(why)Y Are Dresses So Ugly Right Now?!

8f0c7e79da7ede9d2a1185d25c4fc39eI have a holiday party on the horizon, and even though I have a solid 3 options currently sitting in my closet, I decided to take to the interwebs in search of “the perfect dress.” 

You know what I mean when I say “perfect dress” right? That dress you imagine yourself in, walking into rooms, making people gasp at your beauty, and twirling the night away. You know, that dress that DOES. NOT. EXIST. Am I the only one that builds this amazingly stunning dress in their brain only to find it doesn’t exist or costs $5,000? Because it’s fucking infuriating. 

Anywho … back to my search on the interwebs. 

My perfect dress could not be found. Hence why cardinal rule of dress buying is if you see one that you really like, even if you don’t need it, BUY. IT. Because a dress should make a woman feel like a woman (man, I have this strong urge to listen to Shania Twain…). Make you feel like Beyonce with a side of Britney and a touch of Gaga. 

But you know what I did find? Ugly. Lots of it. In bulk. I don’t know who decided the 90’s were violently back in and nothing else, or that vagina’s should be invited to holiday parties, too, but my GAWD, people. My eyes!

As a good fashion blogger, I should probably share with you all the cool looks for the holiday’s and where to find them, but fuck that. I have to share with you this heinousness that we as women have to be exposed to because it’s too funny not to share. 

So laugh slash cringe with me, won’t you? 

Tell me, why did this stylist feel the need to throw a white T under a long satin dress? Oh that’s right … because apparently it is 1995 and I didn’t get the memo. Duh. 

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-05-14-pm

If you wear this and someone offers you a bottle full of milk, do NOT be surprised. Because you look like an oversized baby, and you can thank good ol’ Urban Outfitters for that disaster. 

40609273_050_b

It is totally cool to not wear pants in the privacy of your own home. Pants sucks. But when you get the urge to not wear pants out in public, or, I don’t know, say a holiday party, fight it. Fight it hard. Pants in public, kids, pants in public. :::The More You Know star swipe:::

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-08-25-pm

Number 1: That dress is see through. Number 2: the solve for said see through dress is not a cotton gray top over a pair of skinny black denim pants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Dear H&M, fire your stylists. Like IMMEDIATELY.

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-10-13-pm

If I was going to a party that was located in my bedroom, with a reservation at a table that was my bed, and Netflix as my date, then fuck yes, dress of the year. Otherwise … holy sweater bag dress, Batman. 

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-12-10-pm

Aaaaaaand apparently my vagina and ass were invited to this party. Seriously, Urban Outfitters, go home, you’re drunk. 

40416299_001_b

Sweet mother… bib overall dress, you guys. No no no … BIB. OVERALL. DRESS. Bib overall dress. BIB OVERALL DRESS! I can’t. I really just … nope. I got nothing. :::bangs head against wall:::

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-14-52-pm

If I have any desire to just say, “fuck it, I’m drinking the Kool Aid,” this is the dress I would wear to my cult initiation. 

8534857401_1_1_1

Da fuck?

2731264800_2_4_1

Did I accidentally spike my Diet Coke with acid or did this stylist think it was a cool idea to drape a backless cropped turtle neck sweater over a prom dress that a cast member of 10 Things I Hate About You wore?

8320809713_2_2_1

Whoreville, population one. 

0094_09349312_0962_f23

What Do We Do? The 2016 Presidential Election

I really was so above and beyond excited to sit here and write this post about how honored and thrilled I am to have a woman FINALLY elected president. I was going to talk about how I was probably still drunk from celebrating, and how my keyboard was covered in happy tears.

Welp, my keyboard is covered in tears, but they ain’t happy

Sigh. 

I haven’t had words for the majority of the day. I just have this horrific hallow feeling. Almost like I’m in mourning, which if any of you have ever mourned, is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. I just feel robbed. Depleted. And sad. Super sad. 

If any of you follow me on social media, or know me, you know how obsessed I am with Hillary Clinton. She has her flaws, and she may not be the coolest girl in the room, but Jesus is she inspiring and smart and just, well, so violently qualified to run this country. 

:::Sobs/blows nose:::

So the big thing now is where do we go? What do we do when we don’t want to get behind a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, sexual assault offender as our commander-in-chief? (I’m sorry I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say the words that rhyme “Shmresident Lump). 

The truth is I honestly don’t know. A huge part of me feels like he will never be my president, because I know deep down in my being that he will never change. I mean, I could be totally wrong. I also thought America wouldn’t be stupid enough to elect him, and, welp, here we are, kids.

One thing I do know is the like-minded people I met during the Clinton campaign are still here. Whether it was at the DNC, at a bar, at my work … it was just so refreshing to see such smart, like-minded people come together to trump hate and stand on the right side of history (that unfortunately did not prevail).

We all got Trumped, HARD, but our voices did not. And we need to remind ourselves of that. 

I see so many of my friends, mostly female and from the LBGTQ community, worried, even sick about their future, and it breaks my heart. Fuck, I’m scared. Like do I have to quit my job, marry an investment banker, and learn how to bake!? I DO NOT WANT TO. AH.

I have family members who are on Obamacare now worried that they won’t be insured come 2017. This shit is REAL

Look, we are all entitled to deal with this loss the way we wish. If you’re pissed, be pissed. If you want to “be united” and “more forward,” please do so. Me? I want to eat carbs and watch Hillary Clinton’s concession speech over and over again and cry on my couch. Do you. Just STAPH preaching on Facebook about how people should deal. It’s annoying as fuck and no one cares. 

Hillary may not have won, but I’m standing with my ladies, with my LGBTQ community, minorities, and to all the people who feel like their livelihood is in danger. Because I am one of those people. Know that we are the one’s that make America great … fuck we make America FANTASTIC. Period. 

And if “Shmresident Lump” can’t get behind us, well then, I guess I’m going to live in my little bubble where love is love, walls aren’t a thing, equal rights exist, acceptance prevails, women can do the same thing as men, if not more, and men don’t sexually assault women and get rewarded for it. I’m okay with living in that bubble the next four years. I really am. 

Hillary … my sweet, sweet Hillary :::sobs:::. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for making me feel like I can achieve anything I put my heart and soul into. Thank you for making me care about politics again. To me… you shattered that glass ceiling.

And girl, I hope you are taking a BOSS vacation. Like I hope your team rented you an island and you have a staff at hand that can just cook you amazing dinners, bring you tropical cocktails around the clock, and wait on you hand and foot. HIRE INA GARTEN. YAAS. You deserve it. Look if you need me to plan this glorious vaca for you, I will be happy to do so. Call me, we’ll have cocktails. 

So there you have it. If you want to cry, bitch, scream, sob … you know where to find me on the social channels, yo. I love you all. Dearly. You know who you are. 

Sigh. 

love-and-kindness