you enter into the “women’s section” for the first time, it is horrific, because I felt like I was going to turn into this:

408475371f2248ee_cast

So when I made the decision to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for my 4th grade Halloween party, my mom insisted that I get a great pair of ruby red slippers, not those lame ones that came with the costume from the Halloween store.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but since I came out of my mother’s womb, I have been obsessed with high heels. I called them “sippy shoes” because of Cinderella. Get it … “sippy” … “Cinderella” … no? Oh shush, I was a child. So you would think the idea of my mom buying me my first pair of high heels would be something dreams were made of, right? Well no. I was too busy digging my claws into the children’s section and refusing to move on up to be bothered with it.

She took me to TJ Maxx … which I LOATHED. I was NOT a Maxxinista when I was a wee one, let me tell you. Nothing bored me more than following my mom around as she looked through racks and racks of clothes that all looked the exact same as Smooth Operator played in the background. Woof. She was certain I would fit into a women’s size 5 or 6 … so we went to the shoe department in hopes of finding the perfect red heel. The only thing I was certain about was that my Aladdin velcro sneakers still fit me perfectly fine from Payless (which they totally did not).

And there they were. A ruby red satin shoe with, I want to say, about an inch and 1/2 block heel. I tried on the 6 1/2, praying to dear sweet Jesus they wouldn’t fit and I could stay a kid forever, but they did. And I secretly adored them. But wanted to cry and jump back in my mother’s uterus all at the same time. Dorothy would have approved of these shoes, so we bought them, as I was secretly having an anxiety attack about wearing high heels to my 4th grade Halloween party and being a gigantic monster more than I already was, towering over the boys, when I just wanted to click my heels together and stay a kid forever.

When it came to fashion at this point in time, I had no balls. I was cool being the wallflower so no one had any reason to laugh or make fun of me. I was the quiet, shy girl who liked to write. So walking into this party in ruby red HEELS was mortifying. But like I said, I would have made out with these shoes if I could because all I ever wanted was a pair of heels that fit. And walking in them was no problem, as I had been strutting around in my moms heels that were WAY too big for me for years like a champ.

Unfortunately I can’t remember the reaction of my classmates. I blame it on being millions of years ago … aaaaand booze. No one laughed or threw anything at me … I recall that, so that’s good. I’m sure I got a, “wow, you’re tall,” as I was towering over my teacher in my ruby red heels. And I remember doing the macarena (yep, I was obsessed with the macarena), and I remember my feet hurting like a bitch after trick-or-treating, but that was about it.

I truly wish I still had these shoes, but at some point I tossed them as they were “90’s nightmares.” Looking back, it took balls to wear heels to a 4th grade Halloween party. Especially as a “tall girl.” How I got said balls, or where I pulled them out from, I have NO clue. But sometimes you just have to give into who you really are and what you really love in life and not give a shit about anyone else and their dumbass opinions. Word.

Happy Halloween, errbody! Feel free to share your fave costume below … would love to hear your embarrassing stories. And for the love, be safe tonight. Don’t be a dumbass. Keep it together and so on.

Ps. Sorry I don’t have a pic to share with you in my Dorothy costume at age 11? 10? How old are you in 4th grade? Anywho it is down in my basement, and like I said, my basement is scary as shit … so no.

Adults And Halloween

il_340x270.659559187_t73uI adore Halloween. Always have. Well … maybe not so much during my college years since I went against everything I believed in and went as the “sexy” version of non-sexy things … I mean I suppose that is what you do in college. The pictures are cringe-worthy, though, and no I won’t share them with you. Sigh. You live and you dress as a sexy cat and you learn.

This year Halloween falls on Friday, and quite frankly, for adults, that rules. We all secretly would love nothing more than to throw our inhibitions to the wind and go beg for candy … although alcohol would definitely be involved. Clearly. But alas … we cannot. Because it’s weird. So instead of passing out in front of our TVs watching the Peanuts Halloween special on ABC in a candy coma like we once did, we pass out drunk in our kitchens after an energy-filled rendition of Thriller. Not … that I do that … or … anything … :::shifty eyes:::

Being that Halloween falls on a Friday, it really gives us adult-like creatures an excuse to be anything but ourselves. Which is a beautiful thing. But I keep hearing people stressing about costumes and what to be and having nowhere to go. Last year I had a place to go and dressed as the horrifying twins for the Shining. To this day it was the best thing I’ve ever been … turns out I thoroughly enjoy horrifying people. This year, I don’t have anywhere to go, but I DO have this insane urge to wear an amazing mask and maybe some black lipstick. I blame Margiela for this. But if I had it my way I would wear one every single day. Aren’t they dreamy?

Maison+Martin+Margiela_0

Instead of cursing your friends for not having a fantastic Halloween party, or having no one to go with to that exclusive party at “da club” (which no one should ever do … like EVER), or not coming up with an insanely creative costume, I’m taking this as my golden opportunity to wear the things I secretly covet, but don’t wear outside of Halloween because people would look at me like I was crazytown … like a Margiela mask. And I suggest you do the same. Secretly love the Kanye West-inspired leather sweats? Rock that shit. Dreaming of wearing a tutu over your jeans? Now is the time, people, now is the time!

Halloween is the one day a year people cannot judge you. Unless you dress as the sexy version of something, well then people will totally judge you and call you a slut, whether to your face or behind your back. It’s going to happen. Just own it. But if I wanted to wear black lipstick and a mask, no one could talk shit because it is Halloween, for crying out loud. The day when anything goes. And if you do talk shit about people embracing the holiday, well, you straight up suck. Lighten up, bud.

So instead of desperately trying to be a sexy mouse, duh, I challenge you to wear something you have always wanted to, but never had the balls. You don’t have to be defined as something, necessarily. By stepping out of your bubble and rocking an outlandish something or other, like Gaga-esque shoes, or a ball gown for the hell of it, I believe you’re embracing the holiday spirit.

Now excuse me, I need to go work on bedazzling my Margiela-like mask, because GAWD knows I cannot afford the real thing.

For The Love, Don’t Go To a Halloween Store

Sweet Jesus. I only frequent Halloween Stores for specific accessories, and this time I was on the hunt for a top hat. I found one, but A. there was no mirror in sight, B. the top hat was $10 (Hi, I’m cheap) and C. As I put the silly top hat on my head, I almost immediately regretted the decision as I had no idea who or what had tried the hat on before me. Ick. I then high tailed it out of that joint.

So I thought to myself, if I never ever want to step foot into a Halloween Super Store with heinous children running amuck, skank costumes hanging pathetically on a hook, and random items throw about with god only knows what all over them … I decided to list a couple of Halloween ideas for the girl who wants to be someone else for the night while looking fabulously fashion forward and chic.

1. Black Swan- First of all, the makeup itself is to die for. The big black eyes, the burgundy lips, I mean you can take the all white face or leave it … the eyes alone are the definition of sexy. Put on some hot tights (whore it up all you want), a tutu or some tulle-esque skirt, feather it up, a black tank top and a bling crown … and VUELA … you are Natalie Portman for the night.

2. Karl Lagerfeld- I know I mentioned this in a past post, but being an old man can be sexy because menswear … is sexy. So what if he is an old man, he speaks French and runs shit at Chanel. And if people don’t know who you are well … you probably shouldn’t speak to them anyways. This is a fantastic excuse to wear a lot of leather, like fingerless leather gloves, that is a must. Throw on a pair of tight black skinny pants, a white button down (another excuse to whore it up, if you must), a skinny black tie and a black blazer. Top the look off with some black shades and a skinny black tie in a bow. Leave the gray hair at home.

3. Slash- You know … from Guns N’ Roses … Sweet Child of Mine? No? Anyways, I’ll share a little secret with you, this is what yours truly will be rocking! And quite frankly another great excuse to wear leather. All you need is to ‘fro out your hair, in a sex hair kind of way, rock some black liquid leggings, a rock and roll t-shirt, or perhaps a leather vest, a top hat and some shades. Makeup wise, go for a red lip or a really smokey eye. You can even carry around a fake guitar and perhaps a bottle of Jack Daniels. You know, really inhibit the body of a true rock star.

4. Mod- I’m not a fan of wearing wigs all night at a party or out to the bar, but for this costume, you might need to. Luckily this is a really trendy look right now, so go for hardcore color blocking looks … but feel free to take it to the next level. Mix patterns, rock a black and white stripped dress with a pair of black and white polka-dotted tights. Wear some fierce pointy paten leather black heels or high to the sky go-go boots, straight blunt hair (with bangs if possible). Mod makeup is my fav. A dark black eye, with over accentuated lashes and a pink lip. If you want to have even more fun with this look, try a blue eye shadow (it isn’t as scary as it looks, I promise).

5. Olsen Twin/Rachel Zoe- Prepare yourselves because there is no way in blazing hell you can make this look sexy, but if you really don’t give a shit, go for the gold girl. Really all this involves is wearing a maxi dress/skirt, with a huge sweater over it, a pair of huge, ridiculous stilettos, a HUGE pair of sunglasses, a shocking red lip, crazed, non-brushed, wavy sex hair and wear a beanie, and walk around like a troll saying things like “BA-NANAS, I DIE,” or if you are an Olsen twin, just look 100 percent stuck up with a puckered lip. Hello lazy lady’s halloween costume.

In the meantime … I’m still in search of my fabulous top hat.