Phantom Hair Syndrome

tyra-haircutSo if you don’t follow me on any social media network, you would have no idea that I hacked five inches off of my hair last night. Yep. I did it, guys. And if you DO follow me on social networks, you are probably like, “shut the eff up, you cut your hair … cool. Unfollow.” Which I hope isn’t the case :::insert emoji sad cat:::

I suggest everyone do something like this, at least once in your life. Perhaps it was my drive for change, or that my hair bordem hit an all-time high, but from the moment I made the decision to hack my long mane into a long bob, I’ve been filled with excitement. Sure nerves showed their nasty face here and there, but never once did I say, “meh … maybe this is a bad idea.” I didn’t even have my reality show, “Top Model” moment where I was sobbing and hyperventilating as they cut my hair off saying, “TURN. OFF. THE. CAMERAS.” Hell no. I was telling her to cut more.

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So how do I feel with five inches less of hair? Free, most definitely. I oddly do feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders … I think it was all my dead ends from all the dying and frying. I feel slightly more mature, which is strange to say. But you know, a little more dignified. Like I could go to a fancy bar in a black strapless dress, long black satin gloves, red lipstick and order a dirty martini or something. Just kidding, I’ll be at the dive bar tonight slugging back house vodka and clubs. And overall I just feel excited and refreshed. I actually wanted to get up earlier than usual just to play with my hair. Seriously. Me. The girl who snoozes a legit 10 times at least in the morn.

I haven’t felt a second go by where I’ve longed for my long locks. So yes, if you are looking for something to make you feel empowered, do this. I seriously feel like I could bitch slap the world for no apparent reason. But before taking a plunge like this one, here are some tips I would like to offer throughout my experience.

1. Find a stylist with a good amount of experience. I had never gone to the lady who long-bobbed me, which was a bit unnerving, but after reviewing her background, I knew she had the skills to give me what I need. Now I adore her and have adopted her as my go-to stylist. Which is maybe another reason why I’m on cloud-9 because it has taken me YEARS to find someone like this. Jenna at Verde Salon, I adore you. So does my hair.

2. Do detailed research on the look you want. True, Kim Kardashian was my spirit animal during the whole process … which still kind of freaks me out to be honest. But I suppose it was realistic. I went on Pinterest and tried to find celebs with my skin tone, hair color, and face shape to see if this is something I could actually pull off. I even tried this stupid thing on Marie Claire where you can upload a pic of yourself and try out different hair cuts. Ugh. I’m really embarrassed to even admit that. Don’t do it … or do if you need a laugh. You never want to go to a stylist as a brunette with an oval face shape and say you want to look like some blonde with chiseled cheek bones. It just won’t work. Stylists are good … but they can’t turn water into wine, ya know what I mean?

3. My experience in the past has been to be like, “yeah I want it short, and layered,” and then I get overwhelmed and just let them do whatever the hell they want because they are the “experts” … and then I end up wanting to stab them because I hate it. No. Ask questions. Be as descriptive as possible. Talk out what you want to do with your stylist. It may not be just a five minute convo either. And if they aren’t giving you the answers you want, or not making sense, or talking you into shit you just aren’t down with, and if you feel your heart start to race … maybe back away slowly, just saying. This was the first experience where a stylist was asking ME questions … like how I wear my hair, how I foresee myself wearing my hair, etc. The more you talk, the more you get what you want … AND you walk away with some great tips, too.

4. Listen to your gut. It actually is wiser than you think and not just full of Chipotle like mine is. If you really want to dye your hair pink, but every time you think about it you feel like you need to pop a Xanax, maybe don’t dye your hair pink. I told you, from the minute I set my sights on a long bob, I never looked back. It was soothing but really creepy at the same time, because I’m never calm about ANYTHING like that.

5. Limit yourself to opinions. I’m the type of person that needs to survey the masses before making a major life decision. Survey says: that’s not a good idea. Luckily this time around, everyone was very supportive, besides a select few. But if you are impressionable, just follow YOUR instincts. Not what your best friends, dog walker’s, sister says. It will save you a lot of agony.
So there you have it. I just had to go invest in a brand new bag of tricks in order to tackle this new hair do. And by bag of tricks I mean hair curling wand and beach spray (which if heaven had a scent I bet it would be this … and cookies. Yep. Beach and cookies … and maybe vodka). No longer will I be my hair straighteners bitch. I’m lettin’ the wave out, and for people who know me, that is a SHOCKING statement for me to say.

Out with the old … in with the new.

Oh, also, here is the new ‘do … this isn’t a selfie … I swear:

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Choppin’ It Off!

elle-01-kim-kardashian-hFor as long as I can remember, I’ve had a love affair with the idea of having long hair. Perhaps it was the “always wanting what you don’t have” syndrome, but as a little girl, my mother kept my insanely curly hair rather short, and I always wanted the Little Mermaid’s hair … but brunette, of course.

Flash forward to present day and my hair is long. Long … and not doing anything. Yawn. And then I came across my high school graduation photo and literally my hair looks exactly the same. Same color. Same length. Same part. And … sigh … that photo was taken almost 10 years ago. Yowza. Mind you my hair has been through a lot of colors and lengths since then, but right now … it’s like I’m 17 years old again … except … well … a tad more aged … JUST a tad.

I was in DIRE need of change. And not because I had a bad break up or going through a transition or hate life, but just because a simple change to something like your hair can be SO damn refreshing. But I’ve already fallen down the ombre hole, did the layers thing, changed my hair color a million different ways, and the only thing shocking I have left is blonde, and that AIN’T happenin’. So what is left?

Well, I was bored one day and took a Buzzfeed quiz (oh shush, who doesn’t take those quizzes … they are addictive), asking “what hair style I should have,” and I got the long bob. I immediately got intrigued, but scratched my head, laughed and said … “haha … noooooo.”

I suppose it stayed in the back of my head, because this past Monday I was catching up on celebrity gossip (I know, I sound like SUCH a sophisticated Interwebs explorer, right?) and stumbled upon Kim Kardashian’s new do, which happened to be a long bob, and all of a sudden I said without thinking about it, “screw it, I’m doing it.”

Literally all I kept thinking was, “yes, let’s do this. I want to do this now. How fast can this happen? I want all of my hair gone. Holy crap.” In the matter of minutes I had booked my hair appointment for Thursday (tomorrow), went on Pinterest and found some long bob styles I liked, and texted all of my friends asking what they thought. Green lights all around.

Usually I would be peeing myself in fear. The last time I drastically got my hair cut was right before I graduated college and this awful stylist made me look like a newscaster from the 1980′s. I was BEYOND pissed. Usually I can keep control of my face while they style my hair, but she just kept asking, “are you mad? Do you like it? You don’t look happy.” No, bitch, I’m not happy. And since then I burned all of my graduation pics for I had an awful puffy hair cut and I was like 15 pounds over weight due to beer consumption. Cool, self.

So I decided this time it will be different. And the fact that I’m so positive about it and all about YES, I feel confident. And christ, it’s hair. It will grow back … right? Ahhh I’m like 73.4% excited and the rest scared shitless. I believe the worst part is when my stylist will do the first rather large chop. Ugh. Hopefully I don’t “Top Model-style” start to cry. Times like these I wish I had a reality show. “TURN OFF THE CAMERAS. I’M :::hyperventilating::: NOT :::hyperventilating::: FILMING :::hyperventilating::: THIS!” I kid … I wouldn’t be THAT much of a diva.

So I’m putting my fears into the universe … honestly … so that way I won’t obsess over them until 5:30 tomorrow when it will all go down.

1. I’m worried this long bob will give me fat face (I told you I’m being 100% honest here)

2. I’m worried my hair won’t look like Kim K’s and instead look like a 1980′s newscaster again

3. I’m worried it will be too puffy and out-of-control

4. I’m worried I won’t master the beachy, flowy long bob look

5. I’m worried it will ruin me (I don’t even know what that means, but … yeah … I’m scared)

So there it is. I need positive vibes tomorrow around 5:30 p.m. I decided I’m going to embody Man Repeller who chops her hair off at the drop of a hat and doesn’t give a shit. Sometimes … you just need to take a plunge. Less thinking … more plunging.

Stay tuned for the aftermath!

Ps. If this goes poorly … I blame Kim Kardashian and Buzzfeed. That is all.

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Hey, Remember 90s Hair Accessories?

lDid anyone else get beat up by the ice cold wind this morning? I mean my hair was all over the place; in my face, in my mouth, straight up doing a ballet around my head. My only fear was that I was rocking an Alfalfa-like hair style after it was all said and done. I would totally be that guy on the train, ear buds in, acting all cool, as I have a piece of hair sticking straight up. It reminds me of the time my fly was down on the train and a verbose old lady announced it to me … AND the entire train car. Old Lady: “Sweetie … :::points to my pants::: and smiles Me: What? Old Lady: SWEETIE … I SAID YOUR FLY IS DOWN!” Good times.

Lucky for me everything was in place, besides my part, which looked like I had dropped acid before doing my hair. Which reminded me of something: Hey … remember the late 90′s/early 2000′s? Seeing this zig-zag part immediately took me back to my days as a kid/tween when the only thing that mattered in life were hair accessories and styles. Like once upon a time, it was REALLY cool to zig-zag your part. I mean if one of the characters on Friends did it, of COURSE it was. Derh. So let me take you back to a time when I only got style tips from stars of ABC’s TGIF, Stephanie Tanner, The Olsen Twins, and Nickelodeon.

Butterfly Clips: Oh yeah, that was the stuff. I mean who WOULDN’T want to slow dance with a girl who twisted little strands of hair and clipped them back with a butterfly clip in order to give her this hallo of glittery clip magic at the top of her head? Am I right?

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Scrunchies: There was nothing better in life. Now if you were caught in public rocking one, I’m pretty sure you would get stoned to death. But back in the day I would invest in scrunchies that matched outfits, that were absurdly glitterified, and of course, you just HAD to get ones specifically so you could bunch the side of your Tweety Bird sweatshirt. Stephanie Tanner made this shit exceptionally cool.

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Headbands: I wore a headband with pretty much everything I owned from age 4 to around 10. But unfortunately I never wore headbands “properly”. Hmph … don’t ask me why. They were always in the middle of my forehead, and when people would try to fix it for me, I would like hiss at them. But because of how I rocked my headbands, my family insisted upon calling me Jordi from Star Trek. For those of you who don’t know who Jordi is and why they called me this, example A. at the bottom. Sigh … excuse me I have to go call my therapist.

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The Britney: Umm hi, if you were at an age to appreciate this music video … you rocked this look, even if it was in the privacy of your basement as you tried to perfect her moves … not like … I did … that … or … anything :::shifty eyes:::.

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Bandanas: When I hit puberty and my hair went insanely curly … I turned to bandanas. I only had a few, and I used to think by mixing them with outfits that clearly didn’t match meant that I was turning into Carrie Bradshaw. Clearly. Skinny as a rail, awkwardly tall, palette expander, braces, awful Brillo-like hair … rockin’ the bandana. Cool, self, cool.

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Accessories You Had No Idea What To Do With: Like this guy … the spring comb scrunchie. I owned one, who didn’t? But it NEVER worked. And if it did, it never looked right and then would awkwardly pop off in the back. Please tell me why these were “cool”, again?

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Confessions From A Girl Who Can’t Do Hair

It’s true, kids …

<—— Can’t do that.

I basically spent my Saturday repinning shit on Pinterest (seriously, are we Pin friends yet … because I’m a pinning maniac, and I’m pinning like I’ve never pinned before). But whilst pinning, I began seeing all these stylish girls with all of these fabulous hair styles and it made me think … holy hell, I can’t do cool hair styles to save my life.

As I type this, I’m rocking a messy bun, but don’t get excited … it is one of those messy buns you wear when you hop out of a quick, non-hair washing shower, not one of those fabulous messy buns you can wear out with over the knee boots, jeans and a blazer. Wanna know why my bun is not fabulous? Because I don’t know HOW to make it fabulous, dammit. It seems so easy, doesn’t it?

It stems from the fact that since I was 13, learning how to make my wild, curly hair poker straight was my main reason for walking to Earth. And here I am, 25 … beyond mastered that skill, actually have the ability to add waves to my hair with my flat-iron … but that’s all she wrote, folks. Should I have spent those years learning how to do cool braids … I just don’t know.

My hair is just always down … because I prefer it like that. Down with a wave, down with a flip, down poker straight … but down … down … down … down … down … down. But I would be a dirty liar if I said I wasn’t envious of the girls who rock fish tail braids, teased out pony tails, french twists … seriously, how do they do it?! Perhaps it is the fact that I’m getting bored with my hair and even when I have it poker straight, I feel the urge to run to the bathroom, flip it upside down and mess it up.

I’m also border line lazy. I literally give myself enough time in the morning to shower, throw on makeup, run a flat iron through my hair, think of a quick outfit and run out the door to make it to work in time. Is it worth getting up 20 minutes earlier so I can sit there and try to figure out how to make my hair uber chic with a side bun or something? And the chances of me getting frustrated and saying screw it and just leaving it down are pretty high. Hmm … the fashion side of me is saying yes but the more dominant side of me that wants to punt my alarm clock when it goes off is saying HELL no.

So if anyone feels compelled to give me hair styling 101 … I would be highly appreciative. Shout out to Pinterest for making me realize how yawn-worthy my hair styles are. Back to pinning I go … I wonder what else I will find out about myself besides the fact that I’m obsessed with sparkly things.

Will My Future Self Despise My 2011 Hair?

So last night I found myself watching When Harry Met Sally … admiring how natural, adorable and cute Meg Ryan was in the 80′s … in fact I do believe she was the fantasy girlfriend for many men back in the day. And now, well, I would describe her as an over Botox-ed alien … unfortunate but true. I swear, plastic surgery has ruined many a star from the 80′s … Jennifer Gray anyone? Who is she? Yea … you wouldn’t know because the Baby in the corner NOW doesn’t look like the Baby that was in the corner in Dirty Dancing … let me tell you.

But back to When Harry Met Sally, I couldn’t help but notice Meg Ryan’s hair style. The perm (I’m assuming it was a perm), the teased out perm, the bangs with the perm (I mean, what), the shortness of the perm, the HUGENESS of the perm, the amount of hair spray in the perm. Good lord, what a nightmare. I get it, it was the style back then, it was the 80′s, blah, blah, blah … but it made me think. In 20 years, will I look back at my high school graduation picture or even pictures of me right now as I type and say, “What in Gods great name was I thinking with that hair?!”

Because my hair is a hot curly mess and I’ve never been able to tolerate it, I’ve been straightening it for the past 12 years or so. So for the past 12 years, including my high school graduation picture, my hair has been numerous lengths, numerous colors, but layered and straight. Throughout it all though, I feel like consistently I’ve kept the same hair style.

If anything, the embarrassing thing so far has been the heinous hair colors I’ve gone through. I’ve literally been almost every color of brown, black and red. I had Debra Messing red hair my senior year of high school, jet black hair my freshman year of college and like a purple-ish red for my 21st birthday and everything in between since. I think hair color in the new millennium is the perm of the 80′s. I mean at least for me, that is how I express myself nowadays because toying with new hair styles is waaaay too much dedication. And then you have to figure out how to style it yourself, ick. Too much work.

My most embarrassing hair cut to date is living on a mug my parents made for my Nana when I was little as a gift (see picture above), which my brother unfortunately inherited and has recently put on Facebook (ass). When I was five, my sister decided it was a genius idea to cut my long curly locks to a ridiculously short bob. I think shortly after that she gave me bangs to match, but I’ve done my best to burn every picture that ever existed documenting this do. Everyone dies for this picture, but for me it has to be my most embarrassing hair cut … in a heartwarming “I was 5 years old” kind of way.

So my point is, when I’m 40, will I look back at this long, straight hair that I’ve been rocking and say to myself, “What the hell was I on?!” I’m thinking no right now, because it is a simple, classic look … but did Meg Ryan think this as she was rocking that outrageous perm? I guess we will never know.