Screen Shot 2016-09-07 at 10.59.04 AMSo I bet all five of you reading this have been frantically clicking on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra every day being all, “why hasn’t there been a post in almost a month!” “Did she quit?!” “Does life no longer suck in a strapless bra and I didn’t get the memo?!” 

No. No no no. I didn’t quit nor will I ever (this thing will be a relic for my great great great grandchildren to make fun of). Life will forever and always suck in a strapless bra … don’t get it twisted. 

And why haven’t I posted in almost a month? Welp, to be completely honest, writer’s block is a real thing, and it blows. Badly. Really badly. Maybe almost equally to a strapless bra. And you know what? Mama needed a break. And that’s okay. So to all five of you freaks, calm the fuck down. I’m here for all your snarky commentary about life and style forever and always. 

Now let’s get down to brass tax. Because everyone and their mother has been posting pics of their kids going “back to school” (no idea why I felt the need to put that in quotes), it made me think of how every first week back they made you write a, “what did you do over summer break” essay. Which made me reflect upon the good ol’ summer of 2016. 

I would probably title my essay, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Yes. Completely and utterly cliche, but devastatingly accurate. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. I had some amazing experiences that will leave a mark on me forever, aaaaand some I have bolt locked away in a dust-covered box in the back of my mind that says, “do not touch under any circumstances, bitch.” But hey, as is life. 

So I apologize for my absence. Truly. This blog is my life and my happiness, and I’m refreshed and ready to get weird. So let’s check out some fun lessons I learned over this past summer, shall we?

1. Family and friends are super important and give you life (I mean, duh). Keep your circle tight, keep it small, keep it honest. Be thankful for them and tell them how much you care on the reg. Do it. 

2. Wine in a can is a thing and it’s glorious and my new favorite way to drink alcohol. Don’t ask questions, just try it. And, oh yeah, you’re welcome.

3. Be kind. To everyone you come across, because at the end of the day you have no idea what they are going through. 

4. That as women we can do anything we fucking put our minds to (shout out to Hillary Clinton). I had the pleasure of attending the DNC the night she accepted the nomination, and I cried, and laughed, and hugged strangers. And it was amazing. It was like the first time in history I didn’t loathe being around lots of people. 

5. Speaking of amazing women, this quote by Michelle Obama: “When they go low, we go high.” 

6. How important it is to embrace your flaws and own them AND be able to laugh at them. For example, I now have no issue posting things on Facebook like, “I’ve been wearing my skirt backwards all day, HAPPY MONDAY!”

7. That I actually like to cook and have been using it as a creative outlet lately. If you told me I would be doing this five years ago I would have said, “bitch, please” and flipped my hair like an asshole. Oh how things change.

8. SPANX underneath a dress in the summer equals death. If you don’t like my giggly bits, I don’t like you. 

9. Your gut is almost always right. And isn’t afraid to do the “I told you so” dance. You’re going to not want to listen to it. You’re going to want to tell it to shut the fuck up. But it’s going to tell you stuff you don’t want to hear, but need to hear and embrace. Listen to it, for the love. 

10. That people will try to rip you apart. Kick you while you’re down and then sprinkle salt in the wound just for the hell of it, no matter what kind of person you are. While we can’t change those people, it is all about rising above it all, and surrounding yourself with the positive ones. The ones that make you pee your pants laughing. Get your drunk for no reason and create epic days/nights with. Who will do literally anything for you. I’m so thankful for those people otherwise I would most likely be in a gutter somewhere singing to stray cats. 

Rising Above The Mean

tumblr_nl7l03KF5d1uo8okwo1_500I think I loathe the word “bullying” due to the Real Housewives franchise. “Lisa VanderPump called me a bitch behind my back to all the other girls and now everyone hates me. Why am I being bullied :::chugs bottle of Rose, vomits into Celine purse:::?!?!” 

I thought the term “bullying” was left next to the monkey bars when we graduated from school. Never in my adult existence did I think people in their 20’s, 30’s, or 40’s would be walking around getting verbally victimized by awful people trying to make themselves feel better by pulling others down. But alas, here we are.  

But I’m not here to tell you to not “bully” others, because as grown adults, if you have to be told to not be shitty to your fellow human, well then, Google a good psychiatrist, I’m sure they can work wonders on you. 

As cliche as it is, this is one of my all-time favorite quotes that I think about regularly: “everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” It’s not something I would ever put on a mug and drink tea out of, but it just stays with me. 

Simply because I have suffered from anxiety since I was little. When the insane worries are clawing at you from the inside out and there is nothing you can do to make it stop. When you want to just enjoy yourself, but the anxiety keeps pulling you back down. But you have to sit there, smile, and keep going … because as adults, what other options do we have? 

All people see are the smiles, jokes, and how well I’m put together. What people don’t see is when sometimes my heart constantly races and all I want to do is cry. I know those feelings all too well, therefore I can’t help but be sympathetic to others that could potentially be feeling the same way. Because I know one mean comment, or unjustifiable jab could cause me to spiral. And quite frankly, that’s just not an option for me. Because God dammit, I’m strong :::punches fist in air awkwardly::::.

It’s so easy to spread rumors, call people fat, ugly, stupid, a whore. But that person you insulted for no justifiable reason could be dealing with body image issues, or may have low self esteem. For example I sometimes slash always think I’m fat/overweight (I mean who doesn’t have those moments), so I don’t need the freakin’ peanut gallery sharing their thoughts on the topic, thanks. 


That person you are berating with mean comments could be hanging on by a thread. You just never know. 

I know I’m coming off like a saint who is holier than thou and who has never done a bad thing in her life. Wrong. Completely wrong. I hate most people (kidding, kind of, sort of …) and I adore talking shit. Especially when I’m mad. Hi, I’m human. But when I do, I try to keep it to myself because I don’t want to be the reason that person has a shitty day, cries themselves to sleep, or does something unimaginable to themselves. 

Struggles don’t end when you become an adult, and apparently either does being ruthlessly mean for no reason. I’m sure I’ll be dealing with mean girls even when I’m in an old folks home doing synchronized swimming (#lifegoals)

The only way to respond is through kindness. Throw that anger and sadness you have from the mean person into something positive, like sending a compliment to your fellow lady. I adore supporting other women. I really do. And in a selfish way, giving compliments to others makes me feel amazing. So I encourage all of you to compliment someone. Do it. It’s like Xanax in word form, trust. 

So to all five of you out there reading this who have been personally victimized by some woman/man with nothing better to do with his/her time then to bring you down, I feel you. I’ve been there. But keep your head up. We’re adults. Acts that are traditionally committed in a playground setting have no room in my life, nor in yours. Remember that.

And next time you want to take an unjustifiable or justifiable jab at someone for the hell of it, say it with me now, “everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” 

Be kind, for the love of fuck. 

Ps. I dedicate this post to Amy Poehler and Tina Fey because they are my idols and are everything I want to be as a woman.