Tomorrow Is Going To Suck… So Shoes

Screen Shot 2017-01-19 at 12.39.58 PMIf you’re anything like me, tomorrow you will be sticking your fingers in your ears screaming, “LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” as you avoid all TV and Internet coverage of the inauguration. Sigh … this is a sick dream, right?

Anywho … shoes. Over the past few months I think everyone has lost their minds a bit, and for the sake of shoes, I think it is an amazing thing. 

Want lightning bolts all over your booties? Done. Want to look like a sparkle bomb vommed all over your feet? Sold. All of it is kind of genius.

I recently purchased these pink flowery booties with a lucite heel (because … lucite heel … see above). The pattern looks like a print you would find on a couch rotting away in a vintage store, but I couldn’t resist. 

I was fully prepared for them to look heinous in person, but I was pleasantly surprised. And the best part is they give me this sick amount of joy (even though my feet are still a little numb from dancing in them this past weekend … that’s normal, right?)

So, if you’re feeling like the world is probably going to end starting tomorrow and women are on the verge of losing all of their rights and everything is just fucking awful, buy yourself a pair of shoes you normally would just look at and say, “I LOVE those, but where would I wear them?” Because those are the shoes that will make you smile the most, even in the worst of times. 

Need some inspiration? Welp, ma babies … Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is here.

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Why I Take Birth Control

il_fullxfull.908370173_k35u-1I started taking birth control because I was violently depressed and my OBGYN thought it would help balance out my hormones. I didn’t start taking it to whore it up or to get jiggy without the consequences. I did it for my mental health.

And you know what? It helped. I cried every day. Every single day. I would come home from work, sit on my steps, and ball my eyes out. I was like that sad little egg in the anti-depressant commercial.

And once I started taking the pill, I felt more balanced. My mood felt more stable. And it was all because my hormones were out of wack. I would probably still be in the fetal position without it.

And now, because some rich, power-hungry bastards want to stick it to Obama, my mental health and my reproductive rights are at stake. Over a dick-measuring contest of what party has more power, the first heads on the chopping block are the ones of innocent women. Because, you know, we all BEGGED for vaginas. Tell me, in what world does this make sense?

Raped and pregnant because of it? Gotta have that baby. Get pregnant accidentally (because humans make mistakes)? Gotta have that baby. Want to prevent pregnancy until you’re responsible enough to care for one (you know like have money, a home, a job)? Nope. Gotta have that baby. Oh, you had a baby? Good luck getting insurance. OH! and the cost of raising a child just rose 1,000%. So go fuck yourself.

By taking away important institutions like Planned Parenthood and making birth control more expensive, we are just making existing problems worse. STDs will increase. Accidental pregnancies will go up. Over population will be a real thing, which causes all sorts of other problems like pollution (which will go unnoticed since no one in the Trump administration believes global warming is a thing … awesome).

Hate to tell you this, but taking birth control doesn’t constitute you as a whore, which for a lot of conservatives I feel like it does. Especially since you are trying to take away no co-pay birth control from 55 million women. #HoFoSho

For some women it stops painful cysts from occurring. For others it wards off horrific cramps each month. For ladies like me, it keeps us balanced and sane. And then there are the people who are in a committed (or not committed) relationship who just don’t want to end up barefoot and preggo living in a van down by the river because they weren’t ready.

Republicans and conservatives, are we bothering you? Do we bother you when we get screened for breast cancer? Do we bother you when we take care of our reproductive health, checking for STDs and numerous types of common cancers like uterine, ovarian, and cervical, just to name a few? Do we bother you when we are just trying to be responsible and controlling when we want to reproduce, since $233,610, the average cost of raising a child, doesn’t fall from trees last time I checked? Do uteruses and ovaries dance in your heads at night?

For a while I felt like we as women had come so far. I mean we have, don’t get me wrong. But now there is this eerie feeling like we are embarking on an era of rocking a scarlet letter on our blouses every time we have sex. It’s all so frightening.

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I want … no, I demand, single-minded, rich assholes who have penises (ie creepy ol’ man river below) to get off my reproductive and mental health rights. Because until you’ve bled from your vagina, you don’t know. You’ll NEVER know, mother fucker.

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And pregnancy isn’t a pre-exisiting condition, ya jagweeds. Tell me if that would be the case if men could birth babies. Give me a fucking break.

Life has never sucked in a strapless bra more … am I right?

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