One Shoe Blues

ep50_carrie_tripping_runwayThis weekend I started doing an audit of my shoes since it’s almost boots season (eeeeeeeeeee), and I noticed that some, if not all, of my flip-flops and sandals need to be burned. Clearly I did some walkin’ this summer. Which brings me to what I call Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra story time. Gather around, kids … this is a story about probably one of most monumental wardrobe malfunctions of my summer:

As a preface, I would like to state that I was 87% sober when this event occurred. 

Picture it: Labor Day Weekend 2013. Made in America concert. Well … outside of the Made in America concert. My friend and I made this genius assumption that since there was only an hour left until Beyoncé went on stage ticket prices would absolutely be lowered from $150. Genius. Until some intimidating sales person told us, “NOPE still $150, ya comin’ or goin’, ladies?!” Cool. I wasn’t too bummed, though. The sea of trash trucks blocking off streets like something out of Batman (Christian Bale Batman, not Michael Keaton Batman), concert goers wrapped in American flags, girls who looked like Urban Outfitters threw up all over them throwing their iPhones at me to snap a pic of her and the beeeeeeessssssssssties in front of the Made in America sign … um yeah … let’s just say we backed away slowly.

So we decided to walk on down the Parkway for a nice stroll. A stroll that ended up us pretty much walking around the entire city, but I digress. More importantly, a stroll that my Forever 21 sandals that I had worn for two summers clearly couldn’t handle.

Now before you guys roll your eyes at me and say, “listen, I totally know where this is going and you are a damn fool for buying shoes at Forever 21,” I would like to say to you … CHILL OUT, MAN AND LET ME FINISH MY DAMN STORY!

Ahem, where was I? Ahh yes, the Parkway. It was a lovely humid evening, and the farther you got from the concert, the more the city felt completely abandoned. I found myself looking at black SUVs and wondering if young Blue Carter was inside with Momma Bey. Checking out the beauty of the museums. Enjoying light conversation about where to find margaritas close by with my friend (I told you it was really humid out). And then it happened. Mid-sentence I, out of nowhere, trip. In slow motion (at least in my head), my sandal literally folds in half as I lean forward preparing to fall (I probably made a really awesome face during all of this, too). Luckily my cat-like reflexes stopped me from actually falling, but when I looked down, I found the thong part of my sandal hanging on by a literal thread. How poetic.

There I was. At the end of the Parkway with my one sandal in ruins, picturing myself walking around the city barefoot, contracting numerous flesh-eating viruses as onlookers pointed and laughed, and desperately praying that Payless would pop up magically.

Since I had one thread holding my sandal together, I decided to use what the Gods gave me … and walk on, with my head held high. Well … I’ll use the term “walk” lightly. I ended up having to do this really strange swagger, and no, words just wouldn’t do it justice. I’ll let you use your imaginations for that one. Enjoy.

So the point of all of this is that I want to give Forever 21 a slow clap, and at the same time I would like to do a touchdown dance in front of all the Forever 21 shoe haters, because that sandal that was hanging on by an actual thread didn’t break for the rest of the evening. The little guy stayed strong. I was in awe. Sure I had to walk like an idiot for the rest of the evening, but at least I didn’t have to go barefoot and die. Am I right?

So the moral of this story is, Forever 21 shoes are not only cute, cheap, and awesome … but can pretty much withstand anything with a little hope and a lot of awkward swagger.

The end. 

If Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend …

… then $3 “silver” rings are a girl’s secret romance she has with a hobo living in a van down by the river … in the most fabulous way possible, of course. I am personally attracted to really fun and obscure jewelry. S0 when I stumbled across these long, silver rings at Forever 21 for $4.80, like this Pressed Detail Knuckle Ring, I immediately needed it on my finger. They have a lot of great, different styles that can give any outfit that edgy pop. No “diamonds,” or whatever Forever 21 puts in their jewelry to resemble diamonds, no sparkles … just straight up “silver” rings.

But with that $4.80, you are paying for a catch as well. These fantastic rings truly go all the way up to your knuckle, so when you go to wash your hands, do the dishes … or anything that involves hand to water contact, these rings will most likely get tarnished immediately, which is heartbreaking because they do look genuine to a blind eye.

So what are some preventative measures we can take to salvage our $4.80 purchase, because I’m personally sick of forgetting to take my rings off before washing my hands and then having to scream obscenities because I have just tarnished my ring.

Clear nail polish, what can’t you do? You stop runs in my stockings, you give my nails that extra shine, and now, you can SAVE my fabulous costume jewelry! Put a thin coat of any kind of clear nail polish that you may fancy on the front and back of your “silver” rings. The front is to shield it from things that may tarnish it, you know like water, pollution, life in general … and the back is to stop the ring from giving your dainty finger that evil green stain. Genius, right?

I was so upset when my Forever 21 ring got a little bit tarnished that I had to go out and buy another one, coat it in clear nail polish … and … so far so good! Doesn’t this inspire more costume jewelry purchases?

Love Letter to Forever 21

Dear Forever 21,

I have been in a committed, borderline obsessed relationship with you since 2005. Even though I know our relationship has not been monogamous, since every girl ages 20-35 are pretty much in a relationship with you as well, I let it go and do what I can to make it work. Like I know I can only go visit you early in the morning or late at night so I can get peaceful, uninterrupted, quality time with you and not have to deal with those throngs of crazy ladies shuffling through your goods.

But since 2005, I have gone from a girl in college looking for cheap day-to-day clothing and “bar shirts and dresses” … to now needing and wanting a bit more, like fabric for instance on your itty bitty dresses. In college it was totally acceptable buy a cute dress that if a gust of wind came and your ass happen to show, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Now I did not “sell my soul” when I got my first job or my second job. I never compromised my sense of style and to this day, have NEVER had to wear a suit to work (thank ya Jesus). But there is something said about a dress that is an appropriate length. Yes, I am 5’9 with long legs (I am not bragging), therefore every dress I try on barely covers my ass, and most of the dresses these girls can wear, I can wear as a long shirt. Do you see my frustration?

I am now 24 years old, two years deep into my career and in need of about an extra three inches on EVERY dress that is sold in your store. I’m not a prude, I’m all about rockin’ it if ya got it … but literally every single dress, minus the maxi’s, are at an inappropriate length. I know women of all ages … 34, 65, 20 and beyond that shop at your store, yet what about those ladies who love your clothes, but need to go to work and want to look edgy and fabulous? I know you are trying to keep us all “Forever 21,” but honey, I’m 24 and know deep down that THAT ship has sailed onto more tasteful, yet sassy fronts.

So please, for the sake of our relationship, invest in a bit more fabric and add some inches onto your fabulous, summer dresses. I couldn’t deal with walking into your room, trying on a fantastic dress, and realizing I look like a hooker … a hooker in a cute dress … but a hooker.

Tall girls have needs to.

Love forever and probably see you tomorrow,