The Black Turtleneck Saga

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Last week I took a trip to Uniqlo because I needed a simple black turtleneck, and didn’t want to pay millions of dollars for it. And well, when I think affordable basics, I think Uniqlo. 

Why did I need a black turtleneck? Well, I believe you need to start with the basics before you can ultimately build a proper wardrobe. A black turtleneck goes under the category of the crisp white button down, the crew neck you adore so much you buy it in 10 different colors, and the perfect white T. All things every lady needs. 

This happened to be a lackluster shopping experience for me, though, which is the absolutely worst. A simple black turtleneck? Yawn. I was secretly hoping something shiny and fantastic would catch my eye once I entered Uniqlo so I could buy my necessary garment and then treat myself to something cool for being so pragmatic. 

A pair of sweats with a cool design caught my eye and I immediately pictured myself being able to go out in public with them instead of looking like my normal slobbish self in sweats. But “meh” … I passed. Instead I decided just to “get er done,” so I tracked down the black turtlenecks for $20 a pop, found my size, and took it into the fitting room.

I slipped it on, starred at myself in the mirror wearing it and decided I “nothing-ed it.” The fit was fine. The fabric was fine. I knew I needed it, but did I want it, per-say? Negative. But it worked and didn’t make my eyes burn, so sold, I guess …?

I got in line to pay, so bored, so unamused when this wave of empowerment took over me. To hell with it! I put down the black turtleneck and walked out of the store. True, I needed it. But dammit clothes should give you SOME sort of reaction for fucks sake. You shouldn’t “nothing” an item you are spending your hard earned money on for the sake of looking stylish. 

Even though I didn’t want to spend a bazillion dollars on a black turtleneck, I was now looking for one to spark an emotion out of me, so I took my ass to Nordstrom.

Immediately I found one with fabric I can only describe as delicious. It was so soft and lovely … to this day it makes my heart skip a beat. Too bad it was just a little too unforgiving around my jiggly bit region (I’m hibernating, fuck off) … so I passed. But the fabric … OH the fabric!

I tried on another that had an interesting design, and was a bit more baggy, which, hello, I thoroughly appreciate. The fabric was incredibly snuggly, and after quickly deciding I could live in said garment, I was sold. True, it was a little more than I was looking to spend, sure (details), but comfort has no dollar sign in my eyes. With a little more money, I didn’t have to give up style for the sake of a staple.

My love affair with turtlenecks is rather new, as I swore I would never wear them after years of rocking ones with seasonally appropriate symbols embroidered all over them (snowmen, leaves, pumpkins … thanks, Mom). But they really should be a staple in every woman’s closet. Like I said, if I could live in my new one, and it wouldn’t be gross or weird, I would. 

Here are some of my favorite turtleneck looks…


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I Non-basically Adore Fall

tumblr_lxdm5eTF7E1qlxupro1_500I find it thoroughly entertaining that now being “basic” and boasting about “basic things” is en vogue. Good for you, Ugg boot wearer who showers in pumpkin spice everything. If you like that shit and can’t wait to post a pic of you, “pumpkin picking with your bae,” good for you for owning it, finally, and not letting the haters kill your vibe. You know what I mean? 

And while I would rather be tickled to death until I peed my pants than go pumpkin picking, and, honestly, loathe all things pumpkin-related (unless it is a sugar cookie in the shape of a pumpkin … then we’ll talk), I do love me some fall. 

But for the non-basic girl, we’re kind of exiled from the season. Just because I don’t want to drink pumpkin beer with you and have a pumpkin carving contest whilst watching football doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects of the season that I effing die for. 

So to make a fair representation of all who love the fall season, basic or non-basic, here are some reasons why I’m more than happy to tip my cap to the humid and swamp-ass-filled months of summer. 

Horror Flicks: Do you know what I call a good time? My couch, blankets, snacks, my cat, and a good horror flick. Most are ridiculously bad. The others will keep you awake at night (for example the Human Centipede … good GOD). But I can’t think of a better time in the fall than getting the pants scared off of yourself in the comfort of your own home. 

Leathah: (Oh yeah, I said leathah) I bought a pair of leather leggings at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale back in July, and have been counting down the days until I can wear them without melting. So far, still a no go. But the idea of incorporating leathah back into my life from skirts, to pants, to shoes is making me want to squeal.

Halloween candy: It’s glorious. Instead of committing to one full-sized candy bar, you can sample a few bite-sized ones all at one time. (And all together they DEFINITELY do NOT make up more than one full-sized candy bar … :::shifty eyes:::)

Skulls: Okay some people go pumpkin crazed during the fall, I go skull crazed. I literally just spent a stupid amount of time looking for the perfect skull decor at Home Goods. While some may put them up only during Halloween, I found one that can and will stick around all day err day. 

Fashion is ACTUALLY a thing again: The name of the game this summer was, “wear as little clothing as possible so you don’t sweat to death/at the same time don’t look like a complete whore.” I believe I won said game. But fall fashion is where the real style comes out to play. The layers, and fabrics, and textures. While throwing on a maxi and a statement necklace is great and all, there is nothing like putting together a thoughtful and complex fall look. 

Stud pumpkins: I meant it when I said I will NEVER carve pumpkins with you. BUT, if you wanted to paint some pumpkins black and insert silver tacts into them to make cool designs … THEN we can talk. (Yeah … I made those below … jealous?)

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Pho Real: I’ve been craving Pho Ha since March. It has been torturous. But, then again, it’s been far too hot to even consider anything of the sort. And now that the air is a bit crisper, mama needs it. SHE NEEDS HER PHO. It’s so comforting and everything I love in life when it comes to food (yes … noodles and chicken … I’m SUCH a foodie). So if you ever want to go on a Pho date … I’m game. 

Less sweat, more snuggles: I’m not a heartless beast, I fucking LOVE to snuggle (mostly with my cat). Especially when it’s cold (see basic B’s … we have more in common than you think). But if you try to snuggle me during a heatwave, you will get the back of my hand. So the idea of coming home to snuggle and NOT having to immediately jump in the shower simply due to the fact that I sweated so much my bra is soaked (how about THAT visual boys … ooooh yeaaaahhhh), kind of makes me want to do a happy dance. 

So there you have it, kids. We can all love fall for our own reasons. But if I see one more meme or one more post about how the world is made from pumpkin spice tear drops, I may cut someone.

Drool With Me Now: Fall Fashion 2014

image1xxlOkay, I know we have a few more days until Labor Day, and I promised after bitching about the Polar Vortex last winter that I would do nothing but embrace every drop of sunshine and twirl in myriads of maxi skirts … but, yeah … I just made my first fall purchase. I couldn’t help it because I’m THAT ecstatic over summer getting the eff out of town. And yes, I truly intend to make out with said bag when he arrives at my doorstep, that is how much I adore him.

I’ve just had enough of sticky subways, makeup dripping down my face, and having to apply deodorant like three times a day, it’s unbecoming. And I want to punt my summer wardrobe. Listen, I’m not the girl who makes “mood boards” or “inspiration boards,” I have Pinterest for that shit. But the drool coming out of my mouth over fall fashion is excessive, to say the least. So I just had to share with you what I’ve been daydreaming about, right? Clearly.

1. Leather: Leather shoes, leather motorcycle jackets, leather shorts, leather underwear, leather all day err day (calm down, PETA, it will be faux or “hemp” leather … whatever is the politically correct way to rock leather)

11P10FBLK_normal2. New Over-The-Knee Boots: Oh yeah, they are still completely relevant and nothing brings me more joy than walking down the street in hooker boots “Pretty Woman” styley.


3. Capes: Ya gotta bring the drama every now and then, and quite frankly I’ve been lusting after them since Lupita dropped the Cape bomb at the Golden Globes last year.

Capture4. Fuuurrrrr: I already own a faux fur jacket … and that clearly was my gateway drug to more fur, because now all I want to do is add to my collection. And quite frankly the fur they showed during fashion week is on POINT (seriously PETA, settle, I couldn’t bare to skin my cat and wear her, so this, again, will be eco-friendly fur … chill)

30C01GBLK_normal5. Removing Color Completely: Not that I wear a lot of color to begin with, but I’m really going to make a conscious effort to only wear neutrals. Black, white, beige, maybe a camel. Then if I’m in dire need of color (yawn), I’ll throw in something like a merlot-colored tote bag or something.

2014-Black-White-Outfit-Combination-Ideas-136. Bucket Bag: I’ve been on the fence about these bad boys, as I couldn’t decide if this was a bad 80’s trend revamped or a classic staple. I’m still not quite sure, but anything stylish that I can carry my entire life in is something I want to take a spin in.

23015591_927. Chelsea Ankle Boots: Swoon. The boot game this season is fierce, and where to begin can seem overwhelming. Welp kids, you start here, with the classic Chelsea boot in black. God speed after that.

Capture8. Extreme turtlenecks: If the Farmers Almanack is right, this winter is going to be freaking cold. True … turtlenecks have been connected with prudes and squares in the past, but the dramatic thick turtle necks that I literally could hide in and hibernate is something I can get behind.


9. Novelty Prints: I gave up ironic t-shirts years ago, even though I did own the typical “Everyone Loves an Irish Girl,” shirt. Yes, I’m sick of seeing the overly ironic “Celfie” shirts, but I kind of like what some designers are bringing to the table … especially under an over-sized mens blazer. Mmm scrumtilescent.


10. Textures: I’m very basic when it comes to fabric … I’m mostly a cotton gal. That “Fabric of our Lives” commercial should totally check out my closet, although I refuse to sing. But this season I want to dip my feet in the season of velvet, silk, satin, lace, and everything in between … hell, throw felt up in this piece.