TEQUILA!

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Any holiday that condones consuming a specific type of alcohol … especially tequila … is a  favored holiday of mine!

Dress colorfully today, try to give the black outfits a rest. I know during Cinco I always get the urge to dress really colorful and festive. I actually feel like that anytime I’m drinking margaritas, but perhaps that is just the tequila speaking. If tequila needed to wear clothes, I just don’t feel like it would ever wear black.

When faced with a potential all day drinking fest, or a day of hopping from one party to another … we girls have to be prepared. Because I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t matter if I get Bobby Brown herself to do my makeup before I go out … by hour three of drinking I will look like a Mac truck hit me in the middle of a hurricane. Most people do … if you think you are one of the select few who don’t … well, my apologies for bringing you back down to where normal people exist. It is just a reality of life … own it. I sure as hell do!

But there are some precautions we can take to not slowly transform into a drunken hot mess:

1. Bring makeup with you. I don’t understand why girls hate carrying big bags with them. I feel naked without one. Big bags can hold your makeup case, and flats if you are rocking devil heels, which is absolutely CLUTCH when you start getting loose on the Goose. Trust me, you will want to make out with your big purse when you have a hot guy situation on your hands and know your makeup is in your purse to hide the fact that you may or may not look like a drunken beast. Big is the new small, always and forever.

2. Stop at Hydration Station here and there. When I’m focused on drinking, the last thing I want to see is a glass of water … BUT it is important. Water is beauty. Hydration is beauty. Not being a hung over sloth the next day … even MORE beautiful. So try to drink some water throughout the day. It will have you looking refreshed, together … and will keep you evenly boozed up. And think of it this way, your eyes will be a little less puffy tomorrow.

3. Dont. Cry. Ladies, keep me in the back of your mind: You aren’t fat. You aren’t ugly. Your friends don’t hate you … no matter what you think you did. You didn’t do anything wrong. The guy at the bar didn’t ignore you, he looks like a gargoyle anyways, you don’t want to talk to him. Someone out there loves you. Trust me, they do. That girl across the way isn’t giving you the stink eye. Your ex-boyfriend is a jackass … henceforth the “ex” in front of his former title … move on. Your friends ALL know how much you love them, no need to go into a sappy, love infused conversation about why and how much you love them. Don’t hug it out in the bar whilst crying. Sometimes people throw up when they drink too much, it’s really okay … get over it. You fell gracefully and rebounded like a champ after the fall … no need to dwell. AAAAAnnndd yeah … I think that covers all the basic reasons why girls cry whilst drinking. Also tears equals puffy eyes … so not hot right now.

4. Know your girlfriends are the best mirror. Everything is magnified and seems so genius whilst drinking. Texting old flames, dancing like a fool, calling old friends, hitting on unattractive people or entertaining unattractive people hitting on you, unfriending people on Facebook … ALL seems beautiful in the moment (not that I’ve done ANY of these things …. ::::cricket, cricket:::::) Trust your friends, ladies. You could be on the dance floor thinking you are Jennifer Gray in Dirty Dancing, but if your best friend tells you that you look more like Elaine Benes … believe her. If your best friend tells you to take off the beer goggles, believe her. If your best friend takes a shot away from you … believe her. If your best friend tells you your mascara is running and you look like God damn Ozzy Osbourne … believe her. Friends are there for a reason … don’t fight the truth.

5. Eat! Okay, so I know high school health class has pounded it into our heads that the only thing that cures being drunk is “time,” but I think that is a bit of hogwash. Eating helps. I’m not talking about eating like a slob after your drunk, I mean continuously eating all day/night so you don’t turn into that unattractive girl shoveling nachos in her face at 2 a.m. like the world would end if every single chip dripping in cheese didn’t end up your mouth. Awful. Don’t be that guy. A full stomach stops sloppy mess status. Then you can laugh/help other sloppy messes!

Most importantly, let your hair down and have some fun. It’s a super moon for the love of Christ! Drink tequila with great people and dance under the scary super moon … that is a direct order.

I’m off to go drink margaritas and beat the crap out of a unicorn pinata we’ve deemed Princess Sparkle Bomb (jealous?)

My Public Service Announcement: Ladies/Gents … NO DRINKING AND DRIVING! Your own bed isn’t THAT fantastic. You have all 365 days of the year to sleep in your own bed, save your life and the lives of innocent others, and save a cop from having to pull your ass over and ruin your life with a DUI and a night in a jail cell where you will spend it spooning a hooker whose gender is questionable named Spikey Loo by crashing somewhere safe (even if it is in your car … no judgement). Or just don’t sleep at all. Even better. Drink. God. Damn. Responsibly. I mean it. I’m watching you … well … not really … but in spirit!