What To Wear Whilst Meeting Mr. Grey

CaptureOkay, as a writer and a huge nerdy fan of so many brilliant writers of the past, I hate to admit this. Really I do. But … I read all three Fifty Shades of Grey books. Sigh.

They were like crack. You knew they were bad books, I mean they were littered with grammatical errors. But you couldn’t help but gab to your girlfriends about the plot and the crazy shit that happened, like what went down with Christian and Anastasia in the bathroom scene (if you read it YOU know what I’m talking about … mmm hmm).

I remember when the Sex and the City movie came out. Sitting in a movie theater filled to the brim with straight up estrogen, and that one lonely dude whose idiot girlfriend dragged him there. Women put on their finest stilettos to pay homage to the queen of all fashionistas, Carrie Bradshaw, over-sized flowers and all. If we could have been sipping cosmos, we would have.

So it makes me think, what in holy hell will women wear to see Fifty Shades? Because this is a “see it with your ladies” kind of movie ONLY. If you see it with anyone else, you’re a damn fool. I hate the fact my mother even KNOWS I read the books, for Christ’s sake.

I mean, Anastasia was a pretty vanilla, Converse-wearing, boring chick until Christian threw some Manolos and really expensive lingerie at her. And Christian basically wore the same uber expensive suit day-in and day-out … unless he was in his “play room” (rar). So you can’t really have a Rocky Horror Picture Show moment and dress as your favorite character. Unless your favorite character is the third star in the movie, S&M.

I’m going to see the movie Friday with my other intelligent girlfriends who foolishly read the books and used one another as a safe place to discuss them endlessly. And a part of me wants to wear all leather just for funsies. I mean edgier looks are quite in-style. For example I walked into Zara this weekend thinking the image below was a necklace, and turns out it was belt. But nowadays, who can tell? If that doesn’t scream “I’m a freak-a-leek” (remember that song) I don’t know WHAT does.


Listen, I haven’t let myself read one review on the movie, because I know for a fact it is going to suck, and I want the suck to be a surprise. Henceforth why my friends and I will be indulging in copious amounts of cocktails beforehand in hopes it will make the movie spectacular. And unlike the Sex and the City movie, we may bring flasks. And who knows, maybe I’ll bring some fake whips just for funsies. They sell fake whips at Five Below, right?

Who Is Anastasia Steele?

Hi my name is Kate and I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole known as “50 Shades of Grey.” This book honestly should come with a pop up support group. It is contagious. My best friend turned me on to it (no pun intended), and in the past two days I’ve gotten two of my friends at work reading it … which they are probably in a haze of Grey right now.

Let me be clear. This might be one of the worst fiction phenomenons I’ve EVER read. EVER. Sentences don’t make sense, there is absolutely no plot and the character of Anastasia Steele is so flat and idiotic that is it infuriating. As a writer and editor … I cringe at myself for reading this nonsense. She is constantly talking to her “inner goddess” and giving herself mental hive fives for doing idiotic things someone graduating college SHOULD be doing, for the love of Christ. But why is almost every American woman reading this? Well … we all secretly, or not so secretly, want a Christian Grey in our lives. I know I do. So there it is … I’ve said it.

So I’m a VERY visual person. And, well, if you haven’t heard already … this novel is QUITE graphic. So while my eyes skim the plotless life of Anastasia Steele …  I can’t help but think who would play her in the potential movie they are making. I have a pretty clear picture of who would play Christian Grey. But Anastasia Steele is a harder character to cast. She is apparently stunning, sexy, irresistible. Yet seems incredibly inexperienced in life and slightly idiotic. Book smart, sure … but street smarts is where she lacks. “Do I have email? What?” She also seems to have a tom-boyish style, not really giving too much thought to fashion and lusting over her roommates apparent fabulous wardrobe. Simple halter dresses and camisole tops? Like “oooh let me take off your camisole and jean skirt babe.” Hi … not sexy. You’re dating a gorgeous, smart, cultured, bazillionaire … get your shit together, Ana.

Now after some thought and contemplation over who would play Anastasia’s role with friends who are reading the book … I think we have some great candidates. Because the Anastasia Steele who would be in MY “50 Shades of Grey” the movie would still be stunning and irresistible. Fine .. she can still be a nitwit lacking in the street smarts arena … but she will be a fashion plate … dammit. I mean we are going to want movie-goers to WANT to be her and not because of Christian. And Christian Grey deserves Chanel … not Aeropostale.

So if by any chance a Hollywood producer wants my opinion on what fashionable movie star could play her … here are my thoughts, ahem:

Rooney Mara: I like her … even though I hear she is a bit of a pill. But she is a method actress, owns the role. But home girl needs to mold herself back into her Social Network look … because right now I feel like she could potentially play the dominant role … which Christian wouldn’t appreciate at all. She would get her ass beat in the Red Room of Pain. So settle down there, girl. Say no to the black mohawk and yes to the mousey brown hair.

This Rooney Mara …











Not this Rooney Mara …











Elizabeth Olsen: I’m going to be honest with you … I’ve never seen a drop of her work. Love her sisters … don’t know much about her. Let’s darken her hair because I see Ana as a brunette, lose the red lips, and keep the stylish clothing. This is a girl who knows what to do with a Macbook but MIGHT not know what to do in the bedroom. It’s perfection.











Mia Wasikowska: You might remember her from such films as Alice in Wonderland (which I adore). She seems soft-spoken and laid back if anything. We need to make her a little more neurotic … a little less hippy-chic. She looks like a girl who could live in her thoughts like Ana does. Keep the soft makeup, splash her with some chic looks and she might be a good candidate.











My vote is for Social Network-style Rooney Mara.

And so help me, Jesus. If they cast Kristen Stewart … I will personally create an event to burn every SINGLE one of these awful novels. I would use my PR connects to make it national news in fact. She. Cannot. Act. Stop trying to make her happen … it isn’t going to happen.

Also, same goes for Chloe DesChanel. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. It is bad enough she has tainted Apple with her idiotic hipster ways … but not this book. Nope. NOT up in here.

Side Note: If you find this novel to be as awfully addictive as I do … you NEED to read this fabulous Tumblr called “50 Shades of Suck.” Basically, this fantastic woman says all the things we longed to say whilst reading. Tip of the cap to you my friend … well done.