Exposing Skin During A Christmas Heatwave


article-2339291-1A3F441B000005DC-786_634x472Does anyone else think the rapture is coming or is it just me? It’s God damn Christmas in two days and I just walked outside without a coat on. What? And the meteorologists are all like, “::::nerd voice::: record shattering temperatures …. GLAVIN!” No. Let’s be real, it’s the end of days, right? Like this isn’t normal. 

Besides that, what the fuck do you wear to Christmas? Not that I like to get all fancy pants in front of my fam (sorry guys, you know I look like a gargoyle deep down, the gig is up). But a girl wants to look at least presentable, right?

I tried to stay festive on Thanksgiving with my brown cable knit, turtle neck sweater, and you know what? I was sweating my balls off the entire time to the point where my aunt was like, “for the love of God, go change,” and I refused because dammit I was being festive! 

But if you follow me on social channels, you know I loathe being hot and sweating and that I want to start a one woman show called, “Die, Humidity, Die … COLON … I just sweated through my bra.” So therefore I no longer give a shit about looking festive. As much as I want to wear my fur snood, tights, and festive sweater (that I don’t own), I’m saying to hell with it. 

Instead, and brace yourselves for this one, mama is exposing her legs on Christmas Eve by wearing an awesome skirt I own, SANS TIGHTS. Oh yeah. It’s happening. I’m giving everyone advanced notice to shield their eyes from the pale and probably rather hairy (shush, it’s winter, my razor goes into hibernation) mess that is about to come out of hiding. But don’t worry, I’ll shave prior, I’m not that much of a beast … simmah.

It truly disturbs me more than you know that I have to expose parts of my body this time of year that normally are in hiding under bulky sweaters and very focused on getting fat. It’s horrific. Like my arms. I haven’t looked at my arms in weeks. I have no idea what the hell is going on over there, besides lack of muscle definition and see-through paleness. So yeah … nothing great, kids. 

So if you are bummed out about not being able to be festively chic this Christmas, I’m with you, truly I am. It sucks. But hey, if the end of times are really upon us, mine as well be comfy. So I say whip out your maxi dresses and skirts. It’s totally unnatural (I know), but it is better than being a hot sweaty mess while you’re eating your weight in carbs and drinking your weight in wine. 

What can I say, this Christmas we are all going to get a lot views of very pale giggly bits … 

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This Just In: It’s Not Christmas Time

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 2.12.18 PMOf course, typical me, Ms. “I’m not dressing up this year,” got the itch to turn herself into the devil early Saturday. With my fingers crossed, I walked into Rite Aid thinking there had to be SOMETHING devilish still available … right? 

Instead, I walked through the Halloween aisle to not find any goblins, ghouls, or ghosts … but instead … Santa Claus? Effing Santa Claus?! It was 1 p.m. on Halloween and kids hadn’t even started trick-or-treating. Yet I’m face-to-face with an arsenal of wrapping paper. 

Look, I love me some Christmas, I really do. You would have to be a cold-hearted snake not to want to get down with some Christmas. But when people talk about it starting in October, it makes me want to kick them … hard.

I get it, the Christmas season is a hectic time. But that doesn’t mean we get to extend its shelf life in order to make our lives “easier.” That’s just not real life. “Oooh, I don’t feel like making this deadline work. Let me bitch about it for another month just because I can.” Yeah. No. 

K-Mart commercials in October that play Christmas carols, telling me to put shit on layaway just because I can … again, makes me want to kick people … hard. Same with you, Starbucks. I still haven’t recovered from your Pumpkin Spiced bitch slap. Now you want me to indulge in “holiday flavors?” Can’t a girl OD on bite-sized candy in peace?!

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Instead of viewing Christmas as this war zone of hell where you are either battling crowds at the mall whilst sweating to death, or getting hammered with every person you have ever met in your life whilst eating an unimaginable amount of carbs, why don’t we all just take Christmas in stride. Shall we? 

We had a rule in my house growing up that we weren’t allowed to talk about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. It sucked as a kid, because all I wanted to do was skim through the Sears catalog and make a rad red and green Christmas list. 

But it was my parents way of saving themselves from the stress of having to review my obscene Christmas list too early (not my fault, I was under the impression Santa handled these tasks). And also, giving me something to look forward to. 

So people, what I’m saying is, let the months be what they are. October for scary shit. November for turkey and food comas. And December. The month of December. December 1-31, all about the holidays. Until then, put your ear muffs on and tune out the premature holiday nonsense. 

Because I don’t want to think about decking the halls, watching Home Alone (my favorite holiday film), or the stress of figuring out what Great Aunt Susie wants until my food coma and leftovers have dissipated after Thanksgiving. Got it?

Be in the now, people, be in the now. Keep your eye on the turkey for the next 30 days. Otherwise, prepare to be kicked … hard. 

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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like … Wait It’s November!

tumblr_ldacwv1dSV1qavyzyLast night I was minding my own business watching TV, relaxing, snuggling my cat … the usual … when all of a sudden Santa was ho-ho-ho-ing all over my damn screen. Umm, whaaa? And not only that, he showed up like 50 more times. And a few weeks back I was scanning radio stations and heard, for a split second, a Paul McCartney Christmas song, and almost crashed into the guard rail frantically trying to turn it off. Hmm, weird, I didn’t get the memo that the holidays were upon us so soon, … huh.

There is really nothing we can do about it. When advertisers say the holidays are here … they are here. I give it hours, or maybe another day, if I’m being generous, that stores start blasting Christmas tunes and turn their heat up to equator-style temps.
I’m personally not ready for this shit. It’s true … the older you get, the more holidays suck. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ Grinch, I’m saying it because the people who let the word “holidays” put mountains of useless stress on their shoulders is not only idiotic, but incredibly annoying to the people around you who just want to enjoy the holidays.

So instead of throwing shit at your TV every time you see Santa, or start freaking out staring at the list of people you have to buy for, I want you … no … I dare you to take a deep breath and read my thoughts below that have the potential to zen you the fuck out during the “craaaaaaazed holiday season” … for the love … now, ahem:

1. Remember … It’s The Season of Giving: That doesn’t mean strictly designer goods, kids. Stop buying out Neiman for a sec and finish reading what I’m saying. This can be everything from a $5 knick-knack that made you think of the person, your time, a donation to a charity, a hug, a kiss, a poem, a homemade dinner. Stop thinking the more you spend the better person you are. No one cares slash knows. I’m not organic, I don’t eat granola or wear Birkenstocks (not that there is anything wrong with it), but sometimes shit that comes from the heart means more than a designer tag.

2. Make Memories: My aunt was always so good with this. Instead of giving me a toy I would stop playing with in 2.5 seconds, she would buy me tickets to a play or plan an adventure for us. Her reasoning was because unlike a toy she would buy me, I would have that memory forever.

3. Gifts Are OPTIONAL … Not MANDATORY: My GAWD, just because it is Christmas doesn’t mean you literally have to buy everyone you have ever laid eyes on a present. I don’t know where people got this assumption, but it is false. It is a nice gesture and can brighten someone’s day … but not necessary all of the time. Instead maybe, say with your co-workers, decide you will do a happy hour, donate to a shelter, give time to a soup kitchen … something that will make everyone feel better that doesn’t involve spending hours and hours fighting angry crowds at the mall searching for the perfect knick-knack.

And there you have it, folks. It is as simple as thinking outside of yourself. And if you are a person that likes a lot of presents (I mean who doesn’t), stop expecting so much. I miss the days of thumbing through the Sears Holiday Catalog and writing down everything my heart desired in red and green for Santa to see, too. But now … in order to decrease stress and chaos through the holidays … simplify. Enjoy. Take in the lights and the decorations. Soak in every moment with your loved ones. Eat way too much food and be happy you did. Because that’s what it is about when you get too old to thumb through the Sears Holiday Catalog.