Own Your Shit

200_sIf you’re as worried as I am that it is the end of times, don’t worry, we can lay in the fetal position and hold each other whilst eating soft pretzels and chugging wine. 

I feel like every single morning my alarm goes off, I learn something new and awful that happened while I was sleeping. From horrifying terror attacks, to people just being stupidly mean to one another, to the more meaningless and ridiculous acts of Kim Kardashian posting footage of Taylor Swift approving “I made that bitch famous.” It’s always something. 

Everything just feels … off right now, right? All we can do is try to make this world a somewhat decent place to coexist. And I believe that starts with a little thing known as owning your shit. Yeah, I said it. I don’t care if you’ve sold 14 bazillion records, or are Sally Sunshine from Mississippi who eats rainbows and sparkles for dinner. Say it with me now … own your shit. 

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Oh you pretended like you were so offended by being called a “bitch” in a song, and then footage came out showing you originally approved it? Own it. A simple statement like, “yeah I’m an ass, I approved it. But to be honest, when it came out I changed my mind because you know what? It isn’t okay to be called a bitch. Sorry, guys,” would have stopped a lot of useless, dumbass drama. Here’s a little life secret I’ll share between me and you … ready? It’s totally okay to laugh at yourself. I do it daily. Shh don’t tell anyone. 

So you ate your co-workers sandwich and then denied it? Stop being a moron. “I ate your sandwich, coworker, because I was starving and thought it was mine even though I knew deep down it wasn’t. I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow to make it up to you.” Now people won’t stand around the water cooler talking about what a psychopath you are.

My favorite and yours, you plagiarized a speech from the first lady and then denied it. There is no getting around plagiarism kids, because you can’t deny words. Look, see below? Can’t deny that shit. But alas … the sky is green, not blue in the wonderful world of the Trumps. 

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Photo credit: CNN.com

Plagiarism scares the shit out of me. Since I was old enough to write a paper I was told if I stole material from another human, I would basically become the scum of the Earth with no future, and it would follow me around for the rest of my life (thanks, public school). 

Here’s what you do: Fire your entire team. Like every single person who touched the speech, looked at the speech, wrote the speech, breathed near the speech, was in the same room as the speech. Fuck it, fire the people who made the paper the speech was written on. Fire. Them. They are all idiots. 

THEN … apologize. Publicly. Especially to Michelle Obama, because you stole from her. Jewelry, words, souls, stealing is stealing. Suck it up, say you made a huge ridiculous mistake, and deal with the consequences. People will have more respect for you. 

I realize owning your shit seems easier than it looks. The embarrassment, remorse, and being put in the spotlight as the biggest ass to ever walk this Earth isn’t fun, I get it. But by saying you screwed up and apologizing, you can then shut the story down and start taking control of it. 

Look, I’m not perfect. I’m far from it, in fact. Like REALLY far from it. But when I mess up in my professional life, I own up to it. Because I’ve learned that all mistakes I’ve made have just forced me to become better at what I do. Instead of pointing fingers and throwing other innocent people under the bus, embrace that huge, ugly mistake, learn a lesson from it, and move on with your life. Same goes with my personal life. 

The world is a strange place right now, that’s an undeniable fact. So let’s stop acting like 5-year-olds, pulling one another’s hair and then screaming “SHE DID IT” on the playground. We’re adults, for the love of God. And not to sound like a rabid real housewife who is about to flip the God damn kitchen table but, OWN YOUR SHIT!

Republicans, democrats, Taylor Swift … I’m looking at all of you specifically.

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LSIASB Turns 5, Spouts Words Of Blogging Wisdom

Screen Shot 2016-07-14 at 8.38.51 AMToday is a lot like it was five years ago. I’m sitting in front of my computer not knowing what the hell to say to you. 

The difference is, today is the fifth anniversary of Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra and I’m in total awe and kind of speechless. And five years ago today, I was sitting on my twin bed, in my childhood home, pulling my hair out trying to compose the “perfect first post,” and not having the balls to hit “Publish.” 

Look, I could sit here and gush about how proud I am of what Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra has turned into (but seriously I’m stupidly beaming from ear-to-ear proud), and ugly crying into my cocktail about how beyond supportive and amazing and encouraging my friends, family, co-workers past and present, fellow bloggers, and weird Internet folk have been over the past five years (seriously … you guys make me feel like it’s okay to be me … get me drunk and I’ll go into more detail)

But instead I want to share with you some important lessons I’ve learned over the past five years of nurturing this blog. 

Before I do, I gotta say a sincere thank you. To anyone who has taken five minutes out of their day to read my words, or share a post, comment, or even feel the need to tell me I’m the worst human on the planet (it happened), I appreciate all of it, more than words can say.

Okay five pieces of wisdom … let’s do this. 

1. Never stop. I’ve wanted to stop. In fact recently. You’re going to lose your way. You’re going to think no one cares, and they may or may not. You’re even going to lose inspiration. But never stop. If you stop, someone else is just going to take your place. Don’t be that kind of dumbass.

2. Negative comments are awesome and hilarious. Someone once told me you’ll know you’ve left an impression when someone tells you to “fuck off.” Welp, that happened to me. Except it was more like, “go to the gym you lazy fuck,” on a post I wrote about hating my jiggly bits. It still makes me laugh. People are entitled to their opinions, and not everyone is going to like you. Learn it. Live it. Laugh at it. And move the fuck on.

3. Not everyone in your life is going to read your shit, and that’s okay. In fact I can almost guarantee no one in my family is reading this right now. And after five years, I’m kind of okay with it since my mom detests my cursing and I’m sick of hearing about it. Family members, if you’re reading this, text me and tell me you’ve read it. Kay thanks, bye. :::stares at phone:::

4. Embrace your voice. When I started out I wanted to be just like fashion bloggers I looked up to. I wrote super bubbly and talked about the look for less :::twirls hair:::, and the “hot trends” :::pops gum:::, and tried to vomit pink sunshine into my posts, but failed. Miserably. A good friend of mine stopped me and basically said my posts didn’t match my personality. And they didn’t. I was so busy trying to get people to like me, I morphed into a stepford blogger. Once I embraced my snarky, sarcastic, self deprecating sense of humor and weaved it into my blog, my brand kind of fell into place. And it helped me become comfortable in my own studded 4-inch heels.

5. You won’t become Man Repeller status over night. Or even over five years. Seriously sometimes I stay awake at night wondering, “hmm sooo… will I ever get a book deal?!” You rarely hear about the blood, sweat, sacrifice, and tears that goes into creating and maintaining a blog. I believe deep down in my dark soul that hard work pays off. As a blogger, you succeed because you love it. Because it’s in your blood and bones and gives you this ridiculous sense of joy to know people are reading your words. This has been my dream since I was a little girl. And to be super cliche and corny, dreams take a lot of nurturing and time to become realities. It’s just not my time yet. And one more cliche for the road … patience is a motha fuckin’ virtue … what WHAT! :::drops mic:::

FIRST POST :::sheds tear:::

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