Shame Me: I Bought A Kylie Lip Kit

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-12-14-30-pmI’m writing this post with my head down, covered in shame and disgust. I want ALL of you to know this. I hate myself just a little bit right now. 

:::sigh::: I purchased a Kylie Lip Kit :::shakes head::: Don’t look at me. 

Why? Well, I’ll be honest with you. I was drinking too much wine with my good friend, tried hers, and loved the color. I also tried to steal it (and failed). With all the hype, I couldn’t help but be curious. 

I was under the assumption these lip kits were so exclusive still. Like no one could get their paws on them, hence why I almost had a heart attack when I heard she had one (or maybe it was the alcohol… hmm). Like wasn’t her website crashing every other day due to demand a minute go? Or am I living in March of 2015? 

Turns out they aren’t exclusive anymore. Any slob can go onto her dumb website and buy any of the “normal” colors. If you want blue lips, though, you’re shit out of luck, ya freaks. 

So I pulled the trigger and got the KOKO K gloss. Sigh. I mean I can’t honestly deal with my life decisions. 

When it arrived at my house, my first reaction was, “what the fuck is this packaging?” It was a crappy, non-descript black box. No logo, no branding. I mean anything could have been in this damn box. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! For $17 per gloss, perhaps you could swing for more jazzy packaging, Kyles. No?


I opened the stupid box and was greeted with a large and in charge “KYLIE.” But I’ll give her this much, her branding is on point. So kodos to the rad designer who created her logo, because God knows it wasn’t Kylie Jenner. 


Then I gracefully lifted up the styrofoam, unenthused, only to find a postcard of a Kylie Jenner mugshot? In a Louis Vuitton head wrap and taas out and about? And her seductively holding a name plate that said “KINGKYLIE”? Will someone PLEASE tell me what any of this has to do with lip gloss? Please. 


I was so confused, and horrified, and couldn’t help but say to myself, “why in the blazing fuck did I waste over $20 on this dumb shit?” 

And then I turned the postcard over. There I found a note that looked like it was written by a child who was trying to work on her penmanship. Written, of course, by Ms. Kylie Jenner. I couldn’t help but wonder how many morons actually thought she had handwritten this note specially for them.

Also her punctuation on the note was 50 shades of fucked, so immediately I wanted to set fire to it. Kylie, you missed a period, dammit! “Let” should be initial CAP. AND there really isn’t a need for an ellipsis there. ARGH. Instead, I just threw it on the ground and kept going. I wanted my gloss, dammit. 


When I got to the gloss, and applied it to my lips, it was the most anti-climactic moment of life. It was just lip gloss. That’s all it was. My mind wasn’t blown. It never dried like it claimed to (my lips looked all juicy … VOM). And it didn’t stay on extra long. The minute my lips touched my wine glass it was coming off. 

And, upon contrary belief, one application did not turn me into a Kardashian. Shucks.

Color-wise it was pretty and looked nice on me, that’s for sure. And I mean, it didn’t smell weird? I really don’t know what else to say about it. 


All I know is I’m pretty sure you can find a better product, for a better price, and not pay over $8 in shipping. In fact I just got a great matte lip gloss from Ulta for $9. Check it. I even think they do a buy one, get one dealio. Aye, aye, aye, aye. 

The joke is on me, really. I just gave the Kardashian klan some of my hard-earned money, only to buy a lip gloss that I’m actually embarrassed to put on in public. Seriously. I mine as well be doing secret lines of coke on the train, but no, just applying my Kylie Lip Kit, don’t mind me! 

I can honestly say in this instance, curiosity DID almost kill the Kate. 

Why I’m Voting For Hillary Clinton

fcd2d4a962648dd631f26ab4f7e83dc7Preface: The Clinton campaign did not sponsor this post. This is my opinion and mine alone. You are entitled to yours, so before you start throwing pitch forks at me, remember I said that. 

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been so “politically charged” on social media lately. At first I was offended, but then realized, yep 96.7% of my social media content either has to do with cats or people who piss me off on my commute to and from work. Really no contesting that.

But yes, I have been rather “politically charged” lately. I mean how could you not be, especially if you have a vagina. And if you’re not, in the wonderful words of Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton, “bish, ya cray!” 

I am so proud to be sitting here as a woman in 2016 with rights, and a career, and a platform like this blog to write whatever the fuck I want without fear of getting burned at the stake.

Could you imagine if this was the 1950s?! 29. Single. Childless. With a career?! I would have been considered the lonely spinster lady who should probably be given lithium and committed. “Don’t go near Old Lady Kate’s house, kids, I hear she has 40 cats and builds forts out of crackers,” they would say about my 29-year-old single ass. 

Now it’s 2016 and we have a woman running for one of the most important jobs in ze world (every time I say “in the world” I have to talk like Celine Dion, sorry). But I don’t want you to think I’m voting for her just because of her anatomy or because “it’s time.”

There are so many reasons why I’m voting for her, and yes, some have to do with the fact that I believe as women, we can do anything men can do. And that it is a COMPLETE abomination that this is such a big deal that a “poor lil lady” is running for such a big job. GASP.

But most importantly, I’m voting for her because she is educated, smart, and has the experience to run this country. Bottom line. 

I have zero interest in being her friend (although if she’s interested in grabbing some tea or cocktails and chatting, I’m always available, Hillary, I love you. Hi.). I don’t want to read her emails. And I don’t want to see her health records, because quite frankly, we could all drop dead at any minute, so it doesn’t fucking matter. 


So you can understand how angry I get when people say things like, “she’s a bitch.” “I can’t relate to her.” “She’s cold.” “She’s shady.” Okay, we aren’t electing our next best friend, here. This isn’t enter to become Paris Hilton’s next BFF (Jesus Christ, remember that nightmare?)

I don’t want to relate to her. Because that would mean she was on my level and then the whole country would go up in a flame of Chardonnay, and my cat Ellsworth would be on the American flag. Be above me, Hillary, PLEASE. I beg of you. You’re sooooo much smarter than everyone. Flaunt that shit.

She’s shady. Who the fuck isn’t?! Haven’t you ever blown off a friend and been all, “yeah, I’m sick, :::cough, cough:::” and done something else more fun sans friend? I’m TOTALLY guilty of that. Yeah, dude, that’s called being a shade ball. We’ve all had our moments. So don’t throw stones, ya dig

And politicians are notoriously shady. It’s like in the job description to have confidential convos in dark alleyways in DC. And quite frankly I think House of Cards is playing mind games with us. Even the perfect and lovely Obama family, who I adore. I can’t help but look at them side-eyed and be all, “Michelle and Barack, whatcho REALLY doin’ over there?” 


And her husband. Former President Bill Clinton. I’m going to stop you right there. He was a straight up dog. That is correct. But guess what? Come real close because I want you to hear this loud and clear. HE’S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. So would his gaggle of skanks from the 90’s please see themselves out?

GOD. :::shakes off rage::: 

Nothing makes me more enraged then a misogynistic, privileged, poor excuse for a man, and that doesn’t exclude Donald Trump. I have zero respect for anyone who supports or is willing to vote for a man who…

encourages his followers to scream things like, “kill that cunt!” and “revoke the 19th amendment!” at his rallies.

shames women and calls them liars for sharing that they were sexually assaulted, making it that much harder for them to tell their story and move on from their pain, no matter whom they were assaulted by. 

gropes women because he can. Wait, wait, no I’m sorry, I think the exact words were, “grabs them by the pussy.” I don’t even think that is possible. I’m pretty sure you cannot grab at a vagina like you can grab at a pair of balls, Mr. Trump. The anatomy just doesn’t work like that. I believe you were thinking of taas. Yeah. Taas. Kelly Ann Conway, please be sure to put on your to-do list, “explain to Mr. Trump the difference between a vagina and taas.”  Kay, thanks.

and comments on the shape, size, and style of a woman in the cruelest of ways. Because as much as he’s tried, no one is willing to help him create the “Ivanka Cookie Cutter Factory” where all women in ze world moving forward will look like his weirdly perfect daughter. 

:::Takes a big ol’ deep breath:::


So these are a few reasons why I’m for Hillary Clinton, and why I’m so politically charged right now, for those of you who think it is so out of character for me (which it is, I’m not going to “front” as the kids say). 

I wish I could say vote for whomever you want, I really wish I could. But at this stage in the game, if you’re voting for Donald Trump, I’m straight up judging you, and I don’t care who knows it. 

I’M WITH HER. Go Hillary, GO!