The First Ever LSIASB 2015 Exhibit Of Gifts

While I usually do “Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra’s Favorite Things,” Oprah-style because … well … all hail Oprah, I decided to switch it up this year and offer more of a “gift guide.” 

There’s a little somethin-somethin’ for everyone. Even a few laughs for those of us who “ball on a budget” (I’ll give you a hint, it’s from Fendi). 

So I’ll shut up now while you indulge in the greatness of the very first EVER Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra 2015 Exhibit of Gifts. 

Jewelry Pouch: I don’t know about you, but when I travel my jewelry gets thrown into some random bag and ends up a tangled hot mess. So as a proclaimed jewelry whore, this is pure gold.

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Journal: Fun fact about me, I heart stationary. Even more fun fact, I love swearing. Combine the two and you have the most fucking brilliant journal ever. 

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Sticks + Stones necklace: I would sell my mother for this necklace. And I’ve said numerous times that if someone bought this for me (:::cough::: number 1 thing on my wish list :::cough:::), I would like to be buried in it (morbid, I know). AND Sticks + Stones is from Philly. Get on my neck, like NOW. 

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Faux Motif Scarf: You know … for those times when PETA mistakes you for someone famous and attempts to throw paint on you.

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Fendi Bag Charm: Alright everyone, let’s take a big ol’ cleansing laugh and publicly shame the idiots who would spend over $600 on a Fendi KEYCHAIN. A KEYCHAIN. I don’t care if Jesus blessed it … NO. But oh look, I found one for $10 WITH goggly eyes that looks exactly like the $640 Fendi one. Boom.

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Wand Salt & Pepper Shakers: Because could there possibly be a more fun way to season your food?! I think not. Salt for everyone!

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Zara heels: Yes I’m drooling … shut up … these heels are just that good. 

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Good reads: I realize biographies aren’t everyone’s jam, but they are mine (especially ones by inspiring women), and here are a few fantastic ones that I read in like a day (yes that addictively good).

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Erase Paste: I’ll say it again … this product is God’s gift to women. Now no one could ever tell you went on a bender last night! 

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Anthropologie Glassware: If you’re going to drink wine, it should be out of something fancy. (I hope to one day see that quote on a teabag or something)

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Christian Louboutin Lipstick: $90 is a little steep for lipstick, I know. But did you notice how insanely gorgeous the packaging is? And, if you can’t afford red Louboutin soles, red Loub lips are a great compromise.

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Bracelet Flask: Because sometimes people get thirsty AND want to look stylish … okay. I can feel you judging … 

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Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra’s Favorite Things … 2014

CaptureThis time of year warms my black heart. The lights, the shiny things, the opportunity to brighten someone’s day by buying them something their heart desires. I mean, it truly is delicious.

Except when you can’t figure out what the hell to buy. When you hit that brick wall, all of a sudden your body fills with rage, anxiety, and panic … forcing you to enter Bath & Body Works in a desperate attempt to buy whatever kinds of Cucumber Melon scented shit you can find (and nobody REALLY likes anything from Bath & Body Works, right?) I know, I know, I’m such a BBW hater, I realize this.

So if you’ve hit said brick wall, I want you to brace yourself because something magical is about to happen. Oh yeah … wait … let me get my best Oprah voice on … ahem … it’s LIFE SUCKS IN A STRAPLESS BRA’S FAVORITE THINGS … 2014 STYLEY! Ahhhhh! Ensue pandemonium.

As much as I would love to virtually shove free shit at you in an Oprah-esque fashion, leading to your heads to pop off, I unfortunately cannot. BUT … I hope the list of some of my favorite things will inspire your gift buying experience. And like I said yesterday, it is a-okay to buy yourself something shiny, too.

So let’s do this thing, shall we?

1. Benefit Erase Paste: This shit will take you from tired, hungover, puffy-eyed mess to bright and alive human being. I consider this my magical elixir of life.

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2. Aritzia Parka: I don’t believe in having to sacrifice style for warmth. And that is why this parka is a dream. Fur hood, doesn’t make you look like a shapeless brick of down. And waterproof. You could totally rock this skiing or a night out with the ladies. Just don’t get drunk and forget it. This guy is kind of pricy.

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3. Muffler (No, not the car part): Old world style fascinates me. The idea of getting dolled up to go to the movies and/or the mall instead of wearing sweats that have PINK tattooed across the asses of women all over the world makes me really happy. And nothing is more stylish than a muffler. Nothing. Gloves be gone, time to get down with this guy.

img40j4. Glossier: I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Emily Weiss is my spirit animal. And her products from the packaging to the rad stickers to the amazing effects they have on your skin is genius. Pure genius. Slow clap for this bitch.

8093-08F-GLS-SRG-ALLPRODUCTBAG_R_RR5. Chicago-Style Popcorn: Umm yeah, food can be fashionable, right? Especially when you combine something as random as caramel popcorn with cheddar popcorn to create this scrumtrilescent mixture of pure mouth pleasures. Oh yeah. Mouth pleasures, popcorn-styley. It may seem gross, but the cheese and sugary mixture is kind of perfect.

52762-chicago-style-popcorn-mix-di6. Cats: Wait, what? I know, I know, I’m a crazy cat lady. Blah, blah, blah, etc. But really this is just about loving animals, specifically cats, though. There are so many that need to be adopted (no, I’m not going to get all crazy eHarmony girl and start crying on you), but for the right person, a cat can be an amazing partner in crime … and an awesome thing to Instagram. I mean, welcome to my life. I’m a huge supporter of the AWA, where I adopted my cat, Ellsworth. Check them out and do the right thing. Or at least donate money, food, your time … something. (By the way, yes that is my lovely cat … but you can’t have her)

Capture557. NARS lipstick: I know this is so clique, but if you are feeling down and put on an amazing colored lipstick, you all of a sudden get this bad ass urge to take shit down. Seriously, I’ll throw on a lip color on a Sunday while I’m doing laundry just for funsies. Shanghai Express is my jam, but it is notoriously always sold out. A sales person at Nordstrom once told me to buy in bulk, no joke.

06078450100678. H&M Jewels: I’ve become a statement necklace whore, and the most compliments I receive are from my statement necklaces from H&M. And it shocks people when I tell them they are from H&M. Gotta say their jewelry game is on point this season, and price points aren’t ridiculous. You just gotta care for them. They are delicate little guys. Unfortunately their e-commerce store doesn’t have the same caliber of jewels as in-store, so bring it on down to your local H&M.

Capture99. The Perfect Blanket: Screw babies, every adult needs a blanket. There is nothing better in life than coming home after a day of life bitch slapping you and hiding underneath the comfort of your favorite blanket as you binge watch Netflix and chug wine.

img4c10. Blanket Scarves: And when it isn’t socially acceptable to walk around all day with your blanket on, enter blanket scarves stage right. I first knew I was obsessed with them when I saw a friend of mine wearing one and wanted to rip the thing off of her and run away. I love a scarf with options, you know? Blanket, scarf, invisibility cloak. You name it.

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