How To Say No To Being A Bridesmaid

HT_rihanna_ml_150421_16x9_992Last week I was reading an insanely interesting article on the Cut about two ladies who had been friends for years, and long story short, the one girl turned down the opportunity to be the other girl’s bridesmaid (definitely read the article, there is a lot more to the story … after you finish reading this masterpiece, of course). 

It ain’t like the old days where you would be drunk under a disco ball and your friend would be all, “stand next to me when I get hitched :::twirl, twirl, twirl:::!” And boom … it was done. Now, if you accept a bridesmaid proposal, which is usually a cake pop or something with a poem about “something something, I don’t want to throw shade … but please PLEASE be my maid!” (I would make an awesome bride, clearly). 

So what I’m about to say may shock some of you … but I’m doing it. Prepare yourself. Take a shot of vodka or something … because here goes: I think it is 100% okay to politely turn down the request of being a bridesmaid. And I think the bride-to-be, when presented with the right back up support of why you are turning down said request, should be 100% okay with that. You have a life, and shit to accomplish, and things to buy, and vacations to take, and cats to adopt. Adding being in a wedding to that mix can really stifle your life without you even knowing it.

This takes balls, mind you. But at the end of the day, it’s a rather large commitment and job. And no, “I don’t want to be in your wedding because I want to smack your future husbands face,” is not a legitimate reason for saying no to a bridesmaid request. Sorry, kids. Dudes suck sometimes, and your friends marry them … it happens. 

So here they are, respectable reasons why you can say no to being in a wedding party. Better said then done, I know, but it will save you a LOT of drama, a lot of bitching, and a lot of shit you just don’t need in your life, if you so feel this way. Ahem … 

Money: They say an average bridesmaid will spend about $1,000 … at least. And these bitches want money up front. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your fellow bridesmaids, “hey … I can’t afford this shit, can we figure something else out?”

The solution?: Politely explain to the bride you’re in a financial bind and don’t think you could appropriately contribute to the costs of being a bridesmaid, and you’re afraid you will let the other girls down. A good friend will understand and probably still have you in the wedding. If she gives you shit, say “BYE FELICIA” and walk away … that isn’t a friend. Period. 

Level of Friendship: While asking someone to be a bridesmaid is a big decision, saying yes is another. Think about it … how close are you to this girl? Do you talk every day, every week, every month, at least? Does she know what’s going on in your life and vice versa … or does she just want to say, “oh I have my childhood BFF in my wedding party”? Ladies, ask the people near and dear to your heart. They say you can count your true friends on one hand, and it is a scientific fact.

The solution?: If the girl asking doesn’t know who you are dating, where you are working, and hasn’t really been there for you (vice versa) say no. Blame it on anything … the rain, who cares. Just tell her, “hey, I love you, but I just don’t think I will be able to fully and appropriately commit to the duties of a bridesmaid right now because of what is going on in my life … and that isn’t fair to anyone. I hope you understand and know I want to be there for you through your pre-nuptial journey.” This may be the straw that breaks the friendships back … but if you felt your friendship was on its way to demise … why does it matter? And if it DOES matter to you, suck it up and say yes, freak!

Time: Everyone is SO busy, right?! Ahhh, life. Well … seriously, we all have busy lives. And being a bridesmaid takes time … whether you are attending a “brain trust summit” of how to shower the bride at someone’s house, or responding to endless Gmail chains of idiotic nonsense … you have to be present … mind, body, spirit … all of it. It’s like being a cheerleader, YAY MARRIAGE … (barf)

The solution?: If your schedule is overwhelmed and you’re overwhelmed … do not commit to being a bridesmaid. You will lose your fucking mind. Trust. Again, explain the situation. “I’m trying to make partner at my firm, or I’m building my own business and it REALLY needs my 100% attention, attention that I will not be able to give to your wedding, and that isn’t fair to you at all.” It’s selfish. 100%. So if you have the balls to go ahead with this, God speed. But, at the end of the day, the world doesn’t stop turning just because your friend decided to get married. You can be there for her and support her without wearing matching dresses with other broads you barely know. People forget that. But always consider your friendship before making such a drastic decision. Clearly.

*Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra takes no responsibility for the demise of friendships after the above has been put forth. 

Real Talk: Bridesmaids Dresses

27-dressesPreface: If I have participated in your wedding as a bridesmaid, or one day you were planning on asking me to be your bridesmaid, this legit has NOTHING to do with you. Your weddings, future weddings were and will be forever and ever lovely and it was an honor to be apart of them slash WILL be an honor to be apart of them. There.

This is about bridesmaid dresses, the bridesmaid dress industry, and the people who sell them. First, and most importantly, what a rip off. I’ve found, that as a seasoned bridesmaid, the minute you walk into a bridal boutique to shop bridesmaids dresses … you are going to get shook down by some bully in a skirt suit who will take her pretty little tape measure and get your sizing completely wrong (which I think is on purpose), but will tell you it’s right because “she’s a professional.” I’m like a size 22 in bridal boutique world … what … the … fuck. Oh also, girls over 5’8 need “extra length” added to their dress ALWAYS, which is a damn dirty lie, too.

Now if you are the type of bride who is in it to make your bridesmaids look like absolutely shit because it’s “your day dammit,” why? Seriously, no one gives a flying fuck about the bridesmaids besides the single dudes at the wedding. Also, bride, are you paying for their dresses? If so, go to town, make them look like a clown school exploded all over them, but if you’re not, that means you’re making them spend their hard earned money, and a lot of it, on an ugly dress they will wear once. ONCE. Is that what girlfriends do to one another? Not in my house. I’ve had the pleasure of being in two weddings where the bride was open to our opinions and made sure the dress complimented each bridesmaids body type. Hell, the last wedding I was in, the bride let us pick out the damn dress. Now THAT is friendship.

As women, dress shopping should be fun. You know what’s not fun? Walking into a bridal boutique where bridesmaids dresses are shoved so tightly onto a rack you literally have to roll up your sleeves and dive in to awful shades and styles until you find a diamond in the rough. The whole experience is pretty heinous, I gotta say.

And why, dear God why, do they only have sample sizes. You walk into Bloomies, Saks, and you see racks and racks of lovely dresses in a multitude of sizes. And if they don’t have your size, they can ship it to you … what?! Some sales person doesn’t get all up in your bidness in the dressing room, literally seeing you naked and strapping you into some weird sample dress that 1,500 other girls have worn and clamping it closed with a binder clip only to get the wrong sized dress to you four months later. Could you imagine falling in love with a Monique Lhuillier dress at Bloomies and having to wait four months to get it?

Brides, think outside of the bridesmaid dress bubble. I know it’s tradition … blah, blah, blah, but it’s 2014 for crying out loud. I’m over seeing the same dress again and again in different colors rolling through my Newsfeed (you know the strapless number I’m talking about, see below. We should all get together and wear these dresses at a party while we drink wine and eat french fries).


I can’t believe I’m saying this, but J. Crew has done some really innovative shit with bridesmaids dresses, because they are legit wearable again, not the whole, “OMG girl, you could TOTES shorten it and wear it again!” Listen, when people say that to me, it makes me want to head butt them … and I don’t do that. You can NEVER alter the typical bridesmaids dress. Why? Because those dresses are made from material that if a bridesmaid got too close to a flame, they would be done for.

Think about a bridesmaid dress as an investment piece for the girls you so specifically picked out to stand beside you as you take a huge and monumental step into the future. Actually get something they can wear again! Dresses should be fun and should make women feel amazing and special … even if it isn’t “their day.” But if you are in it to make them look meh, I have no idea why you would even ask them to be apart of your party, to be honest. It’s just rude and awful.

Now THIS is how bridesmaids dresses are done. BOOM. :::Drops mic:::


The Cinderella Effect

I knew this was going to happen. With all of the months of planning and anticipating this wedding, I knew I would blink and it would be over. And here I am post-wedding glow and kind of like, “did that just happen?”

Listen, I am, for the most part, a very modest person. I rarely ever give myself props for looking good, I don’t like to show-off great outfits, I blush and get very uncomfortable when people give me compliments … I am kind of quiet in that sense. But Saturday morning after I got my hair and makeup did … it may have been the best I’ve ever looked in my life. In fact, I have to give props to Suede Salon in Marlton, New Jersey. Not only did they make me look and feel like a Kardashian … but they hit it out of the park with the entire bridal party … especially the bride, my best friend, who looked stunning. Seriously, I was waiting for one out of six girls to have either bad hair or tranny-chic makeup … but all of us looked beautiful in our own ways. If you live around this area, I highly recommend this salon … and that is saying a lot since we know my trust issues with hair and makeup people.

But I thought I would share with you some lessons I learned during my role as a bridesmaid: Ahem, …

1. Spray tans aren’t as bad as I thought. I was beyond uncomfortable having to get partially naked in front of a complete stranger, but it turns out, this was a high-class salon, these people are professionals and I’m a paranoid freak. And now I’m kind of obsessed with being tan.

2. Life sucks in a strapless dress, too. Our bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous. But even though I got it altered, it still just kept wanting to fall down all night. That is the nature of the saucy strapless dress. Yet I was completely suffocated by the corset that was on the inside. I even applied fashion tape around my chest area (I know I’m getting really graphic here), and not only did the tape not work, showed in certain pictures because my dress kept falling down, but when i went to remove the tape from my skin, it took off my spray tan so now I have really awkward marks. Another example why my blog title is so damn accurate.

3. Jumping pictures in four-inch heels … not fun. At. All. After a long day of standing at alters, mingling, saying hi to people, meeting people for the first time, waiting around, salivating over cocktails, taking bazilions of pictures … the last thing you want to hear when wearing 4 inch heels in the heat, in the grass mind you, is that we will be taking a jumping picture. Awkward, unnecessary and completely cheesy. Times like these I’m glad things like vodka bars were invented.

4. You will not get drunk if you are a bridesmaid. Maybe I’m just easily distracted … no, I absolutely am easily distracted. So if you think you are going to get crunk at da reception … think again. Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough, I don’t know, but at least I didn’t wake up with a hangover, right?

5. You will not want to go to bed once the wedding is finished. Why? Because you’ll know the minute you hit the pillow your beautiful gown will be off, and your fabulous hair and makeup will turn back into a pumpkin in a sense. I got my makeup airbrushed on and it was thoroughly amazing. I knew I was going to bed looking like Kate Middleton on her wedding day and would wake up looking like a gothic freak who lives in an attic and likes to stare at fire for funsies.